Thankful Thursday

I watched the 2010 Alice in Wonderland with my kids last night, and it was great. I had 3 of them curled up in my lap and life was good. I love this movie, and I've got a strong desire to read the book now. I loved how inquisitive my kids were about everything in the show, and I love that they're still young enough to think that I have all the answers :)
For some reason this show has been on my mind a lot lately, maybe it has to do with how crazy I am, and how crazy it is, but I feel a strong kinship with this movie. I feel an even stronger connection to the quirky quotes in the book. I can handle madness, but I don't know if I can handle as much madness as in that book! That's why I haven't read it yet, lol.
So with all that rambling, can you guess the things I'm thankful for today? I'm thankful for happy, healthy children...and the love of reading!
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”
“Curiouser and curiouser!”
“The time has come
The walrus said
To talk of many things:
Of shoes- and ships-
And sealing wax-
Of cabbages and kings-
And why the sae is boiling hot-
And whether pigs have wings.”

Beware the Jabberwock...

Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand,Long time the manxome foe he sought --So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through!The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, hast thou slain the Jabberwock?Come to my arms, my beamish boy!O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy tovesDid gyre and gimble in the wabe.All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
-Lewis Carroll

Sometimes silliness gets stuck in your head and there's just no getting it out until you write about it. This is one of my favorite poems and it's been stuck in my head for days. Hopefully by getting it out in the open, I can stop being so obsessed with it. That's a metaphor for other issues in life, but I'm leaving it up to you, the reader, to guess what those metaphors are. :)

Motivational Monday

What motivates you? I had that question asked to me a couple times over the last few days, and it's really eaten at me. My kids should motivate me, but when I get super depressed, they're not motivation enough. I think I've learned that true motivation has to come from within. Josh has been working out a lot lately, and I've not been super supportive. It's probably a good thing his motivation is internal because I've really been slacking on the external. He is a great example of internal motivating keeping you going because if all you're relying on is a cheerleader, well, there are times when that cheerleader is going to let you down.

And I think that's been my problem for a long time now. I rely on external motivation to continue doing something when all I really need is the inner cheerleader in me to keep going at it. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong though, or being inappropriate, or sticking my foot in my mouth, or any other numerous ways I can look like an idiot that I can't be my own cheerleader. Now that I've discovered that was what was holding me back, I've become determined to overcome it. I can't really live if all I'm surrounded by is fear of making a move. So I've started moving. Slowly. Carefully, like a jungle cat hunting for it's prey. I test the environment outside of my comfort zone for a little bit and then I scurry right back inside it. But, I'm staying out there a little longer each time.

I've made the goal to become more sociable and to worry less about how people perceive me. I'm working on smiling more, and being attempting to strike up a conversation with someone on occasion. I've gotten in contact with friends I've been avoiding for months and made lunch dates with them. And you know what? I feel better about myself. I like the me who has friends to talk to. I like the me that leaves the house for lunch dates. I'm taking it oh so slow, but hey, at least I'm moving in the right direction, right?

Just because I love having an excuse for showing these faces off, here are some examples of people who motivate me. These are just some pics of me with my younger kids over the weekend. When I'm doing well, how can these adorable faces NOT be motivation enough to stay strong? They're definitely motivation now, but when things get tough, I've got to find the strength from within. As do we all.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

I went and saw this the other night. I'm so glad I did! It was an incredible film and a moving experience. If you haven't seen it, you really should go. The soundtrack was amazing, I've been listening to it since I got home from the movie, lol. Like I've said before, I love music, and it really made the film for me.

Here are some of the songs from the movie, you should check one or two out when you get a moment!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NucJk8TxyRg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYzWbGq7boE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ__Mym7RvA

 

Forever of no blogging!

I've been a seriously bad girl when it comes to taking care of my blog this past few months. It's been rough though, I've had some really hard days in there, and I didn't feel like blogging. Insane, right? I love blogging, but I hate blogging when I'm super depressed or down I discovered. I try to be a cheerful upbeat person, and when my blogs can't show that person, I've got nothing.

I'm only blogging today because guilt has been nagging at me over letting my blog get all old and gray. Plus, I've got some really good stuff going on right now that I want to share. I hate bullies. Did you know that? And I won't put up with them. I even put together a PowerPoint presentation and took it to my daughter's school to talk about bullying and how you could be one to stop it. The teachers loved it so much they recommended that I show it to the 5th and 4th grades as well, and even encouraged me to show other schools. It was exhilarating and terrifying both at the same time. Part of me didn't want to go through with it because I knew it would be an epic fail, the other part of me was stoked to finally be presenting the information to the kids. The excited part of me won out, and I showed up and presented what I had, obviously, lol.

