Thankful Thursday

I watched the 2010 Alice in Wonderland with my kids last night, and it was great. I had 3 of them curled up in my lap and life was good. I love this movie, and I've got a strong desire to read the book now. I loved how inquisitive my kids were about everything in the show, and I love that they're still young enough to think that I have all the answers :)
For some reason this show has been on my mind a lot lately, maybe it has to do with how crazy I am, and how crazy it is, but I feel a strong kinship with this movie. I feel an even stronger connection to the quirky quotes in the book. I can handle madness, but I don't know if I can handle as much madness as in that book! That's why I haven't read it yet, lol.
So with all that rambling, can you guess the things I'm thankful for today? I'm thankful for happy, healthy children...and the love of reading!
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”
“Curiouser and curiouser!”
“The time has come
The walrus said
To talk of many things:
Of shoes- and ships-
And sealing wax-
Of cabbages and kings-
And why the sae is boiling hot-
And whether pigs have wings.”

Motivational Monday

What motivates you? I had that question asked to me a couple times over the last few days, and it's really eaten at me. My kids should motivate me, but when I get super depressed, they're not motivation enough. I think I've learned that true motivation has to come from within. Josh has been working out a lot lately, and I've not been super supportive. It's probably a good thing his motivation is internal because I've really been slacking on the external. He is a great example of internal motivating keeping you going because if all you're relying on is a cheerleader, well, there are times when that cheerleader is going to let you down.

And I think that's been my problem for a long time now. I rely on external motivation to continue doing something when all I really need is the inner cheerleader in me to keep going at it. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong though, or being inappropriate, or sticking my foot in my mouth, or any other numerous ways I can look like an idiot that I can't be my own cheerleader. Now that I've discovered that was what was holding me back, I've become determined to overcome it. I can't really live if all I'm surrounded by is fear of making a move. So I've started moving. Slowly. Carefully, like a jungle cat hunting for it's prey. I test the environment outside of my comfort zone for a little bit and then I scurry right back inside it. But, I'm staying out there a little longer each time.

I've made the goal to become more sociable and to worry less about how people perceive me. I'm working on smiling more, and being attempting to strike up a conversation with someone on occasion. I've gotten in contact with friends I've been avoiding for months and made lunch dates with them. And you know what? I feel better about myself. I like the me who has friends to talk to. I like the me that leaves the house for lunch dates. I'm taking it oh so slow, but hey, at least I'm moving in the right direction, right?

Just because I love having an excuse for showing these faces off, here are some examples of people who motivate me. These are just some pics of me with my younger kids over the weekend. When I'm doing well, how can these adorable faces NOT be motivation enough to stay strong? They're definitely motivation now, but when things get tough, I've got to find the strength from within. As do we all.

Day 9: Change can suck sometimes.

This writing thing is hard. I don't think I realized how hard it was coming up with something new every day until I started trying it. I'm glad I've got my schemas going on and can discuss those, but it's hard to keep writing when I really don't want to. Just a quick note here, I thought I could write about my 5th schema tonight, but it's just not happening. When I started I was in a great mood, and was motivated, and had energy, and life was amazing. And then I cycled.

I feel like crap, and I just want to curl up into a ball and not deal with anything. I've fallen into this deep pit of despair and see no way out, so I'm just struggling to stay afloat. This is the hell people with bipolar live with. I go to bed and have no clue what emotion I'll be dealing with when I wake up the next morning. I've been crushingly depressed the last 2 days, and for absolutely no good reason. I was happy as a clam for a good few weeks, there was no reason for things to change, but they did. All I can do is wait as patiently as possible for this dark cloud to lift and the sun to come out again. I get so sick of waiting patiently though. I get so sick of the sun going down so often and for no reason. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I don't see me living a long and fruitful life going up and down like this. I can't hack it. The people around me can't hack it. I mean, don't freak out, I'm not suicidal now, but that option sure looks more and more appealing the deeper I fall into this black hole. And its not even because I see no way out. I know this too shall pass, and I'll feel on top of the world again, but I don't know when. And even though I'll cycle back, I know I'll then start playing the waiting game again for the next time I crash. And I don't want to live like that. It's a bullshit way to live your life. It's a horrible life to let others into because it becomes their hell too.

