Music, how I love thee

So tonight's blog is a little different than what I normally post, it has absolutely nothing to do with being bipolar, unless you count loving music as a sign of bipolar disorder :) 

Ever since it first aired, I've loved the music video 'Tonight, Tonight' by the Smashing Pumpkins, and today, I stumbled across another gem of a music video, 'Little Talks' by Of Monsters and Men. The similarities between the two were crazy! I even had my daughter watch and she said she could see that they were similar, so I know I wasn't imagining it. 

I love the make up in both of them, and the..well actually pretty much everything I love. If you want to see some awesome music videos and appreciate some good music, feel free to click the videos below :) 

Watch and tell me what similarities you notice!

Day 27: How am I feeling?

I've seriously been neglecting my blog. 31 blogs in 31 days was a pretty epic fail. Maybe it's because I'm scared of success or of achieving anything, so I doom myself to failure, all the time. But that's another story, another time.

How am I feeling? Why is that such a hard question to answer? Can't normal people do a quick assessment and just know? Why don't I know? Why do I dig and dig and dig, but still aren't sure about my emotions? Why are they so stifled? I know I've written about this before, but it bears a repeat because it's actually really important to me. I want to feel.

I can feel negative emotions and recognize them fairly easily, but positive emotions are a lot harder to get to. I can't associate anything with them. I was talking to Josh today about how I had a lot less issues when we first got together, and he told me that wasn't true, I just wasn't as aware of them. I've never thought of it that way before. I know I'm a lot more reserved now, to the point of standoffishness, but I thought I was happy back then. Josh says it was a false happiness, more of a deluded happiness. It makes sense, in a way. And maybe what I'm going through now is normal. I mean, I was on a manic high for years, maybe I'm just going to be in a more depressed state for years too.

It's all so foggy though. Why is my life so hard to remember? Why are the memories so elusive, so dim? My short-term memory is pretty good, but long term...that's shot.

This is quickly turning into quite the confusing post, and just when I thought I had this writing thing down. Well, I can't help I'm in all sorts of a mixed emotional state tonight, lol. I'm pondering a lot of deep things, and they just trigger more questions than answers. Which I then type out as they come to mind. I'm slow going on the keyboard tonight, usually the words just flow naturally through my fingers, and I can type a post pretty quickly, but tonight I'm struggling for each sentence.

It could be exhaustion. I am pretty tired. We visited my sister-in-law last night, and didn't get home until around 2 AM. And then I couldn't get to sleep until around 4. I'm definitely going to bed much earlier tonight. Then maybe I'll be able to write more coherently tomorrow. Maybe sleeping will be easier now that I've vented about not feeling things normally again. It's been rough the last few nights, even with the Seroquel. Which I certainly didn't take last nite, I'd never have gotten up this morning otherwise.

So right now, I'm feeling tired. And spent. But not irritated. And not depressed. I had a pretty good day for the most part, I did some shopping, watched Dark Knight Rises, took the oldest to the park, and saw Iron Man 3, again. Robert Downey Jr. always cheers me up. Has anyone else ever wondered if he was possibly bipolar? Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but I'd love it if he were. At least, if he'd come out in the open with it and embrace it as part of himself. Or maybe it's just the characters he likes to play, who knows? I watch him act, and watch the characters he plays, and I always wonder. I mean, watch him in Sherlock Holmes, or in Iron Man, doesn't he seem to be running totally manic? I love his portrayal of the craziness we feel inside. At least he's not making people with mental illness look like gun slinging psychopaths. You know, like the news seems to want to portray us.  But I'm definitely digressing here.

I'm going back to how I'm feeling. I'm feeling good I think. I'll take that for the time being and just accept and embrace the positive emotion.

Day 24: Why me?

Do you even wonder that? Do you ever wonder "why me?". Why am I the one who has to go through this?

Have you ever wondered if there was a rhyme to to the reason, or a method to madness? I've never really felt that way about being bipolar. I've never been angry or bitter towards anyone about being bipolar. I've been angry and felt bitter about having it, but never towards anyone.

Can someone explain where the bitterness and negative feelings come from? Or the pity party when it comes to things like this?

I mean, I did use to live a very negative life and always wonder why I was being punished whenever something bad happened, but I've since come to realize that we humans are on this planet to learn through trials and tribulations, so occasionally (or more often) we are going to suffer.

Have you had an attitude adjustment about something in your life? Do you have something in your life that makes you truly wonder "Why me?'. Do you think it's an accurate question to ask, or that it's a valid concern to have? What is it that you wonder about? How do you counteract these feelings, if you do? Let me know in the comments!

Day 23: Seroquel, really?

I'm putting it out there. I hate Seroquel. I know it is an amazing drug and it does wonders for people, but I still hate it. Never mind the fact that it probably helped keep me out of the hospital back when I was pregnant with my last born, or that it's helped stabilize me where other drugs have failed. I still despise and detest it. Why such strong feelings you ask? Because it turns me into a zombie. And it makes me fat. I gain so much weight when I'm on it, it's as bad as Zyprexa.

So why am I bringing all this up now? It's probably because my doctor has put me BACK on Seroquel. I've really been struggling lately, (I'm sure you've noticed my lack of a blog a day like I was so vamped to do), and he feels that it's the best (read: last resort) option available.

I tried going back on it a few weeks ago, and gained 9 pounds in one week. Nine pounds! I quit it, and I've lost 6 of those pounds, but still. I've officially gotten super overweight again. It breaks my heart.

But I'm desperate. I've felt so down and bleak these last few weeks. And for no reason what so ever. Everything has gotten to me. Everything has set me on edge, everything pushes my buttons. I hate living that way, and I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like nothing matters, like I can't function, like I'm a failure, and like I'm not worth the effort.

So, I did the cost-benefit analysis of staying off the Seroquel versus going back on it. I weighed the pros of Seroquel; like feeling better in general, not feeling so down, (eventually) having more energy, and overall feeling more up. The cons include the weight gain, which leads to decreased self esteem, and the zombie like fatigue, which makes daily functioning impossible until it wears off, and the irritation I feel at being on a drug I simply do not like. After having weighed all these factors, I knew I needed to go back on the drug. It depresses me, but I've got to do what's best for me, even when what's best for me doesn't feel like the best thing.

What about you? Have you done something that you absolutely despise because you knew it would ultimately be good for you? How often do you do cost-benefit analysis on things in your life? Do you find these introspective moments helpful? Let me know in the comments what's worked for you, or what hasn't!

Day 21: Whenever you're feeling all alone, think of me...

Do you ever feel all alone with your bipolar disorder? That there is no one out there who could possibly understand the great heights we reach, just as we must hit the pits of despair as well.

I know everyone euffers bipolar disorder differently, but here are a few of my favorite people who I'm proud to stand and be counted with.
 Beethoven anyone? Demi Lovato, (possibly) Brittany Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Carrie Fisher, Sinead O'Connor, Vincent Van Gogh, Emily Dickinson, Virginia Woolf, Linda Hamilton, and Vivien Leigh. 

