The Day Before Tomorrow...

Tomorrow kicks off the Ultimate Blog Challenge, and I'm participating! I'm super nervous about trying to come up with a blog every single day, but I'm going to do my best to provide you guys with awesome bipolar related blog posts every day for the month of July. Here's to me kicking some butt and helping do my part to erase the stigma of mental illness!

I feel so confident at this exact momemt, I mean, I've already got 5 blog topics titled and ready to be written, and I've read some of the 'cheat sheets' for how to blog on a tight schedule, so I'm hoping I can make this work!

Fingers crossed for me, and for everyone else who is participating in the UBC this month!

Who am I? Why did I ever give me up?

Why don't I know who I am anymore? Why can't I relate to people like I once could? Is it because I'm married? Is it because I'm old? What is it? Why do I have the hardest time making friends? I didn't used to be like this. I used to be the life of the party. I used to have opinions I used to feel like I matter. I know WHAT I am...I'm a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a blogger, a photographer, a mad genius, a reader, a thinker, a plotter, a mastermind of ideas...but WHO am I? When I was in the hospital we were given the assignment to discover who we are. We were told to start by defining our core values and morals, likes and dislikes, etc., etc., etc. I did that. But I still feel the same. The me I am now is not the me I was 7 years ago, and I miss parts of that me. The parts that had the confidence to get whatever she wanted, the intelligence to put plans together, the social butterfly effect, all of that. I could do away with...have done away with the unmedicated me, the me who partied until 6 AM, slept a few hours, went to school, work, and then partied all night again. But that's when I felt the happiest.

And now, I don't. I don't think I can make a difference, I don't feel like my small contribution to society does anything, I'll never do anything bigger than being a housewife and raising my kids. Those are important things, in the long run, but I'll never be remembered for much. And doesn't everyone? Doesn't everyone somewhere deep down in them want to write the next Great American Novel, or be the next Beethoven, or the next Picasso, Van Gogh, or Michelangelo?

Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. I wasn't tied down back then by so many stresses and responsibilities, and I loved living that way. Maybe I didn't get it all out of my system before settling down and having more kids and a husband and all that jazz. I say that only halfheartedly though, I look at my oldest standing here talking to me and realize I wouldn't trade my children for all the adventures in the world. I love my husband and the life we have together. Things are hard at times, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

But is it wrong to want greatness? I used to think I had greatness in me. That there was nothing I couldn't achieve, if only I put my mind to it. And I achieved miraculous things. I overcame insurmountable odds that even Ludo Bagman wouldn't have bet on (who get's that reference?) Now, that's gone. I have no faith in my abilities, no thoughts that I can achieve great things, no hope that my plans will work out. And so I doom myself to failure. Back when I thought I could achieve anything, I did, even when it didn't seem like it at the time, and now when I feel like I can achieve nothing, I do it in spades. So maybe I can do whatever I set my mind to, whether it be greatness or defeat. Now the tricky part is this...how do I convince my mind to think great thoughts again? How can I appreciate the madness in me, the genius that is truly there? How can I reach my amazingly creative heights again?

Where did I give up at?

Deep down in me I'd love to write the next book to be featured by Oprah or something, but that might never happen. So I'd settle for the ability to socialize and have a good circle of friends. Hell, I'd settle for the ability to be able to keep my house clean on a consistent basis. To write a book, you have to know how to start it...and I can't figure out the start of my story for the life of me.

A million fragmented thoughts, they all come at me at once. I hear this thought, think it's good, then lose it. I hear another, mean to copy it down, but it escapes me. I should be working on my therapy assignment, but instead I'm blogging. Maybe in a way I am working on my assignment though. Maybe, in a way, I'm working on my book as well. I write knowing I intend to use this in my book one day, but I also write as an outlet for my thoughts.

So back to my question...where did I give up? I sometimes think it was way back when I first met my husband. I remember one of the very first times I met him, he had me so intimidated, that I let him be in control of a situation that I should have controlled. I wonder if that subconsciously set the tone for the rest of our relationship. I think I sometimes blame my husband for beating it out of me. I was so confident in my abilities until I met him. He was so confident as well that he overshadowed me. And I let him overshadow me so long that I began to forget who I really was. He would be cruel and say hurtful things, and I allowed it to happen, I never stood up for myself, and that's the person I became. It got even harder when he became the breadwinner and we decided I would stay home. I felt even more diminished as a contributing member of society because I was no longer in the workforce. This is harsh stuff to admit, but it's true. I can see that now.