I mean, in fact, life is going rather well. My husband got offered his new job, and he starts in 2 weeks, we bought a new car yesterday that is ten times nicer than any one we've ever owned before. We're paying an arm and a leg for it, but with Josh's new job, we can afford it. I want to refinance ASAP though, just so we're not continuing to pay an arm and a leg. I try to live as non-extravagantly as possible for some reason. We've been through two unemployment eras since this depression hit, and I like to keep our debt to income ratio as low as possible. You know, just in case. I think this preparing for the 'just in cases' in the worlds are wearing me out. It is physically and mentally exhausting trying to worry about every scenario that could go wrong, and yet I keep doing it. Josh is sitting over here happy as a lark about his new job, and our car, and the change that is happening all around us, and I'm lying in bed crying about nothing.

I think what is really eating at me is the change that's happening all around me. Even though it's good change, beepers don't do so well with change. I mean, our insurance is changing at the end of the month and we'll have copays again, and our prescription costs will be higher, and yeah. We met our out of pocket back in March, so we've been enjoying free healthcare since then. Starting in August we'll be paying for services again. I'm trying to think of what all I need to have done in the next 2 weeks before we roll over into a new insurance plan, lol.

And then there's the housing issue. I found a house. A glorious house. A gloriously perfect house. And it made me realize that we're not going to live here forever, and that's another change I'm not prepared to deal with. We didn't get the gloriously perfect house, someone else jumped on that offer before we could, but that's okay. God works on his own time, and when it's time for our gloriously perfect house to appear, it will. But I'm already overwhelmed and depressed about the thought of packing everything up, and going through the work  of moving into a new place, even though it's at least a year away before it happens. I am not being very mindful right now. Right now, mindfulness sucks, and is hard, and I don't even want to deal with trying to do it.

So that's been life the last few days. My mum is super worried about me, and Josh is super worried about me, and I just don't care. Right now I'm teetering on the edge of destruction, so it's a good thing I see my psych doctor tomorrow so I can talk to him and see what he recommends. We'll see if he thinks I'm dangerous enough to be admitted. I mean, idt I am, just because I'm not actively suicidal, but he's a new doctor, so I don't trust him too much just quite yet. And besides, I made a goal of 31 blogs in 31 days, and well, they don't allow electronics on the psych ward, I wouldn't be able to keep up if I missed a week of blogging. I'm giggling at the thought of trying to get my inpatient therapist to approve letting me have an hour a day to blog for 'therapeutic' reasons. I make myself laugh. I love it. Josh thinks it's cute how much I manage to amuse myself. I'm like a puppy chasing it's tail and being perfectly happy.

Speaking of puppies, I have to share with you the cutest story. My son is 3, and one of his favorite things to do when he's not being Batman is to be our puppy. He'll crawl around and bark, and come over and nuzzle our knee to get petted. If only he'd show some interest in potty training, he'd be the perfect pet. Well, our 18 month old has a speech delay due to mild hearing loss, so she doesn't talk or anything yet. She makes a lot of sounds, which is good, it means her hearing is probably either improving, or just staying mildly impaired. So, I guess needless to say, when she does something with sound or anything interacting with us, we get wildly excited. I tell you about my son's game of playing puppy so you'll understand this story with my daughter. She's been walking since the end of March, and doesn't generally crawl anywhere anymore. But for some reason the other day she started crawling around on the floor going 'ruff, ruff, ruff'! Believe me, it doesn't sound like that, but whenever we say it, she gets down and starts making the same sound. It is so freaking adorable. If I had it captured on video, I'd be linking it for your viewing pleasure.