Best known of these is probably Carrie Fisher, she's certainly been one of the most outspoken actresses about her disorder. Here's a little bio on her:

Carrie Fisher, actress, 54, best known for her role as Princess Leia in theStar Wars trilogy, has experienced plenty of turbulence in her life—and not just aboard the Millennium Falcon. After years of struggling with mania and depression, Fisher was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was 28. 

Fisher told USA Today in 2002 that she now leads a normal life and her behavior is much more predictable, thanks to the lithium prescribed by her doctor. But it wasn’t always so easy. “I hacked off my hair, got a tattoo, and wanted to convert to Judaism," she said of her most recent manic episode.

Ah, the readers, the writers, the dreamers and me...here a few other bios just in case you needed more enlightenment on why you are amazing for just being you. Starting with a Emily Dickinson and ending with Vivien Leigh, just a few amazing people with bipolar disorder. I'll try to do another one of there as interest shows what's read and what's not :)

Emily Dickinson

This introverted poet’s work is often dark and gloomy. While it is impossible to know for sure if her mental illness would have been classified as bipolar disorder today, a 2001 study in theAmerican Journal of Psychiatry that examined cycles in Dickinson’s productivity suggests that may be the case.
Dickinson’s doctor diagnosed her with “nervous prostration,” which, according to the study’s author, psychiatrist John F. McDermott, MD, was “characterized by anxiety and depression.” In Dickinson’s time, physicians had not yet identified bipolar disorder as such, but, Dr. McDermott notes, Dickinson’s writing patterns are “not inconsistent” with the symptom profile of the disorder.

Linda Hamilton

Actress Linda Hamilton is best known for her role as Sarah Connor in Terminatorand Terminator 2: Judgment Day. She also starred in the TV series Beauty and the Beast. Despite her professional success, though, she was self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and her mood swings damaged two marriages. Hamilton struggled with symptoms of bipolar disorder for 20 years, a time she calls the lost years, before overcoming it. Though she initially worried that treatment would diminish her talents, she is now on medication and speaks openly about being bipolar. "Somebody needs to come out and make this okay for people to talk about and get help and take advantage of the resources," she told the Associated Press.

Virginia Woolf

The dark diaries and letters of Woolf, who suffered four major breakdowns before drowning herself at age 59, have convinced numerous scholars that the writer must have had manic-depressive illness. According to a 2004 article by psychologist Katherine Dalsimer, the “mood swings from severe depression to manic excitement and episodes of psychosis” that Woolf experienced would be diagnosed as bipolar today.

Vivien Leigh

Best known for her iconic Oscar-winning role as Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind, Vivien Leigh also captured the public's attention with her marriage to fellow actor Laurence Olivier. However, Leigh was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and her unpredictable behavioreventually ruined her professional reputation and destroyed her marriage to Olivier. "In her day there were no pills, there were no clinics, there were no publicists, there was nobody between Vivien and an outside world which she found chilly, hostile, and sometimes, because of her mental state, could not cope with," said her friend Sheridan Morley in a BBC documentary.

Feel better? Invincible? Unbreakable? Well you should be feeling that way. Look at what just a few of have done. This handful of names has changed histories! No other group of people with the common theme between them being their diagnosis has this. We are amazing. You. Are. Amazing.

Now go out there and change the world. I know I'm trying to.

Day 18: Thankful Thursday! (again, it happens every week :D)

We all know it's my favorite day...thankful Thursday!

So what am I thankful for today? Today I'm thankful for NAMI. What is NAMI you ask? That's a great question.

NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and the offer so many wonderful things. They offer support groups not only for individuals with mental disorders, but also for family members of those with mental illness. They also offer classes for both the mentally ill, and family members. In fact, I'm a certified BRIDGES instructor, meaning I can teach a class about mental illness to other people with mental illnesses. I teach about conflict resolution, medications, the types of mental disorders, being active in your treatment plan, how to explain things to your family, all sorts of fun stuff. There is another class for families, called Family to Family, that teaches family members about mental illnesses, what to look for, and how to support their loved ones with the disorder. There's even a class called Basics, which is for parents of teens and children who have a mental disorder. The support groups they have are wonderful, here in Utah, we have support groups that meet twice a month, as well as board meetings, and presenters once a month.

I love being involved with NAMI. The support I have received, and the friends I have made habe been such a blessing in my life. If you'd like to find your local NAMI chapter, here is the link for that. The actual NAMI website is here.

Please check them out, support their cause, and don't hesitate to ask questions.

Have you heard of NAMI? Did you know about all the amazing things they offer? Is there anything I didn't mention that I should have? Tell me in the comments below!

Day 15: Let it go already!

I'm finally dealing with it. My second to last schema. It;s been haunting me, and I've been avoiding it, but tonight I'm going to talk about the Unrelenting Standard/ Hypercriticalness schema. Remember, Unrelenting Standards or Hypercriticalness refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self esteem. Usually these people's parent were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.

Oh boy does this schema hit a chord with me. Maybe that's why I've struggled so hard to finally write about it and work through the issues surrounding it. I have exceptionally high standards for myself, and hold others to the same, which if they were actually able to meet, then it would mean the second Coming had occurred and we were all finally perfect. I'm so bad that I give myself a nervous breakdown over the state of the house. The laundry overwhelms me to the point of tears. The dishes overwhelm me into hysterics. My living room overwhelms me to where I'm hiding in my room under the covers crying. I can't start small, and so it is insurmountable. That's my black and white thinking problem., I can't even start to find a solution to a problem if I can't see an end to it at the end of the tunnel. It's taken months of therapy for me to slowly come to terms with the fact that this is not a black or white area of life. There is grey here. My house doesn't need to be absolutely spotless, but the cockroaches don't need to feel at home either..

And of course I'm my own worst critic. I've complained that I don't know enough people. I think if I could get a feel for what other people's houses looked like, I might be more okay with mine because I could gauge how close to the middle ground mine was. But since I have only Martha Stewart magazines and TV houses to go off of, I constantly think my house is falling entirely too short in how it should look. 

I could laugh this off as a horrid quirk of mine, but it extends to other aspects of my life as well that have more far reaching consequences. I have such high expectations for my children, and I don't know if they're reasonable (read: healthy) or not. My therapist has really worked with me on trying to see my children as they are, and not as mini adults, but it's taken a lot of time to even try to see some slight improvement in this area. Let's take my son for example. He's 3. And he makes Max from Where the Wild Things Are  look positively tame. I've been at my wits end more than a time or two because he just doesn't listen; He's run out in to a parking lot and roads more than once. He's gotten lost at the store more frequently than I'd like to admit. He's been disciplined so many times I'm ashamed to give a number there. I was convinced he's ADHD because of how wild he is, but I finally broke down and took a Positive Discipline class, which focuses on the Love and Logic curriculum, which other things added in. Between that class and therapy, our relationship has really started to improve.  Another thing I do to try and help my relationship with my son is to watch other mums who have sons that are my little boy's age. I watch what these boys do, how the parents react, and what they let go and what they don't. 

