Day 8: Why are you putting yourself in last place?

Who can guess what a person with this schema does? If you said 'played the martyr!' you'd have it right. People with this schema sacrifice their own needs to the point of excess in order to help others. When these people pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people who self sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.

This schema definitely hits a chord with me, I distinctly remember there being times when I was growing up that my dad expected me to care for him. He had open heart surgery when I was 13 and left me in charge. On my own and no instructions for the nurse to help me manage his care. I had my brother there of course, but he was 11, and he couldn't  seeing Daddy so sick. I always had to worry about him and his needs, in addition to the needs of the house. I couldn't do it, I wasn't perfect enough. I fled to my mum's house shortly after I turned 14, to a situation that wasn't much better. 

Instead of having a daddy to take care of, I suddenly had 3 new step siblings and a step dad, and I became mum's confidante. Looking back, both of them forced me to grow up, I wonder which would have done me the greater good ultimately? At least if I'd stayed in NC I'd have learned how to cook and clean, skills which I definitely need now, but what kind of childhood is that? Growing up here I was the red-headed step child, but it meant some kind of 'typical' childhood. 

I made my bed, I stayed here and I had to lie in it.

 I got pregnant at 17 and received enormous pressure to give her up for adoption, but I was keeping my child, come hell or high water. Here is where the mistakes of the fathers become the mistakes of the children and it's painful to watch, I screwed my kid up. In so many ways. Ways my mother did that I swore I would never repeat. This precious bundle of joy was my life, my soul, my very reason for being. I couldn't do enough for her because I felt no one had ever done enough for me, she would never suffer that same disappointment, But I had no real world experience for 'what is best for a child'. I consistently put her needs ahead of my own to the point where I ultimately had a breakdown and spent 6 weeks in the hospital. Having always been a single mum, and it just the two of us she had no routine, she had no bed time, and as she got older it became more and more manipulative my child was becoming, Thank goodness I met my husband and we had kids too because we were able to reverse a lot of the damage I'd done to Adia by the time she was 10, 

Now that I'm the mother, I still struggle in this schema bt making sure my children's needs are met long before I'll even contemplate meeting my own. I mean right now for example, I have a coupon for free glitter toes that I would love to redeem, and I'd love to get my hair done, but I'm not about the waste the money or time on making me look nice. My kids clothes come from Wal-Mart and the Mall, Mine come from Goodwill. It's lead to fights before because my husband isn't putting these restraints on my spending, I am. I'm too afraid to spend because what if someone else needs it more than I do and its gone?

This isn't really a schema I'm ready to fully deal with right now. I think I'll always have some self-sacrificing traits in me until the day I die. I think every mother does. But I'll leave you with this question, "If the airplane is going down, who's mask do you put on first; theirs or yours? Yours of course because you are of no good to them if you pass out and can't get your children's masks on. So try and keep your mask on.  If your mask is on, and you're breathing, everything else will naturally fall into place.  

Did I learn anything about myself completing this assignment? I think I did. I learned that I've got to keep my cup full before I can truly be there for someone else, even my children. Did you learn anything new today about yourself upon introspection?

Let me know in the comments below!

Day 2: What the hell is a schema?

What is a schema? Have you ever even heard of them?

A schema, or life trap, is an unconditional assumption about ourselves and others that develop in childhood and become self perpetuating over time and remain throughout our life. It affects our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and how we interact with others and the world. When these are triggered by an event, a situation, a memory, a person, a thought etc. we respond in ineffective and unhealthy ways. Schemas have a significant influence on how our identities are formed and are more resistant to change than even our 'core beliefs' are.

When I was inpatient, I had to take a test to determine what my top 3 schemas were. I had 6 that were very close in number, so I use my top 6. My top six schemas are

• Mistrust/Abuse
• Defectiveness/Shame
• Social Isolation/Alienation
• Self-Sacrifice
• Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness
• Insufficient Self-Control.Self-Discipline 

So what do these all mean, now that I've just thrown a bunch of random words at you?

Let's start with Mistrust/Abuse. This schema refers to the expectation that others will intentionally take advantage in some way. People with this schema expect others to hurt, cheat or put them down. They often think in terms of attacking first or getting revenge afterwards, In childhood, these people were often abused or treated unfairly by parents, siblings, or peers.

Defectiveness/shame refers to the belief that one is inherently flawed and that if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship, This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved.

Social Isolation/Alienation refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.

People with the Self-Sacrifice schema sacrifice their ow needs to the point of excess in order to help others. When these people pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people who self sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.

Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self esteem. Usually these people's parent were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.

The Insufficient Self Control/Self-Discipline refers to the inability to tolerate any frustration in reaching one's goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one's impulses or feelings. When lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior may rule your life. Parents who did not model self control, or who did not adequately discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults.

There are several other schemas, including:

• Negativity/Pessimism, 
• Punitiveness, 
• Entitlement/Grandiosity, 
• Approval Seeking/Recognition-Seeking, 
• Emotional Inhibition, 
• Subjugation, 
• Failure, 
• Enmeshment/ Undeveloped Self, 
• Vulnerability to Harm and Illness, 
• Dependence/Incompetence, 
• Abandonment/Instability, and 
• Emotional Deprivation.

So now what? I've told you what my deepest, most secret issues are, and even explained them a bit. Now we're going to delve in them more as this week goes on. I plan on taking each one of the six, and going into deeper detail  for every day this week. This has been a therapy assignment that my therapist has been ragging on me to do, so I'm killing two birds with one stone here. If there is interest, as my final piece in schemas, I'll do a post about those other schemas that don't affect me.

I hope I've not bored you too much through this post, but I'm excited to delve deeper into the various sschemas I have here, and I hope you'll join me as I do a little self therapy :)

Based on these definitions I've provided, and the titles of the other schemas, do you have any guess on what yours may be? Let me know in the comments below!