I'm glad I made the decision to write tonight. I'm actually feeling a whole lot better now than I was when I first started. There's still so much more I could write about, like my disgusting house and how depressed I am about it, and how hard I am on myself for not being able to keep it clean, but that's related to my unrelenting standards schema, so I'll save it for when I finally write about that. I keep making the goal to get one room a day clean, and my poor mum, she was worried enough about me today, she came over and helped me achieve my goal of getting the kitchen done. Me, my oldest, and my mum all worked on it, and it's nice and sparkly now. With any luck, I'll have the urge to finish up my living room tomorrow, and then I'll have two nice and sparkly clean rooms. That will thrill me to no end.

What brings you up when you're down? How do you respond to change? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Day 11: Thankful Thursday!

It's my favorite blog day! Thankful Thursday! So what am I grateful for today? Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so let me show you!

Day 9: Just a little change brings a whole lotta consequences

This writing thing is hard. I don't think I realized how hard it was coming up with something new every day until I started trying it. I'm glad I've got my schemas going on and can discuss those, but it's hard to keep writing when I really don't want to. Just a quick note here, I thought I could write about my 5th schema tonight, but it's just not happening. When I started I was in a great mood, and was motivated, and had energy, and life was amazing. And then I cycled.

I feel like crap, and I just want to curl up into a ball and not deal with anything. I've fallen into this deep pit of despair and see no way out, so I'm just struggling to stay afloat. This is the hell people with bipolar live with. I go to bed and have no clue what emotion I'll be dealing with when I wake up the next morning. I've been crushingly depressed the last 2 days, and for absolutely no good reason. I was happy as a clam for a good few weeks, there was no reason for things to change, but they did. All I can do is wait as patiently as possible for this dark cloud to lift and the sun to come out again. I get so sick of waiting patiently though. I get so sick of the sun going down so often and for no reason. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I don't see me living a long and fruitful life going up and down like this. I can't hack it. The people around me can't hack it. I mean, don't freak out, I'm not suicidal now, but that option sure looks more and more appealing the deeper I fall into this black hole. And its not even because I see no way out. I know this too shall pass, and I'll feel on top of the world again, but I don't know when. And even though I'll cycle back, I know I'll then start playing the waiting game again for the next time I crash. And I don't want to live like that. It's a bullshit way to live your life. It's a horrible life to let others into because it becomes their hell too.

I mean, in fact, life is going rather well. My husband got offered his new job, and he starts in 2 weeks, we bought a new car yesterday that is ten times nicer than any one we've ever owned before. We're paying an arm and a leg for it, but with Josh's new job, we can afford it. I want to refinance ASAP though, just so we're not continuing to pay an arm and a leg. I try to live as non-extravagantly as possible for some reason. We've been through two unemployment eras since this depression hit, and I like to keep our debt to income ratio as low as possible. You know, just in case. I think this preparing for the 'just in cases' in the worlds are wearing me out. It is physically and mentally exhausting trying to worry about every scenario that could go wrong, and yet I keep doing it. Josh is sitting over here happy as a lark about his new job, and our car, and the change that is happening all around us, and I'm lying in bed crying about nothing.

I think what is really eating at me is the change that's happening all around me. Even though it's good change, beepers don't do so well with change. I mean, our insurance is changing at the end of the month and we'll have copays again, and our prescription costs will be higher, and yeah. We met our out of pocket back in March, so we've been enjoying free healthcare since then. Starting in August we'll be paying for services again. I'm trying to think of what all I need to have done in the next 2 weeks before we roll over into a new insurance plan, lol.

And then there's the housing issue. I found a house. A glorious house. A gloriously perfect house. And it made me realize that we're not going to live here forever, and that's another change I'm not prepared to deal with. We didn't get the gloriously perfect house, someone else jumped on that offer before we could, but that's okay. God works on his own time, and when it's time for our gloriously perfect house to appear, it will. But I'm already overwhelmed and depressed about the thought of packing everything up, and going through the work  of moving into a new place, even though it's at least a year away before it happens. I am not being very mindful right now. Right now, mindfulness sucks, and is hard, and I don't even want to deal with trying to do it.

