Sorting through my feelings

I'm a bit down tonight, and haven't quite figured out why. Things at home are going well, the kids are healthy, the husband is healthy, and I'm stable. My blog and facebook page are exceeding my wildest dreams for interest and participation from people. And maybe that's what is tripping me up. I am terrified of failure, it's why I so rarely step out of my comfort zone and try new things...but I'm petrified of success as well, and if I manage to create a successful blog, then wow!, that would mean I can do things and be successful, and trying to believe that would be a huge paradigm shift for me.

How do I overcome these feelings of inadequacy? It's something I'm working on in therapy, but right now it's got me tripped up. I'm looking at my blog and thinking to myself, "This doesn't matter in the least to anyone, I'm not helping change the world view with my little blog." Hell, I'm not even on the radar for changing the world view and helping decrease the stigma of bipolar disorder. But, and this is what my therapist keeps challenging me with...what if I'm wrong? What if there are actually people reading this and coming away feeling more hope, more power, or more edified? If you are one of those people, please...at least acknowledge it somewhere on my blog, lol. Rate a reaction, leave a comment, even become a subscriber because if I've impacted you, I'd love to know it.

Speaking of people who impact our lives, I think what's got me down today is one of my best friends lost her daughter earlier this week. I'm just devastated over the pain my friend is going through and the fact that I can't take it away. And she's so intricately tied to my advocacy role for mental illness, because this is the friend that pushed and finally convinced me that what I had to say WAS important, and that my story could help somebody, somewhere. She said I had the power in me to not only write a great book, but to become a public speaker for the mentally ill, that I could proudly be a face for bipolar disorder. She inspired me so much that I started going to the NAMI groups, joined the NAMI board in my county, and I started taking classes to become a certified NAMI instructor.

She did so much for me in just that year's time (we're both so busy, we only manage to get together a couple times a year), and now when she needs help the most, I cant give it to her. I hate feeling so impotent and weak when there should be *something* I can do. I feel trapped and helpless watching her go through this loss.

If you've stuck around to this point and are of a prayerful sort, send out a prayer to my dear friend Tomi, that she may be comforted during this time of trial in her life, and I think you'll be blessed for it.

I know this is my most rambling post yet, but I had some emotions I needed to sort through, and I want to share what I go through with the world so you too can see what the inner working of a bipolar patient's mind looks like at times. Hopefully you weren't bored to tears by this post, and hopefully I'll be over this writer's block soon and can start adding interesting posts again soon!

There are other, bigger blogs out there

And I'm okay with that.

I hope you are enjoying my ramblings as much as I'm enjoying sharing them. I have been researching how to keep my blog interesting enough that people keep coming back to it, and I discovered that 'Wow! I'm not the first person to write about being bipolar!' I came across some other really good blogs that I want to share with you guys, so that way if you're hungry for more reading, it's here.

This first one is from bipolar veteran John McManamy, who is the dean of bipolar bloggers. A mental-health journalist who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1999, at the age of 49, McManamy has maintained an encyclopedic website, McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web, for nearly a decade. He writes about everything from treatment options to research news. He also has his own blog  Knowledge Is Necessity, which provides a steady stream of funny and informative writing—and videos!—on mental health.

The second one of note is Amy, a 34-year-old mother of four who lives in Tennessee, who blogs at All About Bipolar under the handle “atorturedsoul".

The next is Liz Spikol, who is the executive editor of an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia. She also happens to have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. Her addictive blog, The Trouble With Spikol, grew out of an award-winning column of the same name that she writes for the Philadelphia Weekly.

And last, but certainly not least, is the entertaining online diary of a bipolar woman in England, who writes The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. She is officially diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar I disorder and writes about her ups and downs in a lively, no-holds-barred style that will have you clicking the bookmark button for sure.

I know I'm super new on to the scene of things, but I hope to one day be as recognizable as these blogs are because although I'm writing for myself, I still have a strong desire to spread a message for the world too. I have no grand delusions of grandeur, lol, but I've always wanted to write, and to the biggest an audience I can reach. I know I can learn from these bloggers and gain more knowledge and expertise to help my own blog.

I'm sharing them with you so you have more resources than what my lonely little blog provides at the moment. Give me a few months, and watch my blog come alive with information, stories, and resources, just like the ones above have :)

Happy reading!