Hi again!

I don't think I'm ever going to be a completely regular writer. It's nigh on impossible to keep my blog updated, work on my book, and write articles for The Mighty. Not to mention cleaning my house, taking care of my kids, and taking care of me.

That's right! I've finally started on my book, for reals. I've got the whole first paragraph written out. I've also written my autobiography, which is the template for my book. I need 50,000 more words for my book, and I really feel I can do it!

Life is going. I went back into treatment in May, and quit my job too. It was a painful decision, deciding to quit my job, but I had to focus on me, and I couldn't do treatment and work anymore. It was too much.

Summer was great. We went to Disneyland, taking the kids for their first time ever. That was quite the experience. I really struggled with being there. I finally broke down after that trip, and recognized that my anxiety was bad enough that I really needed meds for it. My psych out me on Neurontin for it, and honestly, it changed my life. I'm so grateful.

I'm working on going to Haiti to serve orphans there that need our help. If anyone is interested, my daughter and I have a gofundme for this project. Here is the link if anyone is interested in helping us achieve our goal.

The kids started school, and this is the first year all four of the kids are in school. It's been so nice to have a few hours to myself everyday, except I've barely had anytime to myself really. It feels like every day something comes up to keep me from getting what I want done.

Josh and I are doing fantastically. In fact,we're doing so well we're no longer in marriage counseling. It's a Saturnalia miracle.

Mostly thought, and the most important thing, is that I'm doing well. I write about living with bipolar disorder, and right at this very moment, I have my bipolar disorder...it doesn't have me,

Life has it's struggles, for sure, but I'm content. 

Day 21: Whenever you're feeling all alone, think of me...

Do you ever feel all alone with your bipolar disorder? That there is no one out there who could possibly understand the great heights we reach, just as we must hit the pits of despair as well.

I know everyone euffers bipolar disorder differently, but here are a few of my favorite people who I'm proud to stand and be counted with.
 Beethoven anyone? Demi Lovato, (possibly) Brittany Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Carrie Fisher, Sinead O'Connor, Vincent Van Gogh, Emily Dickinson, Virginia Woolf, Linda Hamilton, and Vivien Leigh. 

Best known of these is probably Carrie Fisher, she's certainly been one of the most outspoken actresses about her disorder. Here's a little bio on her:

Carrie Fisher, actress, 54, best known for her role as Princess Leia in theStar Wars trilogy, has experienced plenty of turbulence in her life—and not just aboard the Millennium Falcon. After years of struggling with mania and depression, Fisher was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was 28. 

Fisher told USA Today in 2002 that she now leads a normal life and her behavior is much more predictable, thanks to the lithium prescribed by her doctor. But it wasn’t always so easy. “I hacked off my hair, got a tattoo, and wanted to convert to Judaism," she said of her most recent manic episode.

Ah, the readers, the writers, the dreamers and me...here a few other bios just in case you needed more enlightenment on why you are amazing for just being you. Starting with a Emily Dickinson and ending with Vivien Leigh, just a few amazing people with bipolar disorder. I'll try to do another one of there as interest shows what's read and what's not :)

Emily Dickinson

This introverted poet’s work is often dark and gloomy. While it is impossible to know for sure if her mental illness would have been classified as bipolar disorder today, a 2001 study in theAmerican Journal of Psychiatry that examined cycles in Dickinson’s productivity suggests that may be the case.
Dickinson’s doctor diagnosed her with “nervous prostration,” which, according to the study’s author, psychiatrist John F. McDermott, MD, was “characterized by anxiety and depression.” In Dickinson’s time, physicians had not yet identified bipolar disorder as such, but, Dr. McDermott notes, Dickinson’s writing patterns are “not inconsistent” with the symptom profile of the disorder.

Linda Hamilton

Actress Linda Hamilton is best known for her role as Sarah Connor in Terminatorand Terminator 2: Judgment Day. She also starred in the TV series Beauty and the Beast. Despite her professional success, though, she was self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and her mood swings damaged two marriages. Hamilton struggled with symptoms of bipolar disorder for 20 years, a time she calls the lost years, before overcoming it. Though she initially worried that treatment would diminish her talents, she is now on medication and speaks openly about being bipolar. "Somebody needs to come out and make this okay for people to talk about and get help and take advantage of the resources," she told the Associated Press.