So that's been life the last few days. My mum is super worried about me, and Josh is super worried about me, and I just don't care. Right now I'm teetering on the edge of destruction, so it's a good thing I see my psych doctor tomorrow so I can talk to him and see what he recommends. We'll see if he thinks I'm dangerous enough to be admitted. I mean, idt I am, just because I'm not actively suicidal, but he's a new doctor, so I don't trust him too much just quite yet. And besides, I made a goal of 31 blogs in 31 days, and well, they don't allow electronics on the psych ward, I wouldn't be able to keep up if I missed a week of blogging. I'm giggling at the thought of trying to get my inpatient therapist to approve letting me have an hour a day to blog for 'therapeutic' reasons. I make myself laugh. I love it. Josh thinks it's cute how much I manage to amuse myself. I'm like a puppy chasing it's tail and being perfectly happy.

Speaking of puppies, I have to share with you the cutest story. My son is 3, and one of his favorite things to do when he's not being Batman is to be our puppy. He'll crawl around and bark, and come over and nuzzle our knee to get petted. If only he'd show some interest in potty training, he'd be the perfect pet. Well, our 18 month old has a speech delay due to mild hearing loss, so she doesn't talk or anything yet. She makes a lot of sounds, which is good, it means her hearing is probably either improving, or just staying mildly impaired. So, I guess needless to say, when she does something with sound or anything interacting with us, we get wildly excited. I tell you about my son's game of playing puppy so you'll understand this story with my daughter. She's been walking since the end of March, and doesn't generally crawl anywhere anymore. But for some reason the other day she started crawling around on the floor going 'ruff, ruff, ruff'! Believe me, it doesn't sound like that, but whenever we say it, she gets down and starts making the same sound. It is so freaking adorable. If I had it captured on video, I'd be linking it for your viewing pleasure.

I'm glad I made the decision to write tonight. I'm actually feeling a whole lot better now than I was when I first started. There's still so much more I could write about, like my disgusting house and how depressed I am about it, and how hard I am on myself for not being able to keep it clean, but that's related to my unrelenting standards schema, so I'll save it for when I finally write about that. I keep making the goal to get one room a day clean, and my poor mum, she was worried enough about me today, she came over and helped me achieve my goal of getting the kitchen done. Me, my oldest, and my mum all worked on it, and it's nice and sparkly now. With any luck, I'll have the urge to finish up my living room tomorrow, and then I'll have two nice and sparkly clean rooms. That will thrill me to no end.

What brings you up when you're down? How do you respond to change? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Who am I? Why did I ever give me up?

Why don't I know who I am anymore? Why can't I relate to people like I once could? Is it because I'm married? Is it because I'm old? What is it? Why do I have the hardest time making friends? I didn't used to be like this. I used to be the life of the party. I used to have opinions I used to feel like I matter. I know WHAT I am...I'm a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a blogger, a photographer, a mad genius, a reader, a thinker, a plotter, a mastermind of ideas...but WHO am I? When I was in the hospital we were given the assignment to discover who we are. We were told to start by defining our core values and morals, likes and dislikes, etc., etc., etc. I did that. But I still feel the same. The me I am now is not the me I was 7 years ago, and I miss parts of that me. The parts that had the confidence to get whatever she wanted, the intelligence to put plans together, the social butterfly effect, all of that. I could do away with...have done away with the unmedicated me, the me who partied until 6 AM, slept a few hours, went to school, work, and then partied all night again. But that's when I felt the happiest.