So that's just one example of where being hypercriticical is probably providing years of income for a therapist some years down the road from now. And then there's my oldest. She is the most amazing, sweetest, kindest, lovable, responsible, snarkiest, brattiest, empathetic, wondrous 12 year old you will ever meet. I read Laura Ingalls Wilder as a child, and again as a young adult and was very impressed by all that the Ingalls children did and were responsible for. I made the decision that my children were going to have real responsibilities and chores like that because I wanted them to grow up with a sense of pride, accomplishment, and lack of entitlement in their world. So my 12 year old is responsible for tending her younger siblings when need be, and has been responsible for them since she was 10, she is responsible for her own laundry, and she has the garbage and dishes are her two chores she does regularly, with mowing the lawn and other chores added in as needed. I hope I'm doing well by her and not creating a terrible monster who will need years of therapy by the time she's an adult.

So those are a few examples of how the unrelenting standards schema affects me. If you relate to it, what does it do to you? Do you see any of yourself in this schema? As usual, let me know in the comments! 

Day 14: What Are the Signs of Emotional Abuse?

This is a topic near and dear to my heart, and today I was struggling for a quick and easy blog topic, and Psych Central had an article about emotional abuse that was perfect. Yay!

Did you know emotional abuse is much more elusive than physical abuse and sexual abuse? That the people suffering from it may not even know that's what it is, and more surprisingly, the abusers may not even realize what they're doing is considered abuse! Although some people may not realize this, (I happen to know first hand), emotional abuse can be more detrimental to a person than even physical abuse because it alters how we feel about ourselves. It truly cripples us because we allow something untrue to define who we are and thus act according to that false assumption. 

How can you tell if you are a victim or perpetrator of emotional abuse? Here are several good questions you can ask yourself to see where you fall.

In the area of humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing do you:

 Do you get put down in front of others or made fun of?

Is sarcasm a way to put you down or degrade you?

When you try to stand up for yourself, do they say 'Oh I was just joking around.' or that 'you're just too sensitive'?

Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”

Are you regularly made to feel devalued by people ridiculing you, disregarding your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, or even your feelings?

Or how about in the area of domination, control, and shame, do you find that:

• Do you feel treated like a child?
• Are you constantly corrected or chastised because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
• Must you “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
• Who controls your spending; you or them?
• Are you treated as though you are inferior to them?
• Do they make you feel as though you're never right?
• Are you constantly reminded your shortcomings?
• What about minimizing your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
• Do you receive disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior from them?

What about accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings, are you the subject of any of these, or guilty of any?

• Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
• Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
• Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
• Do they have trouble apologizing?
• Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
• Do they call you names or label you?
• Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
• Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?

Or how about emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect?

• Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
• Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
• Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
• Do they not notice or care how you feel?
• Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?

And finally, what about codependence and enmeshment?

• Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
• Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
• Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
• Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

If you read this and answered yes to more than a few questions, you may have some very toxic people in your life. These people won't help elevate you to where you deserve to be in life, and you need to start taking steps to remove them from your life. If you asked these questions to yourself and found that you felt you were treating someone else this way, it's time to stop. Apologize to them ASAP, and start making the necessary changes to become a better person who people would want to have as a friend.

This struck a chord with me because I answered yes to more than a few of these questions when I thought about certain people in my life. I'm now at a cross point in my life where I have to decide whether I want to approach this subject with those people in my life, or just start letting them phase out of my life. I'm proud of myself for being able to take an honest look at my life and see where the toxicity is coming from, but seeing it is one thing, actually doing  something is totally different. Let's see how well my venture into improving this aspect of my life goes.

How about you? What happened when you read over these questions? Was there anyone in your life that you specifically thought of as you read through these? Did you feel that maybe you were guilty of some of these traits? As always, let me know in the comments below!

Day 13: So how do these schema things operate?

We've discussed all 18 schemas, well, all except two, which I promise I will eventually write about, but today I want to talk about the most important thing of all...once you know what your schemas are...how do you go about changing them?

First off, you need to know that there are two primary schema operations: schema healing, and schema perpetuation. I bet you can guess which one is the more valuable one, right? All thoughts, behaviors, and feelings may be seen as being part of one of these operations.

Schema perpetuation is the routine processes in which schemas function and perpetuate themselves. This is accomplished by cognitive distortions, self defeating patterns, and schema coping styles. Cognitive distortions are a central part of cognitive therapy and consist of negative interpretations and predictions of life events. The schema will highlight or exaggerate information that confirms the validity of that schema and will minimize of even deny information that contradicts it. Unhealthy behavior patterns will perpetuate the schemas existence. Just as an example, a person with the Mistrust/Abuse schema may seek out abusive relationships in adulthood and remain in them, providing constant evidence that this schema is true. I can attest to this, I seemed to subconsciously pick out douche-bag after douche-bag to date during my twenties. Even Josh wasn't the sweetheart he is now when we first met. I just thought I deserved to be treated with disrespect and no appreciation because I was a worthless person. Now that I've grown and worked through my insecurities, I can see that I deserve so much better, and I have higher standards for my relationships nowadays. This goes for all my relationships with people, seeing as I'm involved in only one romantic relationship, lol.

So, in order to fully understand how schemas work, we need to recognize that there are three schema coping styles that are out there. These styles are schema surrender, schema avoidance, and schema overcompensation. It is through these three styles that schemas exert their influence on our behavior and work to ensure their own survival. We'll go into deeper detail about these types of coping skills in future blog posts.

So now. Schema therapy. When treating people with schema therapy, one of the most important innovations is the concept of mode. I'll define a mode as the set of schemas or schema operations that are currently active for an individual Or you could think of it as simply a mindset or state that you might be temporarily in. I'm sure you can relate to the idea that we all have different parts of ourselves that we go in and out of all the time. Just as an example, if someone tells she is having a bad day because her toddler is in his raging bull mode, you'd probably know exactly what she meant.

The exact pattern of work with modes will vary from session to session in therapy. Nut some of the more common activities in mode work can be described. The history of the mode is often discussed; the person will speak about when the mode started and what was going on at the time. Connections are made between modes and current problems. Dialogues can be conducted between different modes when there is a conflict. Just as an example, a miser mode and a playboy mode might have it out over what type of car to buy. There is always an effort to link the mode work with other aspects of the therapy.

So what do you think of all this? Does it sound like it's just mumbo-jumbo new age hippy therapy, or does it have the ring of truth in it? Are you more or less interested in discovering what your modes are, and how you can work through them in therapy? Do you have family members or friends who you recognize some of these schemas in, and does it make you more or less empathetic towards them? Feel free to let me know below in the comments! Also, please, give me your opinion on this topic of how schemas work and how modes tie into schema therapy.

DAY 10: A song that touches my soul

I'm still avoiding writing about my last two schemas. I wonder if there's a subconscious reason for that or not. Hmm. Maybe I'll delve deeper into that in a later post. Music has been on my mind a lot today, so I'm going with this post instead of my usual schema post. I hope you get some illumination out of this :)

I'm in a lot of bipolar support groups, and one of the common themes surrounding nearly everyone is the love of music. Music seems to bring a voice to our innermost feelings in the way mere words never could. I know there are songs that I cling to when I'm in the pits of despair, and there are songs that describe my mania with perfect ease, which I couldn't do even if you gave me a thousand sheets of paper to write on. I want to share a favorite song with you today and would love to hear back from you what yours is as well. What do you listen to when you're down? When you're up?

