Day 4: Keeping Secrets is Poison...

Dealing With The Mistrust/Abuse Schema

Yesterday I gave a brief overview of what schemas are and what mine in particular are. Today I'm going to work on a therapy assignment and fulfill my daily blog challenge by delving into the mistrust/abuse schema and trying to figure out why I have it and how it affects me. Remember that schemas are an extremely stable, enduring negative pattern that develops during childhood or adolescence and is elaborated throughout an individuals life. We view the world through our schemas.

So just as a refresher, the mistrust/abuse schema refers to the expectation that others will intentionally take advantage in some way. People with this schema expect others to hurt, cheat or put them down. They often think in terms of attacking first or getting revenge afterwards, In childhood, these people were often abused or treated unfairly by parents, siblings, or peers.

So what happened to me as a kid to cause me to have this as my main schema? When I think of my childhood, I only remember bits and pieces. I've managed to block a lot of it out for some reason. I remember a lot of unpleasant parts, but there are some good memories mixed in as well. So although I remember waking up at nights to hearing my parents screaming at each other, I also remember going to the beach and spending weeks there. And although I remember the abuse that I suffered at the hands of multiple people, I remember the time my dad took me to Burger King so I could get a Nightmare Before Christmas watch, which I wanted so much. I remember the unpleasant parts so much more vividly though. Thanks to therapy, I've come to terms with much of the abuse I dealt with, but there are still so many other instances that are still suppressed and only come up as flashbacks. It's like I've forgotten more about being a victim than the average person will ever know.

How is realizing this stuff helpful for me? Acknowledging that my perception of the world may be skewed because of everything that has happened to me has been very valuable. It's made me stop and think when my paranoia gets the better of me. It's made me stop and not juudge people in such a negative light. It's been a long painful process coming to terms with having been an innocent child who was preyed upon, but being able to comes to terms with it has helped me become more whole. It's not been fun working through this, for example, my therapist encouraged me to journal, and I would get so upset as I was writing that I would down a week's worth of pills to stop feeling all the emotional turmoil. Since my emotions were so unsteady, we eventually stopped trying to work through all the abuse that way and put it on the back burner for the time being. We've worked on coping skills, and contemplating the thought that I might be wrong about how I perceive the world. It's been a few months, and I think I'm ready to deal with this schema without resorting to overdosing to cope with the emotions it brings up.

I mean it's been super unpleasant typing all this out and I haven't even gone into any detail about what's happened to me, but I feel better for getting it out in the open. I'm sick of secrets, and of things being swept under the rug, and I refuse to be ashamed of the fact that I was once a victim of abuse. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to get a shirt that says 'Abuse Survivor", but I'm not hiding it from people anymore. I worked on an assignment in the hospital and the one thing that stuck with me the most was the statement that "You are okay when you can look someone in the eye and say 'And I'm okay.'." 

And I think I'm finally to that point. I don't feel that deep sense of shame in my stomach anymore. I don't feel like I need to keep my eyes cast down anymore as I talk about this. One thing that has helped me through this schema has been my children. I look at their sweet innocent faces and try to imagine any circumstance where abusing them is okay. And there is none. It is in no way my kids' fault if something happens to them because they are powerless at their ages. I was once that powerless too, even though it's taken me years to admit it. I couldn't control the events surrounding me as a child any more than my children can control what we adults in their lives do to them now. 

So that's it. I'm not keeping secrets anymore. I sincerely hope that getting this all out in the open is truly the healing balm that I need to become closer to being a whole person again.

Day 2: What the hell is a schema?

What is a schema? Have you ever even heard of them?

A schema, or life trap, is an unconditional assumption about ourselves and others that develop in childhood and become self perpetuating over time and remain throughout our life. It affects our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and how we interact with others and the world. When these are triggered by an event, a situation, a memory, a person, a thought etc. we respond in ineffective and unhealthy ways. Schemas have a significant influence on how our identities are formed and are more resistant to change than even our 'core beliefs' are.

When I was inpatient, I had to take a test to determine what my top 3 schemas were. I had 6 that were very close in number, so I use my top 6. My top six schemas are

• Mistrust/Abuse
• Defectiveness/Shame
• Social Isolation/Alienation
• Self-Sacrifice
• Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness
• Insufficient Self-Control.Self-Discipline 

So what do these all mean, now that I've just thrown a bunch of random words at you?

Let's start with Mistrust/Abuse. This schema refers to the expectation that others will intentionally take advantage in some way. People with this schema expect others to hurt, cheat or put them down. They often think in terms of attacking first or getting revenge afterwards, In childhood, these people were often abused or treated unfairly by parents, siblings, or peers.

Defectiveness/shame refers to the belief that one is inherently flawed and that if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship, This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved.

Social Isolation/Alienation refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.

People with the Self-Sacrifice schema sacrifice their ow needs to the point of excess in order to help others. When these people pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people who self sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.

Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self esteem. Usually these people's parent were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.

The Insufficient Self Control/Self-Discipline refers to the inability to tolerate any frustration in reaching one's goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one's impulses or feelings. When lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior may rule your life. Parents who did not model self control, or who did not adequately discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults.

There are several other schemas, including:

• Negativity/Pessimism, 
• Punitiveness, 
• Entitlement/Grandiosity, 
• Approval Seeking/Recognition-Seeking, 
• Emotional Inhibition, 
• Subjugation, 
• Failure, 
• Enmeshment/ Undeveloped Self, 
• Vulnerability to Harm and Illness, 
• Dependence/Incompetence, 
• Abandonment/Instability, and 
• Emotional Deprivation.

So now what? I've told you what my deepest, most secret issues are, and even explained them a bit. Now we're going to delve in them more as this week goes on. I plan on taking each one of the six, and going into deeper detail  for every day this week. This has been a therapy assignment that my therapist has been ragging on me to do, so I'm killing two birds with one stone here. If there is interest, as my final piece in schemas, I'll do a post about those other schemas that don't affect me.

I hope I've not bored you too much through this post, but I'm excited to delve deeper into the various sschemas I have here, and I hope you'll join me as I do a little self therapy :)

Based on these definitions I've provided, and the titles of the other schemas, do you have any guess on what yours may be? Let me know in the comments below!