Broken, again

I've got writer's block.

And I'm on a precipice.

I'm always on a precipice; it feels like.I'm constantly walking this edge between stability and falling into oblivion. I'm getting so sick of this constant battle between staying sane and letting go. You've no clue just how much I want to let go, and let the chips fall where they will sometimes.Every time I get into an argument and I feel myself getting closer to snapping, I wonder, 'Is this it? Is this going to be the final straw?'


Although I really took what Finnick Odair said to heart, 'It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.' God knows I've fallen apart and put myself back together enough times to know picking up the pieces frickin blows, but this staying strong when it feels like agony is for the birds. Endure til the end. That's what I'm taught. But this just feels like it's never going to effing end.

I'm trying so hard to feel things, and I get awful close to an emotion, and I almost feel it, but then I recoil, super fast. It's torture.

So my blog is struggling, once again. I want to write, every day. But because I'm having so many issues with my emotions, and being vulnerable, the words can't come out of my brain onto the keyboard.

In exciting news though, one of my articles is going to be published! I dared greatly, and The Mighty picked it up to feature! I can't wait! Well, I can wait, I'm terrified, but I'm so excited at the same time! And I'm continuing to step out and be seen, although Scary Mommy rejected my other article, I submitted it to HuffPo this morning, and I'm nervously waiting to see what happens there.

I think I'm going to start my book. I've got a few chapters outlined. And I've got my journals from my teens out in my garage. I kind of want to go through them. I'm not sure if I'm in a good spot emotionally yet to handle that or not, I'm going to talk to my therapist about that, but I know I'm getting closer to being ready. That's always good right? I want to get my charts from my hospital stays from the last decade, and go through them, and start writing. This is the closest I've ever been to being really serious about getting it done. It feels scary, but doable now. And that's huge for me! Wow.

Hopefully this writer's block lifts soon and I get my ideas back. I've got so many ideas I want to touch on, but the words just won't come. I'll get there though, I'll get there. 

Writer's block

I think I have it.

I just don't know what to write about. I have so many topics in my head, but I can't think of one that I know enough about to make a decent blog out of it. I want to write about what it's like vacationing when you have a mental illness, but I don't see there being much interest in that, and it'd just be based off my experiences I had on my last trip. Or I could write about what I would do if a cure for bipolar disorder was discovered. Would I take it or not? I feel like I'm living in the movie X-Men talking about that. Like I'm some kind of mutant or something. Or I could write about the misconceptions of mental illness in the media and how a person who is mentally ill is more likely to be the victim of a crime versus the perpetrator. Or what about the link between bullying and suicide?

See all the crazy thoughts that run through my head? My therapist recommended I write about apathy and what it does to you, or maybe about how feeling emotions is a long an painful process to go through. I liked those ideas, so I think I'll take her advice and blog about those topics. One for you guys, and hopefully one to be published! Fingers crossed that happens again!

I fear my posts are doomed to be boring...

I just don''t know what to write about personally in my life right now...I mean I'm doing well on my medications, I'm getting along with my husband, the kids are all doing good...that's not the stuff fascinating posts are made of.

So what do I do? I find articles about bipolar disorder and offer those up. I know eventually I'll cycle, I mean it's bound to happen, and then I'll have stories to share, but right now I feel stifled. There's so much in me that wants to come out, but I don't know how to get it out.

I guess it just takes time to get to the point where you know what to say, and how to say it well. I just need to find that spot...hopefully it'll be soon. :)

Thanks for everyone who sticks with me and keeps coming back to see what else I've added. Feel free to subscribe so you get regular update if you like my blog. And I love comments, so if you have something to share, I'd love to hear it! Who knows, maybe your comment could spark something in me to write about! So please, be an active participant here, that's what I ultimately want to see happen.