Day 7:If you want something done right...

Today I'm writing about the Social Isolation/Alienation Schema...If you remember, this schema refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.

This ties into my writing over the last few days, where I've mentioned how much I stuck out in school for being who I was. I've stuck out everywhere I can think of my entire life.I played baseball as a kid and stuck out there because not only was I terrible at it, but my brother was one of the star players. Oh, and I was the only girl on the team. I was deeply ashamed of the fact that I couldn't play, and that the entire team looked down upon me, but I didn't know what to do about it. I was maybe 10 when this was happening. That's just one example of how much I stuck out as a kid. I continued to stick out in school, not just for being smart, but because my clothes weren't 'the right style', and I didn't have the confidence to pull off what I was wearing. And as I've said earlier, sticking out in an inner city school was horrible.

So I think those events coupled with being ignored by the people who mattered most to me led to me feeling alone in the world, and that I was the only one who looked out for me. I've always been the one who's said if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself, and it's how I've lived my life to a point. In some cases it's just extreme  I mean, I do all the finances for the house, and don't let any one help with that, But in other matters I turn a mole hill into a mountain. I insist on taking the kids to the doctors because I worry something might be missed unless I was otherwise there to catch it. We've had a few scares the doctors before so I can try and recognize where that one is probably coming from as well.

I'm starting to think these schemas are all meshed together in some ways. Kind of like a Gordian  knot that is warped around itself, you'll never separate all the pieces. I still have't talked about my Self-Sacrifice schema, or insufficient self control or my unrelenting standards schemas. And those one are definitely affecting me in the here and now, whereas I think because of the progress I've made with my other 2 schemas, social isolation is one I can put on the back burner.

I'm learning to love me, a little  and I'm slowly reaching out of my comfort zone to show my friends the 'genuine' me, and they've seemed to like it so far.

So I'm going to call this a schema in passing. It's not dead to me yet, but if I keep up the hard work on my other schemas, it soon will be. (I can almost hear the bugle playing its mournful tune, can you?)

What about you? Are there any other schemas you've recognized in yourself that you can improve upon, and maybe even acknowledge that they are no longer negatively impacting your life? Tell me in the comments section, please!

Day 2: What the hell is a schema?

What is a schema? Have you ever even heard of them?

A schema, or life trap, is an unconditional assumption about ourselves and others that develop in childhood and become self perpetuating over time and remain throughout our life. It affects our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and how we interact with others and the world. When these are triggered by an event, a situation, a memory, a person, a thought etc. we respond in ineffective and unhealthy ways. Schemas have a significant influence on how our identities are formed and are more resistant to change than even our 'core beliefs' are.

When I was inpatient, I had to take a test to determine what my top 3 schemas were. I had 6 that were very close in number, so I use my top 6. My top six schemas are

• Mistrust/Abuse
• Defectiveness/Shame
• Social Isolation/Alienation
• Self-Sacrifice
• Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness
• Insufficient Self-Control.Self-Discipline 

So what do these all mean, now that I've just thrown a bunch of random words at you?

Let's start with Mistrust/Abuse. This schema refers to the expectation that others will intentionally take advantage in some way. People with this schema expect others to hurt, cheat or put them down. They often think in terms of attacking first or getting revenge afterwards, In childhood, these people were often abused or treated unfairly by parents, siblings, or peers.

Defectiveness/shame refers to the belief that one is inherently flawed and that if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship, This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved.

Social Isolation/Alienation refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.

People with the Self-Sacrifice schema sacrifice their ow needs to the point of excess in order to help others. When these people pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people who self sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.

Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self esteem. Usually these people's parent were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.

The Insufficient Self Control/Self-Discipline refers to the inability to tolerate any frustration in reaching one's goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one's impulses or feelings. When lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior may rule your life. Parents who did not model self control, or who did not adequately discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults.

There are several other schemas, including:

• Negativity/Pessimism, 
• Punitiveness, 
• Entitlement/Grandiosity, 
• Approval Seeking/Recognition-Seeking, 
• Emotional Inhibition, 
• Subjugation, 
• Failure, 
• Enmeshment/ Undeveloped Self, 
• Vulnerability to Harm and Illness, 
• Dependence/Incompetence, 
• Abandonment/Instability, and 
• Emotional Deprivation.

So now what? I've told you what my deepest, most secret issues are, and even explained them a bit. Now we're going to delve in them more as this week goes on. I plan on taking each one of the six, and going into deeper detail  for every day this week. This has been a therapy assignment that my therapist has been ragging on me to do, so I'm killing two birds with one stone here. If there is interest, as my final piece in schemas, I'll do a post about those other schemas that don't affect me.

I hope I've not bored you too much through this post, but I'm excited to delve deeper into the various sschemas I have here, and I hope you'll join me as I do a little self therapy :)

Based on these definitions I've provided, and the titles of the other schemas, do you have any guess on what yours may be? Let me know in the comments below!