This song by Johnny Cash speaks volumes to me. I know he is talking about how drug addiction has ruined his life, but it ties in so well to how I've ruined my life thanks to mental illness. The lyrics are powerful and hit me hard every time I hear this song....I'm going to break this song down line by line and see if I can show you the raw emotion that I feel from this song. I hope my ramblings on this matter don't bore you too much.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

I've done this before, too many times to count. I used to be a cutter because I'd feel so numb. I'd cut just to feel alive again. Now I turn to other methods to not feel because I'm scared of my emotions and I just want to shut down. I've never done hard drugs but I relate oh too well to wanting to kill the pain away but still remembering everything anyway.

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

The chorus is especially haunting for me because I don't know what I've become or how I got here, and I've lost so many people along the way. I think of those closest to me, and they could have everything I have, which is still nothing. I'm so scared of finding new friends and meeting new people because everyone I've known I've let down and I've hurt so many people. I've burned so many bridges I'm surprised I don't live on an island with no way off.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

I suffer in silence these pains that I bear. I'm a manipulative liar without even meaning to be, everything I do or say is twisted around by others, or misinterpreted in ways I never expected, and it hurts to be viewed as such.  And it seems there's nothing I can do about it. If I try to defend myself, it gets thrown in my face that I'm bipolar, therefore, I'm not to be trusted...A popular saying amongst us beepers is that 'I'm full of broken thoughts that I can not repair", I'm prone to saying it myself because I feel so broken and lost so frequently. These thoughts I have, they can't be repaired, I can't fix anything there. I'm still here, lost, broken, alone, and you are not the person I thought you were.

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I tear up here because if only I could do things differently, if I could just change the past, I would not have done the things I did, I would find a way to make things right. I would find a way, just like the lyrics say, I wouldn't make you hurt, I wouldn't make me hurt, I wouldn't let you down, I wouldn't lost that job, or say those things, or take those pills. I'd make it right, I'd make it right. My family wouldn't suffer, or have ever suffered because of me, I'd still have the friends I had, I wouldn't be so damn afraid of myself all the time. I would find a way.

Maybe this was a pointless post, how can I expect to touch someone with an emotion that I feel? How can I make you see that this is me, trapped in music's form? It's impossible. I almost want to delete this post and not share it because I don't think anyone will understand, but that's not my way. I want my innermost thoughts laid bare one day when I write my book, I should not be ashamed to share my innermost thoughts here either. So read away, and laugh if you want, or not. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Do you have music that moves you, that describes parts of you perfectly? I want to know what they are!

Day 9: Change can suck sometimes.

This writing thing is hard. I don't think I realized how hard it was coming up with something new every day until I started trying it. I'm glad I've got my schemas going on and can discuss those, but it's hard to keep writing when I really don't want to. Just a quick note here, I thought I could write about my 5th schema tonight, but it's just not happening. When I started I was in a great mood, and was motivated, and had energy, and life was amazing. And then I cycled.

I feel like crap, and I just want to curl up into a ball and not deal with anything. I've fallen into this deep pit of despair and see no way out, so I'm just struggling to stay afloat. This is the hell people with bipolar live with. I go to bed and have no clue what emotion I'll be dealing with when I wake up the next morning. I've been crushingly depressed the last 2 days, and for absolutely no good reason. I was happy as a clam for a good few weeks, there was no reason for things to change, but they did. All I can do is wait as patiently as possible for this dark cloud to lift and the sun to come out again. I get so sick of waiting patiently though. I get so sick of the sun going down so often and for no reason. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I don't see me living a long and fruitful life going up and down like this. I can't hack it. The people around me can't hack it. I mean, don't freak out, I'm not suicidal now, but that option sure looks more and more appealing the deeper I fall into this black hole. And its not even because I see no way out. I know this too shall pass, and I'll feel on top of the world again, but I don't know when. And even though I'll cycle back, I know I'll then start playing the waiting game again for the next time I crash. And I don't want to live like that. It's a bullshit way to live your life. It's a horrible life to let others into because it becomes their hell too.

I mean, in fact, life is going rather well. My husband got offered his new job, and he starts in 2 weeks, we bought a new car yesterday that is ten times nicer than any one we've ever owned before. We're paying an arm and a leg for it, but with Josh's new job, we can afford it. I want to refinance ASAP though, just so we're not continuing to pay an arm and a leg. I try to live as non-extravagantly as possible for some reason. We've been through two unemployment eras since this depression hit, and I like to keep our debt to income ratio as low as possible. You know, just in case. I think this preparing for the 'just in cases' in the worlds are wearing me out. It is physically and mentally exhausting trying to worry about every scenario that could go wrong, and yet I keep doing it. Josh is sitting over here happy as a lark about his new job, and our car, and the change that is happening all around us, and I'm lying in bed crying about nothing.

I think what is really eating at me is the change that's happening all around me. Even though it's good change, beepers don't do so well with change. I mean, our insurance is changing at the end of the month and we'll have copays again, and our prescription costs will be higher, and yeah. We met our out of pocket back in March, so we've been enjoying free healthcare since then. Starting in August we'll be paying for services again. I'm trying to think of what all I need to have done in the next 2 weeks before we roll over into a new insurance plan, lol.

And then there's the housing issue. I found a house. A glorious house. A gloriously perfect house. And it made me realize that we're not going to live here forever, and that's another change I'm not prepared to deal with. We didn't get the gloriously perfect house, someone else jumped on that offer before we could, but that's okay. God works on his own time, and when it's time for our gloriously perfect house to appear, it will. But I'm already overwhelmed and depressed about the thought of packing everything up, and going through the work  of moving into a new place, even though it's at least a year away before it happens. I am not being very mindful right now. Right now, mindfulness sucks, and is hard, and I don't even want to deal with trying to do it.

So that's been life the last few days. My mum is super worried about me, and Josh is super worried about me, and I just don't care. Right now I'm teetering on the edge of destruction, so it's a good thing I see my psych doctor tomorrow so I can talk to him and see what he recommends. We'll see if he thinks I'm dangerous enough to be admitted. I mean, idt I am, just because I'm not actively suicidal, but he's a new doctor, so I don't trust him too much just quite yet. And besides, I made a goal of 31 blogs in 31 days, and well, they don't allow electronics on the psych ward, I wouldn't be able to keep up if I missed a week of blogging. I'm giggling at the thought of trying to get my inpatient therapist to approve letting me have an hour a day to blog for 'therapeutic' reasons. I make myself laugh. I love it. Josh thinks it's cute how much I manage to amuse myself. I'm like a puppy chasing it's tail and being perfectly happy.

