Racing thoughts and stubborn ideas at 3 AM are never fun...some of the time.

I can't sleep for some odd reason. I woke up with the hug desire to watch Sarah Palin and Tina Fey on SNL. Also, I'm hungry. I've been searching for both episodes where Tina Fey did Sarah Palin, but I can only find the first one, and even THAT was a pain, lol. Now that I've gotten to watch it, maybe I can fix myself a sammich and get back to sleep...It's nigh on 4 AM here!

Sometimes the best finds are from complete mistakes

Remember that song I posted yesterday? I was originally searching for this song here...

I spent hours trying to figure out the right song and listening to tens of different songs. I finally found the right one, but I discovered that one as well.

I remember this one time in the hospital, I was desperately searching for a poem, and I could only remember the slightest part of it, and I had it mixed up with another poem to boot. The nurses didn't have the time to help me find the poem, but Josh spent a good 2 hours on the phone with me searching for the poem in my head.

It was Robert Frost all along, and I had thought that at first, but it never sounded right...until I heard the end, which is my favorite part.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

But I have promises to keep

And miles to go before I sleep

And miles to go before I sleep

Sometimes I wonder if Josh is really my soul mate. He knows me better then I know me. He knows how to pull me out of my funks usually. He knows when I'm out of control, or about to go out of control...even when I don't say a word. Is that enough for a soul mate? I don't know...maybe it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjgCOfrMNPE

I got half a mind to scream out loud...I got half a mind to die...

I hadn't heard that song in YEARS until today when I put in one of my super old CDs on during our ride to Fort Bridger, WY.

So how have things been?

Not so great, but I'm hanging in there, Slightly anyway. Josh said if going to Bridger didn't help perk me up, he was committing my dumb ass. Woohoo for loving husbands!

But for right now, I am actually feeling better. Two nights ago when I took a couple to many pills wasn't such a great moment, but hey, it's over and done with. I'm bipolar, I'm going to make my mistakes here and there, and although it's taken me a few days to start feeling normal, no harm, no foul with that.

I've discovered that more people I ever imagined are reading my blog and finding something from it. Josh read this book, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and I'm reading it too now and it talks about how you have to have a sense of purpose for your suffering, right? And if you can understand why you suffer, then you find meaning in life. And he says that I've taken my suffering from being bipolar and turned it into this blog, which gives me meaning and purpose for living. It doesn't seem very glamorous or life changing, my purpose just is to blog about the ups and downs of bipolar disorder, but maybe he's right. Maybe here in my small corner of the world, I am making a difference by writing about living with this. I may never be a famous, world renowned writer, bu I know people are reading what I have to say, and gaining something from it. I can survive on that for now.

Here's that song for anyone who's interested, btw :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekgb5oJSobU

How can you advocate when you want to be dead?

I've felt so sick today  and I hate my life because I've had zero energy to care after the kids or to even tend them really. And all I've wanted was to lay down and spend the day sleeping. I want to die. I wish I had the means because right now I feel so completely useless in this world of mine that I'd rather no longer be in it. I'm not making positive changes in anyone's lives, I'm more like a waste of space. My advocacy dreams keep ending up being just that,...dreams, Dealing with 4 kids and a busy husband, my volunteer efforts come last. And it sucks. I have nothing for me and it hurts in a way. I just want this hurting to stop.

Research Studies and Inadvertently Meeting a Favorite Author!

So I'm very interested in clinical trials.

I'm a stay at home mum, and occasionally I qualify for one that can pay a little money and I can help contribute to society.

I was checking out the various trials that the NIMH puts out, and I noticed there was one being done for children who suffer from depression but have not been diagnosed as bipolar disorder yet...which is my daughter in a nutshell. I started reading about it, and I read that the person putting on on the study was David Miklowitz, He happens to be a favorite author of mine, he's written some amazing work for bipolar patients, including  "The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide". That is a book that changed my life. It is such a great read, and it has so much good information for a newly diagnosed beeper, or a long time beeper like myself. I learned so much while reading it, and was really able to implement a lot of it into my life.

Anywho, unfortunately since we live in Utah and the study was being done in California, we weren't eligible for it, but he was kind enough to offer me his new book he's written about dealing with bipolar children. I seriously felt honored to get the chance to talk to him and tell him how much his book had changed my life for the better.

So although yesterday wasn't a great day for finding a new research study to participate in, I did get the chance to talk to someone who has inspired my life, and that's always cooler than finding any old research study, any day.

Why can't I stay on my meds?

This is a serious question, and a serious problem. There are a lot of people out there with bipolar disorder that are non compliant with their medications, or abusing their medications.

I fall into the former category, unfortunately, I'm terrible about staying on my meds. I usually go about 6-9 months, and start feeling pretty good...and then I start missing a day here or there. And then a week here or there. The next thing you know, I've been off my meds for 3 months and I'm headed into a spiral that only leads me to the hospital.

So how do I stop this spiraling pitfall of devastation? I wish I knew. If I knew, I'd probably be a millionaire. What I personally do is have checks and balances. My husband is one check. He asks me almost daily if I'm taking my meds, and I'm honest with him. There's no point to lying to him, it'll just cause more trouble down the road. If I seem to not be doing so well, he'll have me put in a call to my doctor, who is really great about calling back. My mum asks me a lot if I'm staying on my meds as well.

