DAY 10: A song that touches my soul

I'm still avoiding writing about my last two schemas. I wonder if there's a subconscious reason for that or not. Hmm. Maybe I'll delve deeper into that in a later post. Music has been on my mind a lot today, so I'm going with this post instead of my usual schema post. I hope you get some illumination out of this :)

I'm in a lot of bipolar support groups, and one of the common themes surrounding nearly everyone is the love of music. Music seems to bring a voice to our innermost feelings in the way mere words never could. I know there are songs that I cling to when I'm in the pits of despair, and there are songs that describe my mania with perfect ease, which I couldn't do even if you gave me a thousand sheets of paper to write on. I want to share a favorite song with you today and would love to hear back from you what yours is as well. What do you listen to when you're down? When you're up?

This song by Johnny Cash speaks volumes to me. I know he is talking about how drug addiction has ruined his life, but it ties in so well to how I've ruined my life thanks to mental illness. The lyrics are powerful and hit me hard every time I hear this song....I'm going to break this song down line by line and see if I can show you the raw emotion that I feel from this song. I hope my ramblings on this matter don't bore you too much.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

I've done this before, too many times to count. I used to be a cutter because I'd feel so numb. I'd cut just to feel alive again. Now I turn to other methods to not feel because I'm scared of my emotions and I just want to shut down. I've never done hard drugs but I relate oh too well to wanting to kill the pain away but still remembering everything anyway.

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

The chorus is especially haunting for me because I don't know what I've become or how I got here, and I've lost so many people along the way. I think of those closest to me, and they could have everything I have, which is still nothing. I'm so scared of finding new friends and meeting new people because everyone I've known I've let down and I've hurt so many people. I've burned so many bridges I'm surprised I don't live on an island with no way off.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

I suffer in silence these pains that I bear. I'm a manipulative liar without even meaning to be, everything I do or say is twisted around by others, or misinterpreted in ways I never expected, and it hurts to be viewed as such.  And it seems there's nothing I can do about it. If I try to defend myself, it gets thrown in my face that I'm bipolar, therefore, I'm not to be trusted...A popular saying amongst us beepers is that 'I'm full of broken thoughts that I can not repair", I'm prone to saying it myself because I feel so broken and lost so frequently. These thoughts I have, they can't be repaired, I can't fix anything there. I'm still here, lost, broken, alone, and you are not the person I thought you were.

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I tear up here because if only I could do things differently, if I could just change the past, I would not have done the things I did, I would find a way to make things right. I would find a way, just like the lyrics say, I wouldn't make you hurt, I wouldn't make me hurt, I wouldn't let you down, I wouldn't lost that job, or say those things, or take those pills. I'd make it right, I'd make it right. My family wouldn't suffer, or have ever suffered because of me, I'd still have the friends I had, I wouldn't be so damn afraid of myself all the time. I would find a way.

Maybe this was a pointless post, how can I expect to touch someone with an emotion that I feel? How can I make you see that this is me, trapped in music's form? It's impossible. I almost want to delete this post and not share it because I don't think anyone will understand, but that's not my way. I want my innermost thoughts laid bare one day when I write my book, I should not be ashamed to share my innermost thoughts here either. So read away, and laugh if you want, or not. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Do you have music that moves you, that describes parts of you perfectly? I want to know what they are!

Who am I? Why did I ever give me up?

Why don't I know who I am anymore? Why can't I relate to people like I once could? Is it because I'm married? Is it because I'm old? What is it? Why do I have the hardest time making friends? I didn't used to be like this. I used to be the life of the party. I used to have opinions I used to feel like I matter. I know WHAT I am...I'm a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a blogger, a photographer, a mad genius, a reader, a thinker, a plotter, a mastermind of ideas...but WHO am I? When I was in the hospital we were given the assignment to discover who we are. We were told to start by defining our core values and morals, likes and dislikes, etc., etc., etc. I did that. But I still feel the same. The me I am now is not the me I was 7 years ago, and I miss parts of that me. The parts that had the confidence to get whatever she wanted, the intelligence to put plans together, the social butterfly effect, all of that. I could do away with...have done away with the unmedicated me, the me who partied until 6 AM, slept a few hours, went to school, work, and then partied all night again. But that's when I felt the happiest.