Speaking of puppies, I have to share with you the cutest story. My son is 3, and one of his favorite things to do when he's not being Batman is to be our puppy. He'll crawl around and bark, and come over and nuzzle our knee to get petted. If only he'd show some interest in potty training, he'd be the perfect pet. Well, our 18 month old has a speech delay due to mild hearing loss, so she doesn't talk or anything yet. She makes a lot of sounds, which is good, it means her hearing is probably either improving, or just staying mildly impaired. So, I guess needless to say, when she does something with sound or anything interacting with us, we get wildly excited. I tell you about my son's game of playing puppy so you'll understand this story with my daughter. She's been walking since the end of March, and doesn't generally crawl anywhere anymore. But for some reason the other day she started crawling around on the floor going 'ruff, ruff, ruff'! Believe me, it doesn't sound like that, but whenever we say it, she gets down and starts making the same sound. It is so freaking adorable. If I had it captured on video, I'd be linking it for your viewing pleasure.

I'm glad I made the decision to write tonight. I'm actually feeling a whole lot better now than I was when I first started. There's still so much more I could write about, like my disgusting house and how depressed I am about it, and how hard I am on myself for not being able to keep it clean, but that's related to my unrelenting standards schema, so I'll save it for when I finally write about that. I keep making the goal to get one room a day clean, and my poor mum, she was worried enough about me today, she came over and helped me achieve my goal of getting the kitchen done. Me, my oldest, and my mum all worked on it, and it's nice and sparkly now. With any luck, I'll have the urge to finish up my living room tomorrow, and then I'll have two nice and sparkly clean rooms. That will thrill me to no end.

What brings you up when you're down? How do you respond to change? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Day 12: What about those other schemas?

So I think I've given up writing about schemas for the time being. MY schemas anyway. I have two more I haven't talked about, and I don't think I'm ready to approach them just yet. I'll get there, but not tonight.

Tonight I'm going to talk about all the schemas I don't have, just for those of you who may relate to them.

These schemas include:

• Emotional Deprivation
• Abandonment/Instability
• Dependence/Incompetence
• Vulnerability to Harm and Illness
• Enmeshment/Undeveloped-Self
• Failure
• Subjugation
• Emotional Inhibition
• Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking
• Entitlement/Grandiosity
• Negativity/Pessimism
• Punitiveness

So what do all these mean? 

Emotional Deprivation  is the belief that one's primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs can be described in three categories: Nurture-or needs for affection, closeness, and love; Empathy-needs to be listened to and understood; Protection-needs for advice, guidance and direction. Generally parents are cold or removed and don't adequately care for the child in ways that would adequately meet the above needs.

Abandonment/Instability  refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will imminently end. As children, these people may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child's needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions on which the child was left alone of unattended to for extended periods.

Dependence/Incompetence refers to the belief that one is not capable of handling day-to-day responsibilities competently and independently. People with this schema often rely on others excessively for help in areas such as decision making and initiating new tasks. Generally, parents did not encourage these children to act independently and develop confidence in their ability to take care of themselves.

Vulnerability to Harm and Illness is the belief that one is always on the verge of experiencing a major catastrophe (financial, natural, medical,criminal, etc.). It may lead to taking excessive precautions to protect oneself. Usually there was an extremely fearful parent who passed on the idea that the world is a dangerous place.

Enmeshment/Undeveloped-Self is a pattern in which you experience too much emotional involvement with others-usually parents or romantic partners. It may also include the sense that one has too little individual identity or inner direction, causing a feeling of emptiness or of floundering. This schema is often brought on by parents who are so controlling, abusive, or overprotective that the child is discouraged from developing a separate sense of self.

Failure is the belief that one is incapable of performing as well as one's peers in areas such as career, school, or sports. These people may feel stupid, inept, or untalented. People with this schema often do not try to achieve because they believe that they will fail. This schema may develop if children are put down and treated as if they are a failure in school and other spheres of accomplishment. Usually the parents did not give enough support, discipline, and encouragement for the child to persist and succeed in areas of achievement, such as schoolwork or sports.

Subjugation refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these people fear that unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. People who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there generally was a very controlling parent.

Emotional Inhibition is the belief that you must suppress spontaneous emotions and impulses, especially anger, because any expression of feelings would harm others or lead to loss of self-esteem, embarrassment, retaliation or abandonment. You may lack spontaneity, or be viewed as uptight, This schema is often brought on by parents who discouraged the expression of feelings.

Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking is the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the approval and recognition of others at the expense of one's genuine needs and sense of self. It can also include excessive emphasis on status and appearance as a means of gaining recognition and approval. People with this schema are generally extremely sensitive to rejections by others and try hard to fit in. Usually they did not have their needs for unconditional love and acceptance met by their parents during their early years.

Entitlement/Grandiosity is the belief that you should be able to do, say, or have whatever you want immediately regardless of whether that hurts others or seems reasonable to them. You are not interested in what other people need, nor are you aware of the long term cost to you of alienating others. Parents who over-indulge their children and who do not set limits about what is socially appropriate may foster the development of this schema. Alternatively, some children develop this schema to compensate for feelings of emotional deprivation or defectiveness.

Negativity/Pessimism is a pervasive pattern of focusing on the negative aspects of life while minimizing the positive aspects. People with this schema are unable to enjoy things that are going well in their lives because they are so concerned with negative details or potential future problems. They worry about possible failures no matter how well things are going for them. Usually these people had a parent who worried excessively.

Punitiveness is the belief that people deserve to be harshly punished for making mistakes. People with this schema are critical and unforgiving of both themselves and others. They tend to be angry about imperfect behaviors much of the time. In childhood, these people usually had at least one parent who put too much emphasis on performance and had a punitive style of controlling behavior.

What is interesting to me is that as I was typing this out tonight, I realized that I have some of the traits of quite a few of these schemas as well. Emotional Inhibition is a big one I related to because I suppress my emotions so much because I'm afraid of the consequences of showing them. Hell, the last time I got really desperate and felt hopeless, it led to such intense feelings of anger that I ended up with 2 felony charges and 4 misdemeanor charges. They were all dismissed, thank God, but that was only because my attorney managed to get me a plea in abeyance. Can you blame me for being a little scared of letting my feelings out after that?

 Negativity/Pessimism is another one that I strongly related to. I struggle with seeing the bright side of things, even when there is no downside! I mean, take Josh getting this new job for example. There are so many positives that are coming along with this, yet I'm still petrified and worrying about all the completely hypothetical 'what-ifs'. I think this is also closely tied to the Vulnerability to Harm and Illness schema, because I constantly worry that we are on the verge of financial ruin, or that a natural disaster could strike us at any given moment.

The Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self schema was another one that I saw myself in. I've lost so much of who I used to be, it's like I'm an extension of Josh, which I don't want. Yes, I'm his better half, but even better halves need to be able to identify who they truly are. I've started doing that, if you recall one of my previous posts, I discuss who I am, and what I am, deep down inside. 

I also related to some the Dependence/Incompetence traits because when I'm cycling into a downward spiral, I truly can not handle the day-today responsibilities of normal life and do need help with many activities that are typically handled individually. 

