Thank you to the therapist who really saw ME.

I was recently hospitalized for suicidal ideation, for the fourth time in 2 years. I was really struggling with myself, with my identity, my values, my beliefs. I didn't like myself. I honestly thought the world would be better off without me, and especially that my family would be better of without me. I live with bipolar disorder type I, and I go through some extreme mood swings because of it.  I had also made the poor decision to quit my medications because I was so sick of the way I looked. I was doing phenomenally mood wise. but I hated the way I felt about myself physically.

I was rather bitter about this hospital stay because my individual counselor had sent the Sheriffs out to find me, (I sent her a suicide note by text), and she responded appropriately by doing a welfare check. I didn't want to be found though, I really wanted to be dead; at least I thought that was the case. So I spent my first couple days sulking about how miserably unfair my life was. The therapist in the hospital was amazingly kind those first few days. I thought he was great until we had a therapy session with my husband. That's when he seemed to turn on me and laid it all bare just what type of person I really was.

He told me in no uncertain terms that I had a problem with always having to be right, and that I was annoying, and he thought I'd be almost impossible to live with, and that he didn't know how my husband did it.

He also told me though, that I had something innately likeable about me, something that made all those other qualities seem to diminish, and make me a wonderful person. He also said that even with me being a incredibly difficult person, there was something that was just charming about me, that radiated from me, even when I annoyed the hell out of people.

Of course, all I heard from that in those first few days was that I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve to have anything good happen to her, but eventually it dawned on me that he had basically seen my soul, laid it bare, put words to it, and still found me a good person. And that changed my life.

Once I got through the processing of the hurtful things he said, I realized that he had said some wonderful things about me as well. And that was incredibly freeing.

The shocking thing about all of this is that I believed him. I honestly believed what he had told me because he was one of the most genuine people I'd ever met. I knew he wouldn't say something if he didn't think it to be the truth. And because of that, it sank in.

I changed because of that comment he made to me in our therapy session that day. I began to believe that I have value, that I have worth, and that I'm a good person. I know deep inside that although I can be an incredibly difficult person to handle at times, I'm still innately likeable. And that's enough for me. It doesn't matter if everyone doesn't like me, I still believe and hold onto the thought that I'm charming. Of all things, charming! I'm someone that deserves to be treated well and treated with respect because I am worthy of those things.

I don't know if this therapist will ever know how much of a profound effect he had on me, and how much he's changed my life, but I want to thank him. I want to thank him from the bottom of my heart for seeing ME, the real me, the me hiding behind my layers of sarcasm and mean words.He had the audacity to tell me straight like it really is, and I admire that kind of bravery. He has given me the backbone to be myself, in all things, at all times, and in all places. I don't have to people please anymore. I know that I'm enough, just as I am. And his words helped make that a reality for me. And I am so grateful. So grateful. Thank you dear therapist, for giving me the courage to be authentic myself.

What if I'm wrong?

That's the question my therapist challenged me with yesterday. What if all the assumptions and perceptions I have about myself are wrong? What if everything I see in a negative light is actually a positive and I've been to dense to see it? Just the thought of it fills me with this sick sense of dread and feelings of panic. It's almost as if some part of me deep, deep down knows she's right, which would mean everything I've dealt with and felt over the last 6 years has been a lie.

Just thinking about it that way makes me want to keel over and wail with grief at all the things I missed out on over the last few years. I'm not doing that, but part of me wants to. So how do I start challenging these thoughts I have about myself? Of course the first step is asking myself 'What if I'm wrong?", but then what? Will it eventually turn to, "I'm not thinking this through rationally, I'm probably seeing things the wrong way?". All I know is right now I'm terrified to over analyze my beliefs about the world. .

I feel so unprotected and weak at the moment, I don't want one more thing to come out and knock me down and back into a depression. And I don't know why, but I feel like this could be the hardest challenge I've ever attempted, and it has the power to be so. Why this? Why not talking about all the abuse I went through as a child? Maybe THAT will be worse, my therapist says I haven't really dealt with any of that at all.

All I know right now is that all this psychoanalysis of Tricia is wearing me down. I leave therapy feeling exhausted from trying to think, and frustrated because I feel like I'm not making any progress. I get nervous before therapy because I'm unsure about what emotions are going to be dredged up. I worry about being pushed too far and ending back up in the hospital, and then I worry that maybe that would be best because there at least I'd be able to work on these issues even harder and maybe get more accomplished. I feel guilty even admitting that because no normal person wants to be in the hospital, right? I guess that makes me certifiably crazy then.

I learned another question that was good to ask in situations is "Will this hold up in a court of law?" The problem with that is I have a nagging in the back of my head screaming "Reasonable doubt! Reasonable doubt!", so it's hard to use that one with my life and wondering if I'm seeing things as they actually are.

So, the question of the day today (and probably for many tomorrows) is, "What if I'm wrong?" How would you feel if presented with this question. Please, leave your response in the comments below.