Don't miss me too much, I'll be back soon!

I know, I know...I've not posted much the last week, but you'll have to forgive me, I was preparing for vacation. Now I'm on vacation, and pretty busy doing all the fun stuff that entails, but I'll be back after the 26th! I've not forgotten you! And I'll have new stuff to blog about, like vacationing with 4 kids and bipolar disorder...Check back next week for that post!

Why can't I cry?

Why can't I open up? It's like I have no emotion in me, but I know, deep down, that I do have it in there...somewhere. I know I'm not a sociopath, regardless of how many people want to believe that (there's just one that I know of), but I feel like I should feel more deeply than I do. I feel like my writing is so blah because I can't tap into that inner emotion that's just hovering below the surface. I know it's there, I just have to get it out. I can cry at dumb things, like when I'm on the phone with the IRS and they're being so unhelpful, the waterworks definitely turn on then, but when I'm in therapy and discussing majorly traumatizing life issues, there's no tears. No emotion. My therapist says I always have a very flat affect when she sees me, but how do I change that? How do I let down my guard with her? 

What is wrong with me? Why am I so hard to fix? I don't feel broken beyond repair, but I certainly feel broken. What is it going to take for me to finally open up in therapy and get to the bottom of my emotional stumbling blocks? 

Maybe I'll take in some of the worksheets from when I was inpatient, the ones that upset me the most, and we can work on those, and try to discover what my triggers are. I just feel that what I'm doing now isn't working...but my therapist says I set myself up to fail because I feel I should already be at point Z when my body and mind are still just barely dealing with point W. She says I am my own worst critic. I think I can agree with that.

Anyone out there have any sage words of advice for me? What can I do to find my emotions...while on meds? I can certainly find them when I'm off them, but I don't think anyone wants that...right now I don't even want that. I may hate suffering from this creative block, but it's better than being inpatient again. At least out here I can blog, lol. 

Sp any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated, I love the comments I get from you guys, it really helps make this an interactive experience for me, and I love it.

I'm going to be a real published blogger!

Guess what everyone? I signed up for a guest blogger website, and got a request from a website to write an article about bipolar disorder, which, (while not being a medical expert, feel I have some expertise in), I did!

I totally expected them to send me back an e-mail saying thanks for the effort, but this isn't what we're looking for, but they didn't!

Instead I got e-mail saying they really enjoyed the article and it will be published June 17th!

I can't believe it!

That's all the news I have for the moment, but I'm sure I'll have something new to talk about soonly!

Why copy and paste are important...

So I have been trying to spread my voice as far and as wide as possible, and actually was invited to write a guest blog for a few sites today! I was so excited, and I typed my first one up, it was about not despairing if you have bipolar disorder, there is hope, and so on and so forth.

It took me a good hour or so to type it, and tweak it until it met my standards, which is sad because my standards are usually pretty low. I mean, I can type my blogs on this site in usually 15-30 minutes or less. I actually started to write a post, got halfway through it, and deleted the whole thing because it was completely not in my voice and just sounded fake. I then started over with my usual writing style, and was fairly satisfied with my first ever attempt at a guest blog. 

I have a feeling that guest blogging is kind of like photography, when you first start out, you think your work is pretty decent, but then you actually get good at what you're doing, go back and look at your first few attempts and are mortified at how terrible it really was. At least that's how I am with photography. I look back at my work from 4 years ago and wonder what on earth I was thinking, at least compared to the work I do now.

I hope my blogging skills improve of course, but I hope I'm not so terrible now that in a years time I'll want to delete my first 20 posts because they're so awful...

So back to the importance of copying and pasting your work...I finally finished my first ever post, and hit the submit article button...and Chrome froze! And I hadn't saved my work! I almost always, always, always copy and paste before I change anything on the page, and the one time I don't, I lose everything!

I'm trying to see the silver lining here, maybe it's a sign that I needed to revise my work a third time to make it really, really good, or maybe it's not a sign at all, and I just need to remember the importance of copying and pasting next time.

So, not a very inspiring story here, nor one particularly about being bipolar, just a story about the events in my day. How's your day been? Have you ever had to be reminded of the importance of copying and pasting too?

Wrestling the demons within me

I woke up so depressed this morning and I can't even explain why. I was just drained and life had no meaning. It was even worse because things had sucked yesterday, but I was able to function, ya know? This morning I couldn't even get out of bed. It's days like this that make me hate myself even harder because I couldn't take care of me, let alone my kids. Elora dressed herself and I didn't even brush her hair before she went off. Liam went in what he slept in, but I did dress and change Olive, for one. Once she was out though, she kept whining so much that I finally put her in her playpen with a bottle so she whine there and I'd know she was safe...and I fell back asleep.

What kind of parent does this? And this is what it was like for months before I was hospitalized. I can't go through that again. I've been hypomanic for weeks now and I suddenly wake up hating life and wanting to crawl into a hole in the ground. I resented everything this morning, even my poor little girl because to tend her meant I had to get up and move. I hated on me more because I haven't felt those feelings of resentment since before I was hospitalized, and I thought they were gone for good.

Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve the children I have. They are so good and wonderful, and I'm such a terrible mother to them. Why do they have to suffer because Mom can't do even their most basic needs? It's not fair to them, and it only makes me feel worse. I didn't even want to take my meds today, and I certainly didn't want to take them as prescribed. Thank God we have the safe where Josh is the only one with the code, because today is one of those days where my old coping skills are begging to be used.

It's just not fair that I have to deal with this. It's even less fair that my kids have to deal with it. I mean, I was struggling yesterday, but not so much that I couldn't take them swimming, and take Liam to swim lessons, and go to the park, and then go to Zumba. I was able to do all that, and then suddenly the next day I hate my life so much that I just want it to end? What is wrong with me? Why am I going crazy? Why do I have to cycle so damn hard? Why can't it be a nice gradual slope or something? Why is it more like a cliff? Does anyone have any answers?

I've forced myself to get online and socialize in my support groups today, and it's helped, but I don't feel it's enough. I have therapy today, and I'm dreading it. I feel so terrible and so miserable that I think this is going to be a not fun session. I wonder if a lot of this has been triggered by the most recent homework assignment I was given because since I've been working so hard on it, my mood has taken a sudden and severe turn for the worse. Why is that? What is it about getting this assignment over and done with that is wreaking havoc on my life? My therapist swears that writing will help me, but it always seems to push me down lower. I bounce back up eventually, but right now, I'm scared I won't bounce back up. 

That's the scariest part of these mood swings...when I hit the depression side, I panic. I feel trapped and scared that it'll never go away again, and I'll end up killing myself to stop the pain. I can't hack feeling so terribly all the time. You have no idea what it's like to hate being in your skin, when just existing every moment is agony, and you'd do anything to escape that. That's the hell I was in back in February  and that's a hell I never want to be in again, yet it seems to be coming again...out of nowhere. How do I help me survive this one?

Mood swings suck...

A lot.

I wish I could just stay 'up' all the time but it never happens. Something always brings me down. Right now I'm down because one of the girls I was in college with has finally graduated, while I'm still sitting here with just my A.A. and that's about as useful as a GED where I live. I'm so depressed that I didn't finish school like I could have, and it's really eating at me. And then other things bother me too, like when I don't feel accepted by people, even dumb random people that don't matter in the slightest. I got an IM today from a group owner in a group this morning, and it hurt my feelings for no reason at all. All because I heard the term 'beepers' as a word for people with bipolar and I liked it, so I started using it in the group and the GO didn't approve. Dumb reason to feel rejected right? I mean, I'm telling myself that *logically* it shouldn't matter, but *emotionally* it does matter.

And that right there is probably my biggest issue. I discount my emotions because I can see the logical side of things and assume the logic outweighs the emotions. I'm hopefully starting to recognize that this isn't true, but I don't like feeling emotional pain, so it's so much easier to shove it down or push it away and just recognize the logical things in life.

Maybe you've noticed from my former posts, that hasn't gotten me far in life. Just a few psych ward stays and a whole lot of emotional damage that needs to be undone. And it's not getting undone quick enough. My therapist says it takes time, and I have to be willing to open up and be vulnerable, but well...I don't like being vulnerable. I'm too scared it makes me look weak, and I need to realize that vulnerable and weak are not the same thing.

I just don't enjoy the wild ride my emotions take me on...I mean don't get me wrong, I love the highs, but I hate how it can change at a moment's notice. It's not fair. It's not fair to me, or the people around me, or anything. Who wants to live with a ticking time bomb all the time? I mean, my poor kids..."Oh look Mommy's in a good mood!" But I wonder if they're secretly wondering how long that'll last and what kind of mommy they'll have in an hours time. And I wonder the same thing. This fear is what holds me back from making future plans, because I don't know how I'll be feeling then, and it holds me back from going out and trying to accomplish something big. Take this blog for example...yes I'm thrilled that it's had 1100 hits...but that really means nothing. I've had all of 5 people comment on it, so it makes me wonder what those other 1090 people were doing (some of those hits come from me visiting my blog, so I don't count them). Do they actually look through what I write, do they just see the title and run away, or what? I don't know what it means when someone visits my page, I can't tell if they're getting any value out of it or not. 

And then I start doubting myself. I really want to write a book about being bipolar, but I'm stuck on how to write it. I want it to be a story, starting from my first psych ward stay, but I can't even bring myself to share the first chapter on here. I run through numerous titles, think I have one, and then lose it. And I'm so scared of even trying. I mean, what if I fail miserably? I think I'm just stuck, lol. 

I'm really on a roll with my pity party today, sorry for the long vent. I feel better for getting it all out though, and that's helpful isn't it?

So what are your triggers? What can send you into a downward spiral quicker than you can say 'Jack Robinson'? And if you know, what helps pull you out of it?

May the fourth be with you :) Some funnies for a change.

Mental Health Awareness Month

As you know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I just felt I had to do something to make sure I was really spreading the word. A group I'm in on facebook shared this picture :

and I fell in love with it. I adore owls, so this was something I just had to have. Then today, another group I'm in shared this photo:

and of course I had to have it too!

So what was I going to do to show my bipolar pride and speak out against stigma? 

Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so let me show you!

I created my own Awareness shirt, all with a white tee and some transfer paper! Oh, and the use of my printer, computer, and my mum's iron, lol. I LOVE how it turned out! What do you think?