Virginia Woolf

The dark diaries and letters of Woolf, who suffered four major breakdowns before drowning herself at age 59, have convinced numerous scholars that the writer must have had manic-depressive illness. According to a 2004 article by psychologist Katherine Dalsimer, the “mood swings from severe depression to manic excitement and episodes of psychosis” that Woolf experienced would be diagnosed as bipolar today.

Vivien Leigh

Best known for her iconic Oscar-winning role as Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind, Vivien Leigh also captured the public's attention with her marriage to fellow actor Laurence Olivier. However, Leigh was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and her unpredictable behavioreventually ruined her professional reputation and destroyed her marriage to Olivier. "In her day there were no pills, there were no clinics, there were no publicists, there was nobody between Vivien and an outside world which she found chilly, hostile, and sometimes, because of her mental state, could not cope with," said her friend Sheridan Morley in a BBC documentary.

Feel better? Invincible? Unbreakable? Well you should be feeling that way. Look at what just a few of have done. This handful of names has changed histories! No other group of people with the common theme between them being their diagnosis has this. We are amazing. You. Are. Amazing.

Now go out there and change the world. I know I'm trying to.

I'm going to be a real published blogger!

Guess what everyone? I signed up for a guest blogger website, and got a request from a website to write an article about bipolar disorder, which, (while not being a medical expert, feel I have some expertise in), I did!

I totally expected them to send me back an e-mail saying thanks for the effort, but this isn't what we're looking for, but they didn't!

Instead I got e-mail saying they really enjoyed the article and it will be published June 17th!

I can't believe it!

That's all the news I have for the moment, but I'm sure I'll have something new to talk about soonly!

Sorting through my feelings

I'm a bit down tonight, and haven't quite figured out why. Things at home are going well, the kids are healthy, the husband is healthy, and I'm stable. My blog and facebook page are exceeding my wildest dreams for interest and participation from people. And maybe that's what is tripping me up. I am terrified of failure, it's why I so rarely step out of my comfort zone and try new things...but I'm petrified of success as well, and if I manage to create a successful blog, then wow!, that would mean I can do things and be successful, and trying to believe that would be a huge paradigm shift for me.

How do I overcome these feelings of inadequacy? It's something I'm working on in therapy, but right now it's got me tripped up. I'm looking at my blog and thinking to myself, "This doesn't matter in the least to anyone, I'm not helping change the world view with my little blog." Hell, I'm not even on the radar for changing the world view and helping decrease the stigma of bipolar disorder. But, and this is what my therapist keeps challenging me with...what if I'm wrong? What if there are actually people reading this and coming away feeling more hope, more power, or more edified? If you are one of those people, please...at least acknowledge it somewhere on my blog, lol. Rate a reaction, leave a comment, even become a subscriber because if I've impacted you, I'd love to know it.

Speaking of people who impact our lives, I think what's got me down today is one of my best friends lost her daughter earlier this week. I'm just devastated over the pain my friend is going through and the fact that I can't take it away. And she's so intricately tied to my advocacy role for mental illness, because this is the friend that pushed and finally convinced me that what I had to say WAS important, and that my story could help somebody, somewhere. She said I had the power in me to not only write a great book, but to become a public speaker for the mentally ill, that I could proudly be a face for bipolar disorder. She inspired me so much that I started going to the NAMI groups, joined the NAMI board in my county, and I started taking classes to become a certified NAMI instructor.

She did so much for me in just that year's time (we're both so busy, we only manage to get together a couple times a year), and now when she needs help the most, I cant give it to her. I hate feeling so impotent and weak when there should be *something* I can do. I feel trapped and helpless watching her go through this loss.

If you've stuck around to this point and are of a prayerful sort, send out a prayer to my dear friend Tomi, that she may be comforted during this time of trial in her life, and I think you'll be blessed for it.

I know this is my most rambling post yet, but I had some emotions I needed to sort through, and I want to share what I go through with the world so you too can see what the inner working of a bipolar patient's mind looks like at times. Hopefully you weren't bored to tears by this post, and hopefully I'll be over this writer's block soon and can start adding interesting posts again soon!