And then there's Failure. Oh, Failure. I'm surprised this isn't actually one of my schemas to begin with. I feel so stupid and untalented all the time. I compare myself endlessly to others, even though I shouldn't. I'm petrified of failure, so much so that I avoid even trying. I'm working on overcoming this trait, slowly but surely. And I think I'm making progress too.

I also related to the Abandonment/Instability schema as well as the Emotional Deprivation schema. I am terrified of losing anyone I've formed an emotional attachment to, to the point that if I've befriended you, I will probably soon try and push you away because I know the relationship is going to end anyway, and I don't want to be hurt by you ending it first. This ties in to the Emotional Deprivation because I truly think that no one can ever meet my primary emotional needs. At least, I did feel this way at one point, but thanks to the unwavering support I've received from my husband, this thought process has changed.

I wonder if I were to retake the schema test, if I would have any of these schemas now, especially since I've spent so much time working through the schemas I actually do have, trying to resolve them. So what about you? Which of these schemas do you think fit you to a T? What do you think you could do to start changing these life traps that you're stuck in? Tell me in the comments below, I'd love to hear!

Day 11: Thankful Thursday!

It's my favorite blog day! Thankful Thursday! So what am I grateful for today? Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so let me show you!

Day 9: Just a little change brings a whole lotta consequences

This writing thing is hard. I don't think I realized how hard it was coming up with something new every day until I started trying it. I'm glad I've got my schemas going on and can discuss those, but it's hard to keep writing when I really don't want to. Just a quick note here, I thought I could write about my 5th schema tonight, but it's just not happening. When I started I was in a great mood, and was motivated, and had energy, and life was amazing. And then I cycled.

I feel like crap, and I just want to curl up into a ball and not deal with anything. I've fallen into this deep pit of despair and see no way out, so I'm just struggling to stay afloat. This is the hell people with bipolar live with. I go to bed and have no clue what emotion I'll be dealing with when I wake up the next morning. I've been crushingly depressed the last 2 days, and for absolutely no good reason. I was happy as a clam for a good few weeks, there was no reason for things to change, but they did. All I can do is wait as patiently as possible for this dark cloud to lift and the sun to come out again. I get so sick of waiting patiently though. I get so sick of the sun going down so often and for no reason. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I don't see me living a long and fruitful life going up and down like this. I can't hack it. The people around me can't hack it. I mean, don't freak out, I'm not suicidal now, but that option sure looks more and more appealing the deeper I fall into this black hole. And its not even because I see no way out. I know this too shall pass, and I'll feel on top of the world again, but I don't know when. And even though I'll cycle back, I know I'll then start playing the waiting game again for the next time I crash. And I don't want to live like that. It's a bullshit way to live your life. It's a horrible life to let others into because it becomes their hell too.

I mean, in fact, life is going rather well. My husband got offered his new job, and he starts in 2 weeks, we bought a new car yesterday that is ten times nicer than any one we've ever owned before. We're paying an arm and a leg for it, but with Josh's new job, we can afford it. I want to refinance ASAP though, just so we're not continuing to pay an arm and a leg. I try to live as non-extravagantly as possible for some reason. We've been through two unemployment eras since this depression hit, and I like to keep our debt to income ratio as low as possible. You know, just in case. I think this preparing for the 'just in cases' in the worlds are wearing me out. It is physically and mentally exhausting trying to worry about every scenario that could go wrong, and yet I keep doing it. Josh is sitting over here happy as a lark about his new job, and our car, and the change that is happening all around us, and I'm lying in bed crying about nothing.

I think what is really eating at me is the change that's happening all around me. Even though it's good change, beepers don't do so well with change. I mean, our insurance is changing at the end of the month and we'll have copays again, and our prescription costs will be higher, and yeah. We met our out of pocket back in March, so we've been enjoying free healthcare since then. Starting in August we'll be paying for services again. I'm trying to think of what all I need to have done in the next 2 weeks before we roll over into a new insurance plan, lol.

And then there's the housing issue. I found a house. A glorious house. A gloriously perfect house. And it made me realize that we're not going to live here forever, and that's another change I'm not prepared to deal with. We didn't get the gloriously perfect house, someone else jumped on that offer before we could, but that's okay. God works on his own time, and when it's time for our gloriously perfect house to appear, it will. But I'm already overwhelmed and depressed about the thought of packing everything up, and going through the work  of moving into a new place, even though it's at least a year away before it happens. I am not being very mindful right now. Right now, mindfulness sucks, and is hard, and I don't even want to deal with trying to do it.

So that's been life the last few days. My mum is super worried about me, and Josh is super worried about me, and I just don't care. Right now I'm teetering on the edge of destruction, so it's a good thing I see my psych doctor tomorrow so I can talk to him and see what he recommends. We'll see if he thinks I'm dangerous enough to be admitted. I mean, idt I am, just because I'm not actively suicidal, but he's a new doctor, so I don't trust him too much just quite yet. And besides, I made a goal of 31 blogs in 31 days, and well, they don't allow electronics on the psych ward, I wouldn't be able to keep up if I missed a week of blogging. I'm giggling at the thought of trying to get my inpatient therapist to approve letting me have an hour a day to blog for 'therapeutic' reasons. I make myself laugh. I love it. Josh thinks it's cute how much I manage to amuse myself. I'm like a puppy chasing it's tail and being perfectly happy.

Speaking of puppies, I have to share with you the cutest story. My son is 3, and one of his favorite things to do when he's not being Batman is to be our puppy. He'll crawl around and bark, and come over and nuzzle our knee to get petted. If only he'd show some interest in potty training, he'd be the perfect pet. Well, our 18 month old has a speech delay due to mild hearing loss, so she doesn't talk or anything yet. She makes a lot of sounds, which is good, it means her hearing is probably either improving, or just staying mildly impaired. So, I guess needless to say, when she does something with sound or anything interacting with us, we get wildly excited. I tell you about my son's game of playing puppy so you'll understand this story with my daughter. She's been walking since the end of March, and doesn't generally crawl anywhere anymore. But for some reason the other day she started crawling around on the floor going 'ruff, ruff, ruff'! Believe me, it doesn't sound like that, but whenever we say it, she gets down and starts making the same sound. It is so freaking adorable. If I had it captured on video, I'd be linking it for your viewing pleasure.

I'm glad I made the decision to write tonight. I'm actually feeling a whole lot better now than I was when I first started. There's still so much more I could write about, like my disgusting house and how depressed I am about it, and how hard I am on myself for not being able to keep it clean, but that's related to my unrelenting standards schema, so I'll save it for when I finally write about that. I keep making the goal to get one room a day clean, and my poor mum, she was worried enough about me today, she came over and helped me achieve my goal of getting the kitchen done. Me, my oldest, and my mum all worked on it, and it's nice and sparkly now. With any luck, I'll have the urge to finish up my living room tomorrow, and then I'll have two nice and sparkly clean rooms. That will thrill me to no end.

What brings you up when you're down? How do you respond to change? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Day 8: Why are you putting yourself in last place?

Who can guess what a person with this schema does? If you said 'played the martyr!' you'd have it right. People with this schema sacrifice their own needs to the point of excess in order to help others. When these people pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people who self sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.