So now that I can see where I gave up and let the me I loved slip away, how do I get her back? It's not by divorcing my hubby, for any of you reading and thinking that, no that's not where I'm headed. Yes I made mistakes when we were first together, and so did he, but here we are 6 years later and I love the man he is now. You're right, I should never have lost me in the first place, but it's no good pointing fingers and blaming now, it's time to pick up the pieces and glue me back together. Or maybe there is no gluing me back together. I've never imagined myself as a Humpty Dumpty, I've always seen myself more as the Cheshire Cat, able to disappear and reappear at will, and the one to ask the important questions, the ones that seem to be nonsense but aren't. I also see myself as fragments, a tortured soul who is only wisps of pale purple smoke. When I'm at my worst, that's all I am. At my best, I'm the Chessy Cat, mischievous grin and all.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like progress has been made. I've discovered something about me tonight, and it makes me feel really good. Now to start becoming the me I love again. I'll  keep you posted on how it goes!

As always, the best parts of blogs are reader comments, so tell me your thoughts below. What have you done in the past that you'd like to change, if anything? How do you stay true to yourself?

It's that day again! Thankful Thursday!

It's one of my favorite days again! Thankful Thursday! I've had a really rough week, and my trials seem particularly numerous at the moment, but today I am grateful for so many things. I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who hears my prayers and answers them, for moments that build my testimony of Him, and for lessons that I've learned through Him.

I'm also incredibly grateful fr my family; my husband who suffers so many things silently so he can provide for us, for my mother who does all she can to stay close to us and still try to look after us, lol. For in-laws that help out whenever needed and adore my children. I'm so grateful for my children who are the tools God uses to teach me lessons more often than not, lol...but especially because they are my most precious jewels that money could never buy.

I'm grateful for you readers who stick with me and muddle through my blog posts with me, and especially for those of you who are kind enough to leave a comment on your thoughts and opinions as well. I love you all, and I'm so blessed to have you here in my life.

Apathy Versus Acceptance

How do you know when the reason you're letting something roll of your back is good or bad? If it's because you've accepted it, or simply because you've become despondent and apathetic over it? This is what my therapist wanted me to think about this week, because I've just been letting life slide past me, not really caring one way or the other what was happening. She asked me pointed questions to see if I was just coming to terms with our situation and ad accepted it, or if I was so overwhelmed by all the events that I've become pathetic. Given the sheer weight of everything on my shoulder's, we determined I was simply shutting down and it was apathy dictating my behavior, not acceptance. I want to be clear here, acceptance is not approval, it simply acknowledging what's going on and doing what you can to improve the situation. Apathy is your brain shutting down to protect itself from more stress...not literally shutting down of course, but hopefully you get what I mean.

I've mentioned our issues with the IRS a few times over the course of this blog, and I'll probably mention them a few more times as this blog goes on. They're complete douche-bags...well, the entity as a whole, I've talked to some really kind and wonderful people over the course of dealing with our tax issues. Now, if you want a sincere douche-bag, that would be the state tax commission. Those bastards REFUSE to work with us, and instead continue to get some sick pleasure out of garnishing our wages...stopping for a few months, and then saying "JUST KIDDING!", we really want another couple thousand. In addition to the $3000 they've already taken. And that has nothing to do with the $50,000 the IRS thinks they're going to get from us. We don't even have $5,000 in assets, paying off an incorrect debt of 50k will never happen.

I've talked about this a lot in therapy because it is a HUGE stressor that literally makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. I've talked to tax lawyers, and they all want at least 5000 as a retainer before they'll even take the case on. At the advice of my therapist, I contacted a few CPA's, and they want 750 to just get the years not filed done. Once those years are filed then I can take over and hopefully get the OIC that I originally sent in reconsidered. I had no hope at all until I discovered CPA's and that they could help too. It resparked my hope that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel because while $750 is a lot of money, it's much less than $5000.

All this stress with the IRS has led me to be very apathetic in other aspects of my life as well, I've lost interest in my marriage at times, I've felt hopeless about the future, felt like things would never improve, and it's even led me to contemplating suicide at times...what right does the government have to have so much control over my life like that. I think they have more control over my emotions than I do somedays. It's not right. I shouldn't have to feel so despondent over this that I can't function on a day to day basis because I've just given up on life. What right do they have to harass people to death?