We're only as sick as our secrets

I heard this a lot when I was in the hospital. The therapists there taught us that sharing the things we had hidden in the deepest recesses of our hearts could help us heal. I was super skeptical at first, but as I opened up and talked about the things in my past that had been buried away, I actually started to feel...different. I felt emotions again. Well...*one* emotion. And it sucked. I hated how sad I felt, and it was a crushing sadness. I had no idea how long it would last, but if that was what happened when you opened up to try and let the inner hurt out, well...I figured I could live without it, especially if it was going to leave me a crying mess all the time. And we were pushed to our limits to feel and acknowledge our emotions, and to open up, and to discuss things. I was no small source of frustration to one of the therapists because I simply couldn't open up and talk about things. She would push and push and try to make me feel, but I couldn't do it. Not in front of a group of people. If I was going to lose control, I'd do it in private, thank you very much.

As much as it sucked, it was incredibly therapeutic and I discovered that I had to be pushed into emotional turmoil if I were ever going to make any progress on 'fixing' me. And once I told the therapists, they did all they could to help keep me working hard on issues that were incredibly difficult to work through...because I was in a safe place, and if it triggered too much, I would be okay. I begged my outpatient therapist to push me just as hard, but she won't for liability reasons. She said she is willing to push me, but not like they did because she has to make sure I'm safe when I leave her office, whereas I wasn't going anywhere in the hospital and I could be pushed harder.

But here I am, nearly a month later, and the intensity of the sadness faded, and other emotions have been felt as well. I've felt excitement at going out with girlfriends for lunch, I've felt happiness at being with my husband, joy at watching my youngest learn to walk...there are still times when I feel sad, but it's not that deep dark sadness that I felt at first.

Letting out your secrets is a hard and painful thing to do. My therapist has me doing a lot of writing for her, and she also has me working out of a DBT workbook for bipolar patients. The last writing assignment she gave me was harder than I'd expected it to be. She wanted me to write a letter to my schemas, (for those of you who don't know, a schema is basically  belief that you have about the world that is severely skewed in a negative light, which affects your thoughts and actions; it's also called a life-trap) and explain how they made me felt. I know my top 6, and I wrote to all of them. It was a painful process.

My main schemas include mistrust/abuse, social isolation, defectiveness/shame, self-sacrifice, unrelenting standards, and insufficient self control. I won't go into what those all mean here, because I don't see any point to it. I don't like that I have these life traps which affect my thought processes and perceptions about the world. I'm especially frustrated that I don't know how to fix them myself and that I have to rely on my therapist to help me work through them.

I want to be able to do it on my own because that's just who I am. I help other people with their problems, and I handle my own stuff myself. If I can't fix myself, then that must mean it was meant to stay broken. This is the attitude I had for the longest time, but it's recently began to change to where I can accept that if I've tried and tried to fix it, then maybe it's okay after all to ask for help. I just hate asking for help when I don't know what help I need.

So are we really only as sick as our secrets? I was a disbeliever at first, but now that I've started sharing my some of my 'secrets' with people I trust...(like my husband, my therapist, my church leader), I've noticed a difference. Some have been eye-opening in your face changes in me, and others have been more subtle. I think I can agree that we're only as sick as what we're hiding on the inside, and getting it out into the open...to be laid bare for all to see, can be one of the best healing steps of all.

Stomping Out Stigma!

Stomping out stigma!

May is Mental Health Month, and I'm trying to do my part in helping stomp out stigma!

#stompingoutstigma

 

There are other, bigger blogs out there

And I'm okay with that.

I hope you are enjoying my ramblings as much as I'm enjoying sharing them. I have been researching how to keep my blog interesting enough that people keep coming back to it, and I discovered that 'Wow! I'm not the first person to write about being bipolar!' I came across some other really good blogs that I want to share with you guys, so that way if you're hungry for more reading, it's here.

This first one is from bipolar veteran John McManamy, who is the dean of bipolar bloggers. A mental-health journalist who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1999, at the age of 49, McManamy has maintained an encyclopedic website, McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web, for nearly a decade. He writes about everything from treatment options to research news. He also has his own blog  Knowledge Is Necessity, which provides a steady stream of funny and informative writing—and videos!—on mental health.

The second one of note is Amy, a 34-year-old mother of four who lives in Tennessee, who blogs at All About Bipolar under the handle “atorturedsoul".

The next is Liz Spikol, who is the executive editor of an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia. She also happens to have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. Her addictive blog, The Trouble With Spikol, grew out of an award-winning column of the same name that she writes for the Philadelphia Weekly.

And last, but certainly not least, is the entertaining online diary of a bipolar woman in England, who writes The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. She is officially diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar I disorder and writes about her ups and downs in a lively, no-holds-barred style that will have you clicking the bookmark button for sure.