And, in other news, I had an amazing spiritual experience today and I'm sharing with you guys. I'm not one to be easily touched by the Spirit (or whatever you call it, nor do I cry easily at things, but I saw a talk given today that had me in tears, it was so beautiful. I'm Mormon, and this was in what we call General Conference. It talks about mental illness and what we can do to help and support those living with it

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2013-10-2070-elder-jeffrey-r-holland?lang=eng

Racing thoughts and stubborn ideas at 3 AM are never fun...some of the time.

I can't sleep for some odd reason. I woke up with the hug desire to watch Sarah Palin and Tina Fey on SNL. Also, I'm hungry. I've been searching for both episodes where Tina Fey did Sarah Palin, but I can only find the first one, and even THAT was a pain, lol. Now that I've gotten to watch it, maybe I can fix myself a sammich and get back to sleep...It's nigh on 4 AM here!

Sometimes the best finds are from complete mistakes

Remember that song I posted yesterday? I was originally searching for this song here...

I spent hours trying to figure out the right song and listening to tens of different songs. I finally found the right one, but I discovered that one as well.

I remember this one time in the hospital, I was desperately searching for a poem, and I could only remember the slightest part of it, and I had it mixed up with another poem to boot. The nurses didn't have the time to help me find the poem, but Josh spent a good 2 hours on the phone with me searching for the poem in my head.

It was Robert Frost all along, and I had thought that at first, but it never sounded right...until I heard the end, which is my favorite part.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

But I have promises to keep

And miles to go before I sleep

And miles to go before I sleep

Sometimes I wonder if Josh is really my soul mate. He knows me better then I know me. He knows how to pull me out of my funks usually. He knows when I'm out of control, or about to go out of control...even when I don't say a word. Is that enough for a soul mate? I don't know...maybe it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjgCOfrMNPE

I got half a mind to scream out loud...I got half a mind to die...

I hadn't heard that song in YEARS until today when I put in one of my super old CDs on during our ride to Fort Bridger, WY.

So how have things been?

Not so great, but I'm hanging in there, Slightly anyway. Josh said if going to Bridger didn't help perk me up, he was committing my dumb ass. Woohoo for loving husbands!

But for right now, I am actually feeling better. Two nights ago when I took a couple to many pills wasn't such a great moment, but hey, it's over and done with. I'm bipolar, I'm going to make my mistakes here and there, and although it's taken me a few days to start feeling normal, no harm, no foul with that.

I've discovered that more people I ever imagined are reading my blog and finding something from it. Josh read this book, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and I'm reading it too now and it talks about how you have to have a sense of purpose for your suffering, right? And if you can understand why you suffer, then you find meaning in life. And he says that I've taken my suffering from being bipolar and turned it into this blog, which gives me meaning and purpose for living. It doesn't seem very glamorous or life changing, my purpose just is to blog about the ups and downs of bipolar disorder, but maybe he's right. Maybe here in my small corner of the world, I am making a difference by writing about living with this. I may never be a famous, world renowned writer, bu I know people are reading what I have to say, and gaining something from it. I can survive on that for now.

Here's that song for anyone who's interested, btw :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekgb5oJSobU

How can you advocate when you want to be dead?

I've felt so sick today  and I hate my life because I've had zero energy to care after the kids or to even tend them really. And all I've wanted was to lay down and spend the day sleeping. I want to die. I wish I had the means because right now I feel so completely useless in this world of mine that I'd rather no longer be in it. I'm not making positive changes in anyone's lives, I'm more like a waste of space. My advocacy dreams keep ending up being just that,...dreams, Dealing with 4 kids and a busy husband, my volunteer efforts come last. And it sucks. I have nothing for me and it hurts in a way. I just want this hurting to stop.

Research Studies and Inadvertently Meeting a Favorite Author!

So I'm very interested in clinical trials.

I'm a stay at home mum, and occasionally I qualify for one that can pay a little money and I can help contribute to society.

I was checking out the various trials that the NIMH puts out, and I noticed there was one being done for children who suffer from depression but have not been diagnosed as bipolar disorder yet...which is my daughter in a nutshell. I started reading about it, and I read that the person putting on on the study was David Miklowitz, He happens to be a favorite author of mine, he's written some amazing work for bipolar patients, including  "The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide". That is a book that changed my life. It is such a great read, and it has so much good information for a newly diagnosed beeper, or a long time beeper like myself. I learned so much while reading it, and was really able to implement a lot of it into my life.

Anywho, unfortunately since we live in Utah and the study was being done in California, we weren't eligible for it, but he was kind enough to offer me his new book he's written about dealing with bipolar children. I seriously felt honored to get the chance to talk to him and tell him how much his book had changed my life for the better.

So although yesterday wasn't a great day for finding a new research study to participate in, I did get the chance to talk to someone who has inspired my life, and that's always cooler than finding any old research study, any day.