And now, I don't. I don't think I can make a difference, I don't feel like my small contribution to society does anything, I'll never do anything bigger than being a housewife and raising my kids. Those are important things, in the long run, but I'll never be remembered for much. And doesn't everyone? Doesn't everyone somewhere deep down in them want to write the next Great American Novel, or be the next Beethoven, or the next Picasso, Van Gogh, or Michelangelo?

Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. I wasn't tied down back then by so many stresses and responsibilities, and I loved living that way. Maybe I didn't get it all out of my system before settling down and having more kids and a husband and all that jazz. I say that only halfheartedly though, I look at my oldest standing here talking to me and realize I wouldn't trade my children for all the adventures in the world. I love my husband and the life we have together. Things are hard at times, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

But is it wrong to want greatness? I used to think I had greatness in me. That there was nothing I couldn't achieve, if only I put my mind to it. And I achieved miraculous things. I overcame insurmountable odds that even Ludo Bagman wouldn't have bet on (who get's that reference?) Now, that's gone. I have no faith in my abilities, no thoughts that I can achieve great things, no hope that my plans will work out. And so I doom myself to failure. Back when I thought I could achieve anything, I did, even when it didn't seem like it at the time, and now when I feel like I can achieve nothing, I do it in spades. So maybe I can do whatever I set my mind to, whether it be greatness or defeat. Now the tricky part is this...how do I convince my mind to think great thoughts again? How can I appreciate the madness in me, the genius that is truly there? How can I reach my amazingly creative heights again?

Where did I give up at?

Deep down in me I'd love to write the next book to be featured by Oprah or something, but that might never happen. So I'd settle for the ability to socialize and have a good circle of friends. Hell, I'd settle for the ability to be able to keep my house clean on a consistent basis. To write a book, you have to know how to start it...and I can't figure out the start of my story for the life of me.

A million fragmented thoughts, they all come at me at once. I hear this thought, think it's good, then lose it. I hear another, mean to copy it down, but it escapes me. I should be working on my therapy assignment, but instead I'm blogging. Maybe in a way I am working on my assignment though. Maybe, in a way, I'm working on my book as well. I write knowing I intend to use this in my book one day, but I also write as an outlet for my thoughts.

So back to my question...where did I give up? I sometimes think it was way back when I first met my husband. I remember one of the very first times I met him, he had me so intimidated, that I let him be in control of a situation that I should have controlled. I wonder if that subconsciously set the tone for the rest of our relationship. I think I sometimes blame my husband for beating it out of me. I was so confident in my abilities until I met him. He was so confident as well that he overshadowed me. And I let him overshadow me so long that I began to forget who I really was. He would be cruel and say hurtful things, and I allowed it to happen, I never stood up for myself, and that's the person I became. It got even harder when he became the breadwinner and we decided I would stay home. I felt even more diminished as a contributing member of society because I was no longer in the workforce. This is harsh stuff to admit, but it's true. I can see that now.

So now that I can see where I gave up and let the me I loved slip away, how do I get her back? It's not by divorcing my hubby, for any of you reading and thinking that, no that's not where I'm headed. Yes I made mistakes when we were first together, and so did he, but here we are 6 years later and I love the man he is now. You're right, I should never have lost me in the first place, but it's no good pointing fingers and blaming now, it's time to pick up the pieces and glue me back together. Or maybe there is no gluing me back together. I've never imagined myself as a Humpty Dumpty, I've always seen myself more as the Cheshire Cat, able to disappear and reappear at will, and the one to ask the important questions, the ones that seem to be nonsense but aren't. I also see myself as fragments, a tortured soul who is only wisps of pale purple smoke. When I'm at my worst, that's all I am. At my best, I'm the Chessy Cat, mischievous grin and all.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like progress has been made. I've discovered something about me tonight, and it makes me feel really good. Now to start becoming the me I love again. I'll  keep you posted on how it goes!

As always, the best parts of blogs are reader comments, so tell me your thoughts below. What have you done in the past that you'd like to change, if anything? How do you stay true to yourself?