What is Mania Like?

I think many people relate to depression. Lots of people have been sad before. Many people have fallen into the dark pit of despair and managed to climb out of it. But I don't think people really have a grasp of what mania is like.

Mania is incredible. Mania is destructive. Mania is the highest high of your life, yet it's also a cliff and you just jumped off into the abyss.

People think mania is just happiness, giddiness, and euphoria. While those emotion can happen at the beginning, it doesn't stay that way.

Mania also includes psychosis, grandiosity, and delusions.

The less commonly noticed symptoms include less need for sleep, rapid speech, inflated self esteem, poor concentration, racing thoughts, risky behaviors, and excessive energy.

I've suffered from mania, and I've done incredible things while manic. I have created amazing things, yet while in the throes of mania, I've destroyed relationships.

You become another person while manic. You're high, you feel like you can control the world, you're going to accomplish great things. You become delusional, and can't see reason anymore.

You might feel like creating an online business and spend your life savings buying things for it. Or you might decide you need a brand new wardrobe for the new you. You might decide your partner isn't enough sexually, and go on the prowl for a new one. Or you might just become promiscuous when you're usually not.

The worst thing about mania, is the hypo-manic phase, when you truly are amazing. When you can still listen to reason, when you feel on top of the world, and you have ideas that are brilliant. This phase usually doesn't last long, and before you know it, you're into full blown mania.

And then there's the crash. It usually feels like you've literally hit a brick wall going 100 mph. You might wake up in the psych ward, you might wake up on the streets, you might not wake up at all. But it's there, and there's usually the deep depression that follows, where you're in a shame spiral because of all the incredible things you did while manic.

I remember the last manic episode I had, I was convinced I was going to start a jewelry making business, and sell my wares to my friends. I bought necklaces, and lockets, and trinkets with money I really didn't have. I was obsessed. I was crazed. I was fixated on this one thing. I felt amazing. I was in control. Until I wasn't. I couldn't tend my kids because I'd flown into psychosis, and wanted to kill myself because I wasn't a size 6 anymore. I was barely holding onto reality, and it was terrifying. I finally went to my doctor sobbing that I needed help, and I was admitted to the hospital.

I know a lot of my bipolar friends miss the mania, and struggle with medication compliance because of that. I miss the hypo-mania, but not enough to risk full blown mania. It's fun for awhile, but it becomes horrific very quickly.

Mania is an uncontrolled beast that resides inside every bipolar person (well, bipolar I person), and it is something that will never be tamed, at least, not without proper medication and therapy, IMHO.

So although there is some 'fun' included in mania, it's doesn't stay grins and giggles, which is an excellent reason to try and keep it tamed. Even when it's hard because you miss the euphoria, you have to remember that it's not just that, there's also usually a side of remorse and embarrassment included with it. 

Why I can't just 'get over' my mania

Doesn't having an elated mood, possibly for weeks at a time, sound wonderful? It certainly doesn't sound like anything you need to see your doctor over, right? What about having a sense of confidence in yourself? That you are born to succeed, and can't fail. That sounds like it'd be a great trait for an entrepreneur to have. But what about impulsivity? Or racing thoughts? These sound less fun, don't they? How about engaging in risky behaviors, such as having unprotected sex, gambling, or going on huge shopping sprees? That doesn't sound fun at all, does it?

Out of any of these, which do you think I can control? Which do you think I can just 'get over'?

Moving past a manic episode is almost a Herculean task. You do stupid, shameful things while in a state of mania. It's easy to hold a grudge towards your manic self because of all the suffering it brings on.

And why should I have to 'get over' it? Being bipolar is who I am. Yes, I want to control my mania, just as I want to control the depression, but do I really need to 'get over' it? That's  like telling me to 'get over' my arm, or my left pinky toe.

I understand that people want me to get better, but I'm not going to get over bipolar disorder as easily as one gets over the cold.

It's impossible to 'get over' some of these things. Maintain and control yes, but eliminate completely? Not likely.

Mania has such little good to it, yet many people with bipolar disorder are addicted to that sliver of goodness. The rush you feel, the on top of the world high, those are difficult feelings to voluntarily banish. The colors you see, the creativity you have, why would anyone get rid of these things? Because there's more to mania than just that high. And I can't get over it without help.

I can't regulate my sleep cycle, eat this diet, and take those herbs to feel at optimal levels. It just doesn't work that way.

It also doesn't work by using sheer willpower to control the symptoms. If it did, everyone would be doing it, and bipolar disorder wouldn't be considered a serious mental illness.

For me, staying sane includes therapy and meds. It includes getting enough sleep, and eating regular meals. It includes having a support system to rely on. I have to know my triggers, and learn to cope with my stressors.