This schema definitely hits a chord with me, I distinctly remember there being times when I was growing up that my dad expected me to care for him. He had open heart surgery when I was 13 and left me in charge. On my own and no instructions for the nurse to help me manage his care. I had my brother there of course, but he was 11, and he couldn't  seeing Daddy so sick. I always had to worry about him and his needs, in addition to the needs of the house. I couldn't do it, I wasn't perfect enough. I fled to my mum's house shortly after I turned 14, to a situation that wasn't much better. 

Instead of having a daddy to take care of, I suddenly had 3 new step siblings and a step dad, and I became mum's confidante. Looking back, both of them forced me to grow up, I wonder which would have done me the greater good ultimately? At least if I'd stayed in NC I'd have learned how to cook and clean, skills which I definitely need now, but what kind of childhood is that? Growing up here I was the red-headed step child, but it meant some kind of 'typical' childhood. 

I made my bed, I stayed here and I had to lie in it.

 I got pregnant at 17 and received enormous pressure to give her up for adoption, but I was keeping my child, come hell or high water. Here is where the mistakes of the fathers become the mistakes of the children and it's painful to watch, I screwed my kid up. In so many ways. Ways my mother did that I swore I would never repeat. This precious bundle of joy was my life, my soul, my very reason for being. I couldn't do enough for her because I felt no one had ever done enough for me, she would never suffer that same disappointment, But I had no real world experience for 'what is best for a child'. I consistently put her needs ahead of my own to the point where I ultimately had a breakdown and spent 6 weeks in the hospital. Having always been a single mum, and it just the two of us she had no routine, she had no bed time, and as she got older it became more and more manipulative my child was becoming, Thank goodness I met my husband and we had kids too because we were able to reverse a lot of the damage I'd done to Adia by the time she was 10, 

Now that I'm the mother, I still struggle in this schema bt making sure my children's needs are met long before I'll even contemplate meeting my own. I mean right now for example, I have a coupon for free glitter toes that I would love to redeem, and I'd love to get my hair done, but I'm not about the waste the money or time on making me look nice. My kids clothes come from Wal-Mart and the Mall, Mine come from Goodwill. It's lead to fights before because my husband isn't putting these restraints on my spending, I am. I'm too afraid to spend because what if someone else needs it more than I do and its gone?

This isn't really a schema I'm ready to fully deal with right now. I think I'll always have some self-sacrificing traits in me until the day I die. I think every mother does. But I'll leave you with this question, "If the airplane is going down, who's mask do you put on first; theirs or yours? Yours of course because you are of no good to them if you pass out and can't get your children's masks on. So try and keep your mask on.  If your mask is on, and you're breathing, everything else will naturally fall into place.  

Did I learn anything about myself completing this assignment? I think I did. I learned that I've got to keep my cup full before I can truly be there for someone else, even my children. Did you learn anything new today about yourself upon introspection?

Let me know in the comments below!

Day 7:If you want something done right...

Today I'm writing about the Social Isolation/Alienation Schema...If you remember, this schema refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.

This ties into my writing over the last few days, where I've mentioned how much I stuck out in school for being who I was. I've stuck out everywhere I can think of my entire life.I played baseball as a kid and stuck out there because not only was I terrible at it, but my brother was one of the star players. Oh, and I was the only girl on the team. I was deeply ashamed of the fact that I couldn't play, and that the entire team looked down upon me, but I didn't know what to do about it. I was maybe 10 when this was happening. That's just one example of how much I stuck out as a kid. I continued to stick out in school, not just for being smart, but because my clothes weren't 'the right style', and I didn't have the confidence to pull off what I was wearing. And as I've said earlier, sticking out in an inner city school was horrible.

So I think those events coupled with being ignored by the people who mattered most to me led to me feeling alone in the world, and that I was the only one who looked out for me. I've always been the one who's said if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself, and it's how I've lived my life to a point. In some cases it's just extreme  I mean, I do all the finances for the house, and don't let any one help with that, But in other matters I turn a mole hill into a mountain. I insist on taking the kids to the doctors because I worry something might be missed unless I was otherwise there to catch it. We've had a few scares the doctors before so I can try and recognize where that one is probably coming from as well.

I'm starting to think these schemas are all meshed together in some ways. Kind of like a Gordian  knot that is warped around itself, you'll never separate all the pieces. I still have't talked about my Self-Sacrifice schema, or insufficient self control or my unrelenting standards schemas. And those one are definitely affecting me in the here and now, whereas I think because of the progress I've made with my other 2 schemas, social isolation is one I can put on the back burner.

I'm learning to love me, a little  and I'm slowly reaching out of my comfort zone to show my friends the 'genuine' me, and they've seemed to like it so far.

So I'm going to call this a schema in passing. It's not dead to me yet, but if I keep up the hard work on my other schemas, it soon will be. (I can almost hear the bugle playing its mournful tune, can you?)

What about you? Are there any other schemas you've recognized in yourself that you can improve upon, and maybe even acknowledge that they are no longer negatively impacting your life? Tell me in the comments section, please!

Day 6: A not so ordinary day...no schema therapy today :):

I think writing all these posts are dragging me down because I've really been struggling to stay 'upbeat and positive' the last few days. I've been sleeping more, and dragging more, and had a lot less motivation to get things accomplished. Everyone has been complaining about it, my husband is upset at the state of the house, my mum thinks I'm spiraling into a depression, and I feel like the world is blah. I've got to keep plugging along though, if I can just pull through I think it will ultimately be beneficial.

So we've discussed my mistrust/abuse schema, and the defectiveness/shame schema. I feel like I've made excellent progress in understanding them and myself better, but today I'll work on another topic and ponder on the ways I can change how I view the world.

This has been a hard day for me to write and keep on going with the schema topic. I haven't mentioned this before because it hasn't come up, but my husband was told that he was losing his job 3 weeks ago. He had a year to find new employment or else he could relocate to Oregon and work there. Well, my husband didn't like those options, so he brushed off the dust on his resume, sent it out, had some interviews and just got offered a job today! We're so excited, but I'm petrified at the same time.

It's an awesome pay raise, which our family could use, seeing as we've been barely scraping by, but the thing that scares me the most is the insurance changes. You see, I'm quite involved with how our insurance works, due to my extensive health problems and such. We have excellent benefits, and thanks to my hospital stay back in March, we maxed out our of pocket out early in the year. So we paid nothing for doctor visits and don't (or didn't) have to pay anything until the end of the year. 

Now that Josh is changing jobs, I'm suddenly forced to make a command decision on which of the two insurance options I should go with, which is best for our family, and what is going to be most cost effective in the long run. It's a lot of pressure to be under, and I can't get any answers from BCBS until Monday when they are open again. So I get to spend all weekend stewing and worrying about stuff until I can get my questions answered.

The one thing I'd like to emphasize here has nothing to do with insurance, or pay raises, or any mundane things like that. I've been worried about the job thing for the last 3 weeks. I've spent a lot of time in prayer pondering this matter and praying for a miracle to happen. I never lost sight of the fact that God works on his own time, and I had to go about patiently doing my part while I waited for him to answer my prayer, but I still kept the faith that God had heard my pleadings and would ultimately open a door that led to what was best for us. And he did! 