I know I'm super new on to the scene of things, but I hope to one day be as recognizable as these blogs are because although I'm writing for myself, I still have a strong desire to spread a message for the world too. I have no grand delusions of grandeur, lol, but I've always wanted to write, and to the biggest an audience I can reach. I know I can learn from these bloggers and gain more knowledge and expertise to help my own blog.

I'm sharing them with you so you have more resources than what my lonely little blog provides at the moment. Give me a few months, and watch my blog come alive with information, stories, and resources, just like the ones above have :)

Happy reading!

The beginning of my story...

Hi, I'm Tricia, and well, I blog about living with bipolar disorder. I'm a full time mom and a full time blogger. I have 4 adorable kiddos, and one amazing husband!

 

This is the beginning of my story, which starts here...

 

I say the beginning because my story is still unfolding. When I originally wrote this I was on my meds, doing wonderfully until a mini-disaster struck...I stopped my medications, which is something I've always had a problem with. So there is more to this story, but that's for a different blog, at a different time.

 

So my story....it’s about a bipolar woman who struggled to find herself, and still struggles to find herself occasionally...which is just one of the joys of being bipolar.

 

The story of a girl who's struggled with being misdiagnosed since she was 14, and has only recently found the right diagnosis, which means she could finally start finding the right meds. The story of a girl who struggled with being a cutter and dealt with anorexia as a teen. A story where staying stable enough to not rotate in and out of the psych ward was a battle that took years to settle between her illness, the 'real' her, and the mental health courts.

 

The story of an unstable girl who had no one to speak for her rights, let alone the ability to speak up for herself, who over time became the woman who no one walks all over and is able to speak up for her needs and desires. This is the story of a woman who cares about those walking this dark, almost unendurable path of hopelessness and despair because she's walked it too.

 

This is the story of a girl who once lost everything of value, all within the blink of an eye; her family gave up on her, her child was taken by the courts, she was evicted from her house, she had her car impounded, she lost her job, she lost her clean criminal record, and she lost even the desire to live. Everything of value to her was ripped away.

 

Over the course of a year, I’d completely hit rock bottom. I had absolutely no where to go but up. I crashed and burned and spent 6 weeks in a psychiatric unit, being watched to make sure I stayed alive. Ultimately, a decision from me had to be made. I had to start trying to live again. Because for the majority of those 6 horrid weeks, I just existed, willing myself to die.

 

So I did it. It was a small miracle, but I was released from the hospital close to Christmas time. My parents begrudgingly took me in off the streets and allowed me a place to stay. For that, I’m grateful. It was a small, but huge thing that managed to push me back into life. On New Year’s Eve, I reflected on my year, and all that had transpired, and realized that I had just survived what could only be described as sheer hell. It was absolutely the worst year of my life. Knowing that it was going to be all over in only a few short hours had a powerful effect on me. I woke up on New Years Day a new woman. I owned myself again. There were still setbacks, sometimes daily, but I eventually felt better and better more and more frequently.

 

Clawing my way up; tripping over pebble sized family issues, stumbling over seemingly insurmountable legal troubles, working through horrid rough patches that would set me back so far that giving up would feel like the only feasible option, I survived these trials.

 

There was the eventual turning point, the huge moment where I knew change had happened . Happiness had become a feeling that I recognized again. I was feeling real emotions for the first time in years and I now knew I wanted to somehow become a worthwhile member of society. I had finally overcome the pain of existence in what had seemed to be a hurtful, cold and meaningless world.

 

This is the beginning of the story of triumph over my bipolar disorder.

 

After years of suffering, I finally took ownership of my disorder and completely changed my life around. I went from being homeless on the streets with no rights to her child, no support from her family, and legal problems that would take years to untangle. The story of my life, my new life, was when I began having a life where I  truly lived in the moment. I gained a college degree, married a wonderful man, and started life as a stay at home mom to 4 wonderful children. It was a new life of becoming successful and trusting that success could last. It involved acquiring the courage to take risks while knowing I could fail, but still going for it. This is the story of a girl grateful for the new found confidence in her work, and being truly satisfied in the work she produces. This is the story of a girl finally accepting that she has the ability to succeed at anything, all she has to do is put  her mind to it.

