DAY 10: A song that touches my soul

I'm still avoiding writing about my last two schemas. I wonder if there's a subconscious reason for that or not. Hmm. Maybe I'll delve deeper into that in a later post. Music has been on my mind a lot today, so I'm going with this post instead of my usual schema post. I hope you get some illumination out of this :)

I'm in a lot of bipolar support groups, and one of the common themes surrounding nearly everyone is the love of music. Music seems to bring a voice to our innermost feelings in the way mere words never could. I know there are songs that I cling to when I'm in the pits of despair, and there are songs that describe my mania with perfect ease, which I couldn't do even if you gave me a thousand sheets of paper to write on. I want to share a favorite song with you today and would love to hear back from you what yours is as well. What do you listen to when you're down? When you're up?

This song by Johnny Cash speaks volumes to me. I know he is talking about how drug addiction has ruined his life, but it ties in so well to how I've ruined my life thanks to mental illness. The lyrics are powerful and hit me hard every time I hear this song....I'm going to break this song down line by line and see if I can show you the raw emotion that I feel from this song. I hope my ramblings on this matter don't bore you too much.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

I've done this before, too many times to count. I used to be a cutter because I'd feel so numb. I'd cut just to feel alive again. Now I turn to other methods to not feel because I'm scared of my emotions and I just want to shut down. I've never done hard drugs but I relate oh too well to wanting to kill the pain away but still remembering everything anyway.

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

The chorus is especially haunting for me because I don't know what I've become or how I got here, and I've lost so many people along the way. I think of those closest to me, and they could have everything I have, which is still nothing. I'm so scared of finding new friends and meeting new people because everyone I've known I've let down and I've hurt so many people. I've burned so many bridges I'm surprised I don't live on an island with no way off.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

I suffer in silence these pains that I bear. I'm a manipulative liar without even meaning to be, everything I do or say is twisted around by others, or misinterpreted in ways I never expected, and it hurts to be viewed as such.  And it seems there's nothing I can do about it. If I try to defend myself, it gets thrown in my face that I'm bipolar, therefore, I'm not to be trusted...A popular saying amongst us beepers is that 'I'm full of broken thoughts that I can not repair", I'm prone to saying it myself because I feel so broken and lost so frequently. These thoughts I have, they can't be repaired, I can't fix anything there. I'm still here, lost, broken, alone, and you are not the person I thought you were.

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I tear up here because if only I could do things differently, if I could just change the past, I would not have done the things I did, I would find a way to make things right. I would find a way, just like the lyrics say, I wouldn't make you hurt, I wouldn't make me hurt, I wouldn't let you down, I wouldn't lost that job, or say those things, or take those pills. I'd make it right, I'd make it right. My family wouldn't suffer, or have ever suffered because of me, I'd still have the friends I had, I wouldn't be so damn afraid of myself all the time. I would find a way.

Maybe this was a pointless post, how can I expect to touch someone with an emotion that I feel? How can I make you see that this is me, trapped in music's form? It's impossible. I almost want to delete this post and not share it because I don't think anyone will understand, but that's not my way. I want my innermost thoughts laid bare one day when I write my book, I should not be ashamed to share my innermost thoughts here either. So read away, and laugh if you want, or not. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Do you have music that moves you, that describes parts of you perfectly? I want to know what they are!