And now, I don't. I don't think I can make a difference, I don't feel like my small contribution to society does anything, I'll never do anything bigger than being a housewife and raising my kids. Those are important things, in the long run, but I'll never be remembered for much. And doesn't everyone? Doesn't everyone somewhere deep down in them want to write the next Great American Novel, or be the next Beethoven, or the next Picasso, Van Gogh, or Michelangelo?

Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. I wasn't tied down back then by so many stresses and responsibilities, and I loved living that way. Maybe I didn't get it all out of my system before settling down and having more kids and a husband and all that jazz. I say that only halfheartedly though, I look at my oldest standing here talking to me and realize I wouldn't trade my children for all the adventures in the world. I love my husband and the life we have together. Things are hard at times, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

But is it wrong to want greatness? I used to think I had greatness in me. That there was nothing I couldn't achieve, if only I put my mind to it. And I achieved miraculous things. I overcame insurmountable odds that even Ludo Bagman wouldn't have bet on (who get's that reference?) Now, that's gone. I have no faith in my abilities, no thoughts that I can achieve great things, no hope that my plans will work out. And so I doom myself to failure. Back when I thought I could achieve anything, I did, even when it didn't seem like it at the time, and now when I feel like I can achieve nothing, I do it in spades. So maybe I can do whatever I set my mind to, whether it be greatness or defeat. Now the tricky part is this...how do I convince my mind to think great thoughts again? How can I appreciate the madness in me, the genius that is truly there? How can I reach my amazingly creative heights again?

Where did I give up at?

Deep down in me I'd love to write the next book to be featured by Oprah or something, but that might never happen. So I'd settle for the ability to socialize and have a good circle of friends. Hell, I'd settle for the ability to be able to keep my house clean on a consistent basis. To write a book, you have to know how to start it...and I can't figure out the start of my story for the life of me.

A million fragmented thoughts, they all come at me at once. I hear this thought, think it's good, then lose it. I hear another, mean to copy it down, but it escapes me. I should be working on my therapy assignment, but instead I'm blogging. Maybe in a way I am working on my assignment though. Maybe, in a way, I'm working on my book as well. I write knowing I intend to use this in my book one day, but I also write as an outlet for my thoughts.

So back to my question...where did I give up? I sometimes think it was way back when I first met my husband. I remember one of the very first times I met him, he had me so intimidated, that I let him be in control of a situation that I should have controlled. I wonder if that subconsciously set the tone for the rest of our relationship. I think I sometimes blame my husband for beating it out of me. I was so confident in my abilities until I met him. He was so confident as well that he overshadowed me. And I let him overshadow me so long that I began to forget who I really was. He would be cruel and say hurtful things, and I allowed it to happen, I never stood up for myself, and that's the person I became. It got even harder when he became the breadwinner and we decided I would stay home. I felt even more diminished as a contributing member of society because I was no longer in the workforce. This is harsh stuff to admit, but it's true. I can see that now.

So now that I can see where I gave up and let the me I loved slip away, how do I get her back? It's not by divorcing my hubby, for any of you reading and thinking that, no that's not where I'm headed. Yes I made mistakes when we were first together, and so did he, but here we are 6 years later and I love the man he is now. You're right, I should never have lost me in the first place, but it's no good pointing fingers and blaming now, it's time to pick up the pieces and glue me back together. Or maybe there is no gluing me back together. I've never imagined myself as a Humpty Dumpty, I've always seen myself more as the Cheshire Cat, able to disappear and reappear at will, and the one to ask the important questions, the ones that seem to be nonsense but aren't. I also see myself as fragments, a tortured soul who is only wisps of pale purple smoke. When I'm at my worst, that's all I am. At my best, I'm the Chessy Cat, mischievous grin and all.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like progress has been made. I've discovered something about me tonight, and it makes me feel really good. Now to start becoming the me I love again. I'll  keep you posted on how it goes!

As always, the best parts of blogs are reader comments, so tell me your thoughts below. What have you done in the past that you'd like to change, if anything? How do you stay true to yourself?