I know from hard experience not all prayers are answered in 3 weeks, or answered so clearly, but this is such a blessing for our family.

It is creating some stresses for us because he will now be commuting to work whereas before he worked 3 minutes away. We only have one car that is fit for that kind of driving, but it is also the only car that will fit our entire family, so we'd be stranded at home all day if he were to take that car. We want to eventually move closer to his job and there is a house that is practically begging us to move into it, but our lease here isn't up until March. I would love to see if our landlords would let us break our lease, but we can't afford to lose our deposit. I know it wouldn't be difficult at all to find new tenants here, our neighbor just rented her house out and it took less than 2 weeks for her to find someone appropriate to move in. First world problems eh?

This wouldn't be a big deal if we didn't have 2 kids in grade school and our lease being up in the middle of the school year. The other thing that saddens me is the fact that I love our ward, I love our home (even if it is a bit cramped at the moment, lol), and I especially love the school the kids go to. I guess I need to spend more time on my knees to get help in working out this conundrum, eh? 

Not to be all preachy, but I know I'm nothing without the help of my Heavenly Father, and it helps keep humble...or at least I try to stay humble. I struggle at times, just like every other mortal, but miracles like these only increase my faith and help strengthen my testimony. I hope that this story can help you see the hand of God in all things, and be reminded that He loves you just as much as he loves my family, and He's there waiting for you to turn to Him when you need Him.

I've loved each and every one fo you who have taken the time to read my blog and especially those of you who have taken the time to comment. I know your lives get busy, so I especially appreciate you. What's going on in your life right now? Good or bad, I want to know. Let me be a listening ear in addition to just a mouth on the web.

Day 5: Why Do I Feel So Much Shame? How Am I Going To Change It?

Keeping in line with the theme of schemas, today's blog will be about the defectiveness/shame schema.

Just a quick reminder of the definition, this schema refers to the belief that one is inherently flawed and that if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship, This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved.

When I think back to my childhood, I don't know if my parents were super critical or not. I honestly can't remember. I remember them having high standards for me and expecting me to get A's in school, but I was in the the Gifted program as a child, so I think that might have been part of it. I know schoolwork came easily to me, so easily in fact that I was often bored during class. I was also bullied mercilessly for being smart and catching onto to things quicker than others, and for coming up with ideas that were most certainly outside of the box. When you're going to an inner city school, sticking out like that is bad. I can still remember how much it hurt to be made fun of for always raising my hand when I knew the answer because 9 times out of 10, I knew the answer, plus a bit of trivia to go along with it. I was just a kid, and very socially awkward. I didn't learn until years later that nobody likes a know-it-all and my wealth of knowledge was very much unwanted and undesired.

I think I acquired this schema over years of being bullied at school and no one doing anything about it. It probably also stems from the years of abuse I endured while many people (actually pretty much everyone) turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to my sufferings. I know that at a young age I started cutting because I couldn't handle all the emotions inside of me that I didn't understand. I never said anything to anyone about the cutting because I didn't think anyone would care, and I felt a deep sense of shame at the fact I was cutting. I knew I shouldn't do it for some reason, but I was still compelled to do it when I became overwhelmed, which was often.

I don't know when I started believing that people didn't care about me and that I was nothing, but I know it was pretty ingrained in my head by the time I was 13. I struggled even more as a teen, and things only got worse in my twenties. Now that I'm 30, things have reached a head, and I'm ready for some hope and change. REAL hope and change. Hope and change that I have control over.

I don't want to deal with these feelings of shame, rejection, inadequacy and failure anymore. I can look back and see where the thoughts might have started, but I'm ready to change them now. I feel ready to accept the things that happened to me, and acknowledge that they hurt and move on. I've got a long road ahead of me, but I think I'm ready to start letting people see the real me, and if they don't like what they see, well then they weren't worth the energy spent on them anyway.

Who am I though? I'm a snotty, sarcastic brat sometimes. I get my feelings easily hurt. I don't like being criticized, too much anyway. I don't like gossip or talking about people behind their backs, and I'm disinclined to befriend anyone who does that. I'm loyal to the people I care about. I'm a semi-devout Mormon. I love my religion but I struggle with the practicing it at all times, and in all things, and in all places. It's all a part of the learning to be a good Mormon thing though, and I don't stop working at it. I have to remember not one member is a perfect Mormon and it helps keep me calm-ish when I inevitably screw up, lol. I'll come out swinging if I feel my kids are being threatened or in danger. My daughter's school definitely knows who I am because I don't hesitate to talk to them if I perceive a problem. I'm officially a geek. My husband can be thanked for that. I quote Harry Potter like Scripture, am obsessed with Orson Scott Card's Ender Games series, and am impatiently awaiting Catching Fire being released. I love fighting for mental health rights, and am passionate about promoting anti-bulllying and suicide prevention programs for all the grade schools across Utah. I thoroughly enjoy my work with NAMI as well as the small part I play with the AFSP. I want to do more and am slowly building up to being more active in those organizations.

I think maybe I am starting to love me. Or at least like me a little bit. I mean, if I met someone who was just like the person I described me as, I'd at least like them. I might even adore them. So if I could adore a hypothetical person who is just like me, why can't I adore me? Why can't I be my biggest fan? I mean, no one else is going to be my constant cheerleader like I can be. My husband does his best, and my friends do their best, but they all fall short. I've got to cheer me on because only I know the best way to cheer for me.

And in all honesty, I haven't been a very easy person to befriend. I've perceived myself as socially awkward for so long that it's my defense mechanism I hide behind. I can't be sociable because no one will like me for who I really am. I'm always sticking my foot in my mouth so I should stay aloof and distant. My therapist says I hide behind my sarcasm, but I'm working on overcoming that. I've been 100% genuine in all of my conversations with commenters and in my blog posts.

I can't think so negatively anymore. One of the biggest things I have to do is practice forgiveness. I have to forgive myself for all the screw ups I've made, and let them go. God has forgiven me for my sins 'and remembers them no more', why can't I do the same? I've got to. I've also got to accept that it was...not...my...fault...for being abused as a child. I am slowly coming to terms with that and trying to accept that I was a helpless victim at the time. I pray that I'll be able to forgive myself because once I'm not holding myself to such impossible standards, maybe I'll truly love myself then.  I'll be able to see others as the beautifully imperfect people they are too, and enjoy having them in my life.

So, another introspective blog about where I am in this adventure called Life, and where I plan on heading next. I've made goals, now I have to follow through with them. Wish me luck, I think I'm going to need a healthy dose of that to become the person I dream of being. I hope you found my journey through this schema interesting and not a boring waste of time. If you've stuck with me this long, thanks for sticking it out with me.

So is there anything you discovered about yourself as you read this post? Do you have any goals you want to make, or any things you'd like to start changing about yourself? I still feel I'm a very flawed being, I know I've got lots of work to do to change that. How much work, if any, do you think you have to do on yourself?