Oh the trials we mortals have to suffer through. I'm sure some of you are reading this and thinking "I wish that was all the problems I had', but it's worse than that. When our wages are garnished it pulls us down to the poverty rate of a family of three, and there's 6 of us. We don't live a lavish lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination, and we can't even pay our bills when this happens. We've been together 6 years, and because of this whole thing, we've never been on a family vacation, we don't have our kids enrolled in any extracurricular activities, and even going out to dinner as a family is a luxury we can seldom afford. My husband and I try to go out to the movies at least twice a month, because we value date nights and realize how important they are to a marriage, but that's the extent of our entertainment for the month usually.

Take right now for instance, we have $40 in our bank account, and 4 days until payday, and both our cars are on empty, and there are bills that still need to be paid. Part of this shortage of disposable income is my fault...I have so many medical bills that we're trying to pay off, and it's really eating into our income as well. We'll be paying off medical bills for at least another year, unless by the grace of God we find another job that pays more and we can pay them off sooner. And speaking of jobs, to make matters even wose, my husband was informed last week that his job will be relocating to Oregon as of June of next year, so he is frantically job searching for work here in our area. It's so hard to stay encouraging during this trial because he gets so down over every place that declines to interview him, and it breaks my heart. I don't know how to comfort him and really show him the confidence I have in him.

I hate living like this. I pray that things will improve, and I have hope for the future right now, but it's a long, cold, depressing path I'm on when I get overwhelmed by all this. Sorry for the downer blog, but I had to vent somewhere about what was going round in my head, and since this is my blog, what better place to do it then here?

So, apathy or acceptance? Where do you think I'm at with all the stress going on in my crazy life? And what's going on in your life? Cheer me up with the good news in your life right now.

Writer's block

I think I have it.

I just don't know what to write about. I have so many topics in my head, but I can't think of one that I know enough about to make a decent blog out of it. I want to write about what it's like vacationing when you have a mental illness, but I don't see there being much interest in that, and it'd just be based off my experiences I had on my last trip. Or I could write about what I would do if a cure for bipolar disorder was discovered. Would I take it or not? I feel like I'm living in the movie X-Men talking about that. Like I'm some kind of mutant or something. Or I could write about the misconceptions of mental illness in the media and how a person who is mentally ill is more likely to be the victim of a crime versus the perpetrator. Or what about the link between bullying and suicide?

See all the crazy thoughts that run through my head? My therapist recommended I write about apathy and what it does to you, or maybe about how feeling emotions is a long an painful process to go through. I liked those ideas, so I think I'll take her advice and blog about those topics. One for you guys, and hopefully one to be published! Fingers crossed that happens again!

I'm official!

My article was published yesterday! I've been officially initiated into the blogging world! Yay me! Please, feel free to check it out and either comment over there (please, please, please!), or tell me what you think below!

http://www.dreampositive.info/just-what-is-bipolar-disorder-exactly/

Profound moments in my life...one of them anyway,

Who's having a Terrific Tuesday?

So far I am!

The mail hasn't run yet, so it could change after that happens. Yesterday was a total Manic Monday, complete with me waking up at 6, cleaning my kitchen, and working on other neglected parts of my house, then going to the local water park, then running my oldest to her extracurricular events, and then me going shopping, finally. Whew! It was a super busy day. I'm continuing on with that business today by finishing up what needs to be done in my living room, starting on laundry, and taking my oldest to baseball and then going to class. I didn't get up at 6 this morning though, I slept in til 8:30.

I wish I didn't have to dread mail time so much, it seems like all we get is bad news :( We got a huge blow on Thursday, not by mail, but by text message. My husband found out that his company is shutting down his job, and he will be unemployed as of June 14, 2014. It was a terrible thing to happen, especially since we found out at the hospital while waiting for our little one to go in for surgery. It totally added extra stress on to an already stressful day :(

I'm really nervous about what the future holds right now, I mean I have faith that my husband will find suitable employment within the year, but it's still scary because that's not a guarantee.

Anywho, back to my terrific Tuesday..I'm not going to let my fears of the future ruin my good mood at the moment. I want to share with you some events from the weekend. I came to a profound conclusion this weekend. Here's a little background to put it in context. I'm a slob. I hate cleaning, I hate cooking, I hate doing dishes, doing laundry, you name it, if it comes to housekeeping, I despise it. So what that means is I avoid doing it, and procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. Thus, my house quickly turns into a disaster zone that really should be condemned as unsuitable for living. It doesn't help that I have 4 kids that think it's totally okay to pull toys out, but not put them back. Plus it's super tedious, repetitive, and unrewarding to do the same things day in and day out with hardly any recognition.