There's no 'getting over' mania, but there is 'living with' mania. And thriving. 

What You Can’t See About Living With Bipolar Disorder

There are so many things that people don't see about living with bipolar disorder.

No-one sees the anguish of knowing you're cycling, and feeling helpless to stop it. No-one sees the crushing weight of the depression. No-one sees the drug-like euphoria of mania.

People don't see you curled up in a ball on the edge of your bed as you hold your pill bottle in your hand, trying to convince yourself not to take them because you just can't take life anymore.

People don't see the shame spiral you fall into when you wake up from the mania haze and see the path of destruction you've left behind.

People don't see how deeply sorry you are, and how you'd give anything to not be like this.

No-one sees the difficulty of having to explain that you really are sick, even though you look totally healthy. Or the shame that can come along with looking totally fine, yet being broken into a million little pieces on the inside.

People don't see the internal struggle, the often daily internal struggle of living with this. Sometimes it feels like things will never be right; when you're feeling great, you have to worry if it's mania, or if it's not mania, you're worried about how long it'll last. Then when you're depressed, you have to try and hold on to the hope that there will be brighter days ahead, even though your head is messing with you and screaming that there will never be a light at the end of this tunnel.

No-one sees the tears, because you get tired of sharing them. No-one sees the haunting sadness, because you don't want to scare people away.

People see the beautiful smile, and hear the, 'I'm fine.', and leave it at that.

On the other hand, people don't see the compassion, the sheer empathy, and the love that people with bipolar disorder have for humanity.

We suffer, so we are more in tune with others' suffering, and want to alleviate it.

People don't see the absolute genius that is in our brains, usually because we're too disorganized to bring it to fruition, or too scared of failure, or for any other number of reasons.

People don't see enough stories of hope in bipolar disorder. They hear the horror stories, the untreated souls who are suffering, and think that's all that's there.

There is hope. Medications aren't fun, but they bring you peace and relief from the dark roller coaster ride. Therapy helps you understand yourself better, and gives you practical skills to use when you're struggling. Maybe what people need to see, how hard people with mental illness work to improve themselves.

It's a long uphill battle sometimes, but it's certainly not a death sentence - unless you make it one. And people can't see that without help.

Gotta stay pumped for the cold lonely days ahead...

And how do we do that? That's right! With good music! And you're right, good music is totally subjective, so right now, this is my idea of good music. I told you I was trying to blog more. I'm running low on good blog ideas atm, so I'm sharing the songs that are running through my head. I don't think I can share the insecurities that are going through my head with all of you loyal readers just yet, not til I've had the chance to process them with my trusty therapist, lol, so this is what you're getting from me today :)

I'm absolutely in love with these three songs right now, I can't stop listening to them, my family is so sick of hearing them on repeat. I'm practically sick of them myself, but I'm addicted. Ah well, I suppose there are worse addictions, right? The first two pump me up, especially Elle King's 'Exes and Oh's', it reminds me of my wilder days. and brings back some fond memories, lol. I miss some of those moments. And the Offspring's 'You're Gonna Go Far Kid', encourages me, even if that's not the intent, that's what I get from it. I should probably reread the lyrics on it. And the Hush Sound's 'The Lighthouse' is a favorite of mine because I bonded over my oldest over it, and that's always a good time right? 

Day 27: How am I feeling?

I've seriously been neglecting my blog. 31 blogs in 31 days was a pretty epic fail. Maybe it's because I'm scared of success or of achieving anything, so I doom myself to failure, all the time. But that's another story, another time.

How am I feeling? Why is that such a hard question to answer? Can't normal people do a quick assessment and just know? Why don't I know? Why do I dig and dig and dig, but still aren't sure about my emotions? Why are they so stifled? I know I've written about this before, but it bears a repeat because it's actually really important to me. I want to feel.

I can feel negative emotions and recognize them fairly easily, but positive emotions are a lot harder to get to. I can't associate anything with them. I was talking to Josh today about how I had a lot less issues when we first got together, and he told me that wasn't true, I just wasn't as aware of them. I've never thought of it that way before. I know I'm a lot more reserved now, to the point of standoffishness, but I thought I was happy back then. Josh says it was a false happiness, more of a deluded happiness. It makes sense, in a way. And maybe what I'm going through now is normal. I mean, I was on a manic high for years, maybe I'm just going to be in a more depressed state for years too.

It's all so foggy though. Why is my life so hard to remember? Why are the memories so elusive, so dim? My short-term memory is pretty good, but long term...that's shot.

This is quickly turning into quite the confusing post, and just when I thought I had this writing thing down. Well, I can't help I'm in all sorts of a mixed emotional state tonight, lol. I'm pondering a lot of deep things, and they just trigger more questions than answers. Which I then type out as they come to mind. I'm slow going on the keyboard tonight, usually the words just flow naturally through my fingers, and I can type a post pretty quickly, but tonight I'm struggling for each sentence.