 

This is not only a story of difficulty, hurt, suffering, and pain ,but is predominantly a strong story of hope, as well as a story that encourages advocacy, and a  strong passion for getting rid of the stigma surrounding mental illness. This is a story of caring and compassion, with a focus on the importance of volunteerism and service, and of giving back to those who are going through the darkness of mental illness themselves.

 

Ultimately this is the story of a woman who wants to give back as well, to offer support, to give people hope and to give hope to as large an audience as possible. I wanted to share a story that wasn't just an interesting read, but also a story that is emotionally charged, hopefully moving, and a story that resonates with everyone who reads it. I want you to passionately feel the emotions that bipolar disorder patients suffer with.

 

I want you to not just think, but KNOW changes need to be made, and to know, really know and understand who you're advocating for and why it needs to be done. A story that moves you to contact programs in your community and start doing something NOW. A story that has you contacting your local politician and becoming a voice for the mentally ill in your community.

 

But ultimately I hope you read a story of hope. A story that  you read and after finishing it, feel encouraged that there is hope for the mentally ill, there is treatment that works, and recovery is possible!

 

The Day Before Tomorrow...

Tomorrow kicks off the Ultimate Blog Challenge, and I'm participating! I'm super nervous about trying to come up with a blog every single day, but I'm going to do my best to provide you guys with awesome bipolar related blog posts every day for the month of July. Here's to me kicking some butt and helping do my part to erase the stigma of mental illness!

I feel so confident at this exact momemt, I mean, I've already got 5 blog topics titled and ready to be written, and I've read some of the 'cheat sheets' for how to blog on a tight schedule, so I'm hoping I can make this work!

Fingers crossed for me, and for everyone else who is participating in the UBC this month!

Writer's block

I think I have it.

I just don't know what to write about. I have so many topics in my head, but I can't think of one that I know enough about to make a decent blog out of it. I want to write about what it's like vacationing when you have a mental illness, but I don't see there being much interest in that, and it'd just be based off my experiences I had on my last trip. Or I could write about what I would do if a cure for bipolar disorder was discovered. Would I take it or not? I feel like I'm living in the movie X-Men talking about that. Like I'm some kind of mutant or something. Or I could write about the misconceptions of mental illness in the media and how a person who is mentally ill is more likely to be the victim of a crime versus the perpetrator. Or what about the link between bullying and suicide?

See all the crazy thoughts that run through my head? My therapist recommended I write about apathy and what it does to you, or maybe about how feeling emotions is a long an painful process to go through. I liked those ideas, so I think I'll take her advice and blog about those topics. One for you guys, and hopefully one to be published! Fingers crossed that happens again!

There are other bigger, better blogs out there...

And I'm okay with that.

I hope you are enjoying my ramblings as much as I'm enjoying sharing them. I have been researching how to keep my blog interesting enough that people keep coming back to it, and I discovered that 'Wow! I'm not the first person to write about being bipolar!' I came across some other really good blogs that I want to share with you guys, so that way if you're hungry for more reading, it's here.

This first one is from bipolar veteran John McManamy, who is the dean of bipolar bloggers. A mental-health journalist who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1999, at the age of 49, McManamy has maintained an encyclopedic website, McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web, for nearly a decade. He writes about everything from treatment options to research news. He also has his own blog  Knowledge Is Necessity, which provides a steady stream of funny and informative writing—and videos!—on mental health.

The second one of note is Amy, a 34-year-old mother of four who lives in Tennessee, who blogs at All About Bipolar under the handle “atorturedsoul".

The next is Liz Spikol, who is the executive editor of an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia. She also happens to have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. Her addictive blog, The Trouble With Spikol, grew out of an award-winning column of the same name that she writes for the Philadelphia Weekly.

And last, but certainly not least, is the entertaining online diary of a bipolar woman in England, who writes The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. She is officially diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar I disorder and writes about her ups and downs in a lively, no-holds-barred style that will have you clicking the bookmark button for sure.

I know I'm super new on to the scene of things, but I hope to one day be as recognizable as these blogs are because although I'm writing for myself, I still have a strong desire to spread a message for the world too. I have no grand delusions of grandeur, lol, but I've always wanted to write, and to the biggest an audience I can reach. I know I can learn from these bloggers and gain more knowledge and expertise to help my own blog. 

I'm sharing them with you so you have more resources than what my lonely little blog provides at the moment. Give me a few months, and watch my blog come alive with information, stories, and resources, just like the ones above have :) 

Happy reading!