But then I had my 'Eureka!' moment. I realized that for the last year, I've woken up every morning under the assumption that since I didn't have to go anywhere that day, I had nothing to do. I suddenly realized that nothing was farther from the truth! I had plenty to do, I just wasn't seeing it! I decided then and there that I would approach every day as accepting I have work to do, and planning out how I will accomplish my work for the day, how many hours I will work, and what will get done on each day. I've also decided that instead of doing laundry all in one big conglomerated mess, I would do one person's laundry everyday, and rest on Sunday. So my tentative plan is to clean the kitchen on Mondays, clean the living room on Tuesdays, clean the family room on Wednesdays, and work on the kids' room on Thursdays. My oldest does her own laundry, and she chose Mondays to do hers, so I'll do my next child's on Tuesday, then my son's, then the baby's, then mine, and finishing with my husband's stuff on Saturday.

Simple enough right? With any luck, this change of attitude will help me become a better housekeeper and finally have a house that I'm not embarrassed for people to come over to. The only thing that worries me is I know there will be setbacks, simply because I won't always feel this good. Is it wrong that I am insanely jealous of people who don't have to go to bed scared of what the next day holds in store for them? They don't go to sleep worried their good mood and energy won't be there the next day when they wake up. Meh.

My terrific Tuesday seems to have come to an end. (I had to pause my blogging and deal with real life for a bit.) I had to do a lot of running around outside in 100 degree weather, and that always puts me in a bad mood. Plus, I had all intentions of cooking an awesome dinner for everyone, but now it's too late because the oldest has baseball in an hour,

But wait...duh, duh, duuuuuuh! My good mood is back! My husband got some excellent news on the job fron today! He has a phone interview with a company tonight, a recruiter he's been working with has e-mailed him about potential jobs, and the company he last interviewed with said they'd try to get him to the top of the interviewing list for the 3 other positions open there! Being bipolar sucks, I love it so much!

Now if only all the other dominoes in our life that are out of whack would fall into place...like our student loan problems, and especially the tax thing. The state tax commission sent us a letter letting us know that they want *more* money from our wages, they just didn't bleed us dry enough the last time. I'm so sick of this crap, I just wish the entire IRS would become infected with a killer virus that destroyed every last bit of data they have and then maybe we could get some respite. I'm sure there are other people out there who would appreciate this as well. It'd be nice if my husband got a much better paying job so we could afford a tax lawyer, then maybe things would improve dramatically., who knows? It doesn't seem likely that will happen, but that's where faith comes in. I'll continue to pray that Josh finds another job that actually pays enough for us to live on and actually save a little, just as I'll continue to pray that the IRS implodes like Wall Street and the housing market did 5 years ago. I wonder which prayer God will answer first :)

As always, I think comments are the best part of any blog, so please add your opinions down below!

I think I'm obsessed with this t-shirt making thing

I just created two more menatl health awareness shirts! Check them out here http://teespring.com/semicolon and here http://teespring.com/mentalhealth. I'm able to sell one of them for cheaper, so we'll see how demand goes this go around. Wish me luck, I'd love for this to become a successful venture for me!

And of course, I"m still selling my bipolar awareness shirt, so if you're interested in that, there's still time to purchase one! http://teespring.com/bipolarawareness.

I'm excited to have found something I enjoy doing, and that people seem to like and encourage, even if no one is purchasing (yet), lol.

Well, just wanted to share my exciting news with y'all!

It's 3 AM and I'm not sleeping...

I must be crazy! I can't sleep and I've taken a Lunesta and two Ambien. What the frickity frack is wrong with me? I know what's wrong, and it's not a good thing, I think. It''s never a good thing when I'm up past 1 and still feeling constructive...that's a sign I'm headed into mania-ville, and I get into major trouble in that place. All night long, (and I've been laying in bed tossing and turning for hours) I've been thinking about the 'clean slate' from Dark Knight Rises..for those of you who are uninitiated to the amazingness that is Batman, the clean slate is a program that allows you to type in a person's name, DOB, and SSN, and they just disappear...Poof! Never existed.

And boy do I want one. You see, we've got IRS issues. You think the IRS is targeting the tea party and republican sympathizers...well they've got nothing on how hard the IRS and state tax commission is on us. It makes all that drama look like cake and ice cream parties in the park. So I lay here and daydream that one day we'll meet someone who happens to be slightly corrupt and worked for the IRS and is able to go in and fix our tax issues. I have this dream often, but it usually doesn't keep me awake with racing thoughts for hours on end. Especially not after taking the meds I've taken to sleep.