It could be exhaustion. I am pretty tired. We visited my sister-in-law last night, and didn't get home until around 2 AM. And then I couldn't get to sleep until around 4. I'm definitely going to bed much earlier tonight. Then maybe I'll be able to write more coherently tomorrow. Maybe sleeping will be easier now that I've vented about not feeling things normally again. It's been rough the last few nights, even with the Seroquel. Which I certainly didn't take last nite, I'd never have gotten up this morning otherwise.

So right now, I'm feeling tired. And spent. But not irritated. And not depressed. I had a pretty good day for the most part, I did some shopping, watched Dark Knight Rises, took the oldest to the park, and saw Iron Man 3, again. Robert Downey Jr. always cheers me up. Has anyone else ever wondered if he was possibly bipolar? Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but I'd love it if he were. At least, if he'd come out in the open with it and embrace it as part of himself. Or maybe it's just the characters he likes to play, who knows? I watch him act, and watch the characters he plays, and I always wonder. I mean, watch him in Sherlock Holmes, or in Iron Man, doesn't he seem to be running totally manic? I love his portrayal of the craziness we feel inside. At least he's not making people with mental illness look like gun slinging psychopaths. You know, like the news seems to want to portray us.  But I'm definitely digressing here.

I'm going back to how I'm feeling. I'm feeling good I think. I'll take that for the time being and just accept and embrace the positive emotion.

It's 3 AM and I'm not sleeping...

I must be crazy! I can't sleep and I've taken a Lunesta and two Ambien. What the frickity frack is wrong with me? I know what's wrong, and it's not a good thing, I think. It''s never a good thing when I'm up past 1 and still feeling constructive...that's a sign I'm headed into mania-ville, and I get into major trouble in that place. All night long, (and I've been laying in bed tossing and turning for hours) I've been thinking about the 'clean slate' from Dark Knight Rises..for those of you who are uninitiated to the amazingness that is Batman, the clean slate is a program that allows you to type in a person's name, DOB, and SSN, and they just disappear...Poof! Never existed.

And boy do I want one. You see, we've got IRS issues. You think the IRS is targeting the tea party and republican sympathizers...well they've got nothing on how hard the IRS and state tax commission is on us. It makes all that drama look like cake and ice cream parties in the park. So I lay here and daydream that one day we'll meet someone who happens to be slightly corrupt and worked for the IRS and is able to go in and fix our tax issues. I have this dream often, but it usually doesn't keep me awake with racing thoughts for hours on end. Especially not after taking the meds I've taken to sleep.

I wonder how I'll feel in the morning, both the girls have pictures and games...at two different locations...I'm excited, not. If I feel fantastic, that's not such a good sign, if I'm dragging and want to die, that'll suck, but at least I can feel more reassured I'm not going manic. I know Sunday and Monday are probably going to suck...I had an EKG done and my doctor is concerned because my heart rate is elevated, so he's got me off my Adderall for the next 5 days to see what happens. I know I can expect some wicked withdrawals. I go through them when I miss my Concerta doses, and I can't imagine Adderall being any different. He also what a complete metabolic panel done-fasting, which hasn't happened yet...I just don't make it 10 hours without something to drink or eat, lol. So that will get done when it get's done.

So, what possessed me to get up and write at 3 AM instead of just lying there trying to pretend to sleep some more? Well for one thing, it's hotter than hell in my bedroom right now, and for another....none of you have really seen my manic side, well, hypomanic side, and I thought I would share.

I love feeling this way, except it always only seems to come at night, and never on my terms. Like I mean really, I don't like daydreaming about a quick fix to our money woes because I know there's not one out there, and it's just a huge let down the next day when reality hits again. Plus, I feel utterly exhausted and would kill to sleep, but sleep is elusive as the Loch Ness monster right now.

I know journaling is always something good to try when you're full of broken thoughts you can't repair, and that's kind of what I'm trying to do here. Maybe if I get it out of my system by writing about it, it'll stay out and not bother me anymore.

So we'll see how this social experiment goes. I've typed about 15 minutes worth of stuff, I'm going to try laying down and see if I can finally get some slumber...I wish it was peaceful, or restful, but alas, I am not so lucky as to get slumber like that.

Hopefully I can get some rest, otherwise I'll just be back on blogging about God knows what next...maybe my Oregon trip, or how being bipolar can really suck sometimes, it'd be something entertaining I'm sure. But hopefully I won't be back on because I'll be sleeping.

What do you do on nights like this? How do you get out those broken thoughts so they're not racing around your had anymore?The best part about blog posts are the comments, so please, leave your tips and advice (or commiseration) below!