Saturday, June 8, 2013

It's 3 AM and I'm not sleeping...

I must be crazy! I can't sleep and I've taken a Lunesta and two Ambien. What the frickity frack is wrong with me? I know what's wrong, and it's not a good thing, I think. It''s never a good thing when I'm up past 1 and still feeling constructive...that's a sign I'm headed into mania-ville, and I get into major trouble in that place. All night long, (and I've been laying in bed tossing and turning for hours) I've been thinking about the 'clean slate' from Dark Knight Rises..for those of you who are uninitiated to the amazingness that is Batman, the clean slate is a program that allows you to type in a person's name, DOB, and SSN, and they just disappear...Poof! Never existed.

And boy do I want one. You see, we've got IRS issues. You think the IRS is targeting the tea party and republican sympathizers...well they've got nothing on how hard the IRS and state tax commission is on us. It makes all that drama look like cake and ice cream parties in the park. So I lay here and daydream that one day we'll meet someone who happens to be slightly corrupt and worked for the IRS and is able to go in and fix our tax issues. I have this dream often, but it usually doesn't keep me awake with racing thoughts for hours on end. Especially not after taking the meds I've taken to sleep.

I wonder how I'll feel in the morning, both the girls have pictures and two different locations...I'm excited, not. If I feel fantastic, that's not such a good sign, if I'm dragging and want to die, that'll suck, but at least I can feel more reassured I'm not going manic. I know Sunday and Monday are probably going to suck...I had an EKG done and my doctor is concerned because my heart rate is elevated, so he's got me off my Adderall for the next 5 days to see what happens. I know I can expect some wicked withdrawals. I go through them when I miss my Concerta doses, and I can't imagine Adderall being any different. He also what a complete metabolic panel done-fasting, which hasn't happened yet...I just don't make it 10 hours without something to drink or eat, lol. So that will get done when it get's done.

So, what possessed me to get up and write at 3 AM instead of just lying there trying to pretend to sleep some more? Well for one thing, it's hotter than hell in my bedroom right now, and for another....none of you have really seen my manic side, well, hypomanic side, and I thought I would share.

I love feeling this way, except it always only seems to come at night, and never on my terms. Like I mean really, I don't like daydreaming about a quick fix to our money woes because I know there's not one out there, and it's just a huge let down the next day when reality hits again. Plus, I feel utterly exhausted and would kill to sleep, but sleep is elusive as the Loch Ness monster right now.

I know journaling is always something good to try when you're full of broken thoughts you can't repair, and that's kind of what I'm trying to do here. Maybe if I get it out of my system by writing about it, it'll stay out and not bother me anymore.

So we'll see how this social experiment goes. I've typed about 15 minutes worth of stuff, I'm going to try laying down and see if I can finally get some slumber...I wish it was peaceful, or restful, but alas, I am not so lucky as to get slumber like that.

Hopefully I can get some rest, otherwise I'll just be back on blogging about God knows what next...maybe my Oregon trip, or how being bipolar can really suck sometimes, it'd be something entertaining I'm sure. But hopefully I won't be back on because I'll be sleeping.

What do you do on nights like this? How do you get out those broken thoughts so they're not racing around your had anymore?The best part about blog posts are the comments, so please, leave your tips and advice (or commiseration) below!

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