I wonder how I'll feel in the morning, both the girls have pictures and games...at two different locations...I'm excited, not. If I feel fantastic, that's not such a good sign, if I'm dragging and want to die, that'll suck, but at least I can feel more reassured I'm not going manic. I know Sunday and Monday are probably going to suck...I had an EKG done and my doctor is concerned because my heart rate is elevated, so he's got me off my Adderall for the next 5 days to see what happens. I know I can expect some wicked withdrawals. I go through them when I miss my Concerta doses, and I can't imagine Adderall being any different. He also what a complete metabolic panel done-fasting, which hasn't happened yet...I just don't make it 10 hours without something to drink or eat, lol. So that will get done when it get's done.

So, what possessed me to get up and write at 3 AM instead of just lying there trying to pretend to sleep some more? Well for one thing, it's hotter than hell in my bedroom right now, and for another....none of you have really seen my manic side, well, hypomanic side, and I thought I would share.

I love feeling this way, except it always only seems to come at night, and never on my terms. Like I mean really, I don't like daydreaming about a quick fix to our money woes because I know there's not one out there, and it's just a huge let down the next day when reality hits again. Plus, I feel utterly exhausted and would kill to sleep, but sleep is elusive as the Loch Ness monster right now.

I know journaling is always something good to try when you're full of broken thoughts you can't repair, and that's kind of what I'm trying to do here. Maybe if I get it out of my system by writing about it, it'll stay out and not bother me anymore.

So we'll see how this social experiment goes. I've typed about 15 minutes worth of stuff, I'm going to try laying down and see if I can finally get some slumber...I wish it was peaceful, or restful, but alas, I am not so lucky as to get slumber like that.

Hopefully I can get some rest, otherwise I'll just be back on blogging about God knows what next...maybe my Oregon trip, or how being bipolar can really suck sometimes, it'd be something entertaining I'm sure. But hopefully I won't be back on because I'll be sleeping.

What do you do on nights like this? How do you get out those broken thoughts so they're not racing around your had anymore?The best part about blog posts are the comments, so please, leave your tips and advice (or commiseration) below!

I'm selling t-shirts!

Remember my bipolar awareness shirt I made for May? Well, I hooked up with a company to sell them, and I'd love for anyone interested to purchase one! The link to buy one is http://teespring.com/bipolarawareness. Please check it out and help stop the stigma associated with bipolar disorder! 

I lost all my comments!

Super sad face! I've been wanting to update my blog's look for awhile, and I finally had the time to google ways to do it this afternoon and attempted a new look. But when I saved it...all my comments from everyone was gone! I'm super heartbroken :(

So feel free to tell me what you think below, and just know that I didn't delete anyone's comments, blogger did it of it's own accord :(

Staying thankful though, at least I didn't lose my posts, right?

Thankful Thursday Blog!

I've seen a lot of blogs that do this, and I've wanted to do it for awhile, and today I decided there's no time like the present to start it!

So today I'm thankful for gentle reminders to watch my thoughts because I am what I tell myself I am, right?.

I'm also thankful for reminders that just because I can't do one thing well, it doesn't mean I can't do other things fantastically well.

So what are you thankful for today?

I don't mean to neglect you but...

My life is so crazy right now! Take my day for example...it has been so incredibly busy! I had  to go shopping, get gas, find a pharmacy that carried the right brand of meds for me (because my inusrance would only pay for generic Adderall carried by Activus, so 6 pharmacies later, I finally found one in Orem), take my oldest to karate and baseball,  and yet completely forgot about t-ball practice for my 5 year old :( Hopefully she's not too affected in her game on Saturday.

AND I met with my doctor and we did have some major med changes, and the change in cost is terrible! Hopefully it's for the greater good though, right? I'm now off Concerta and on Adderall, my Trileptal was bumped from 600 mg to 1200 mg, and I switched from Ambien to Lunesta (by far the costliest switch, which I'll change again next month because I can't afford to keep that one going) and we added Xanax back as a PRN. So some definite changes, but hopefully I'll be doing a lot better soon!

I also am hopeful the stress of being so busy will slow down soon too! I need my downtime becase as you can see. my blog is seriously suffering because of how busy my life is!

So just know you're not forgotten, summer is just turning into pure madness! I still love all you loyal readers and appreciate your patronage on my page!

I'm still planning on telling you all about my vacay, and how my med switch is going, among other fun things as soon as I have a spare 5 minutes!

Hugs to you all,

Me!