I mean, I know it all is ultimately my responsibility to take my meds, but having a good support system makes it much more likely that I'll stay in full compliance. I've been taking my meds regularly since March, and I don't foresee me quitting them anytime in the near future, so maybe with all this help, I'll finally break that brutal habit.
Fingers crossed eh?

Motivational Monday

I think I can, I think I can, I KNOW I can, KNOW I CAN...!

Words have a powerful effect on people.

I read a great article today on facebook. It talks about what a SAHM needs from her husband, and how they can better support each other and create a more loving, thriving marriage. I want to share this letter with you, in the hopes that it can help spark a talk, or a notion that can help you in your relationship.

I read through this letter, and thought, 'damn!', I really need to take this to heart. I rarely take GNO because I don't think I need them...but I feel so much better when I do go out with the girls. And I don't give my husband enough credit for having worked a long hard day at work, I expect him to come in right away and be family man. I think it would help our relationship out dramatically if he decompressed for half an hour or so before coming home on especially rough or tiring days. I also wish I could be responsible enough to cook a dinner and have it ready every night, but it just seems like that will never happen *sigh* And it's too much of a hassle for Josh to work a 9 hour day, commute home, and then cook for the family...so my family is suffering a bit on the nutritional side of things until I get the cooking thing down more. I also wish I was more appreciated for the things I DO actually do. The way this woman describes a trip to the pool with 4 kids is spot on, and my hubby seems to think it was just a walk in the park. I sometimes wonder if he thinks that they don't actually run wild and screaming all over the place and that they really just sit quietly on their chairs and read the Bible while each other child gets a turn in the water.

And about the secretly loving the attention your spouse hands out...it's true...after having 4 children ripped out of my body, it's nice to know someone still finds me attractive. I won't say anything about the non-sexual touch, because I'm the one who wants it more often in my relationship, lol, so no need to touch on that...and then the talk about trips versus vacations..of so true!

We go on family vacations and come home more tired than when we left! I'm dying for the kids to get a little older, and we can leave them with a sitter and feel less guilty about it,. Then we'll  get a 'real' vacation, one with a hotel, and no kids, and us getting to do exactly what we'd like for a day or two. I'm grateful for my children and all, but eventually one day they'll leave and go on their own way...I'm still going to have my husband, so I need to nurture that relationship just as much as I nurture the relationships I have with my children.

And some of these things I definitely need to vamp up in my own life. I need to stop comparing. I need to look forward to dates with my husband more often. I need to not dump all my day's problems on him the minute he walks in the door. But I also need more praise. I like it to be noticed when he mentions something and I take note and it's done without him asking. Like I'm willing to bet you money he won't notice the sheets on our bed have been washed and put back on for him, just because he was complaining about how dirty the bed was this morning. I do it because I love him, but I'm a lot more motivated when I get praised and noticed for the hard work I do put in, even though I have my personal struggles, I do try and put in effort and I like to be noticed for it. I probably need to work harder on praising Josh as well, so one more thing for me to improve on as well.

And the very last part...about there being no one other person I'd rather be going through these struggles with...so true.

It's been 7 years, and it's still just as true today as it was those 7 years ago.

I often hear young moms complaining about their needs not being met.  About things they wish they had, wish they received, wished their husbands did…  And I realized…  not all husbands “get it.”  Some take longer to learn their wives than others.  And some wives don’t help the situation at all.  We play games.  We expect much but express little.  Today, I felt compelled to write a letter.  On behalf of stay at home moms.  If you've never said it.  Or he's never "gotten it."  I hope this helps.

To: My Husband.

From: Your Stay at Home Wife/Mom.

I used to think it would be so romantic if you just knew me so well, that you knew exactly what I needed.  I would never have to verbally share with you my needs because if you really loved me, you would know what they were, even before I did.  You, my love, were to be nothing less than a mind reader. It sounded fabulous and romantic.   However, we’ve been married awhile now. And reality has set in.  You are an amazing man.  An incredible husband.  But I must tell you: You are horrible at mind reading.  And it’s not your fault.  I now get it.  It’s physically impossible. There’s nothing you can do to acquire this superpower that I wish you possessed.   So today, I am declaring that I am letting you off the hook.  No more guessing.  No more expectations unmet.  Today, I lay it out.  I’m giving you a peek into me.  But once you know, you are responsible for that knowledge.  No more playing dumb.  No more acting clueless.  You can choose to stop reading here if you enjoy the guessing game.  Ah, you’re still reading?  Awesome.  I love that about you.  You’re IN.  I knew it.

OK wait.  Before I express my needs, let me explain something that might be difficult to understand:

I love our kids.  I love my role as a mom.  But honestly?  It’s tough.  And here’s the tricky part – those 2 things DO co-exist.  One doesn’t trump the other or cancel it out. I love it - And I’m tired. It’s an honor – But it’s exhaustingly hard work.  I’m fulfilled - And I’m drained.  Get it?  Me either.  It’s tricky and complex.  But it’s called Motherhood and I’m in the thick of it.  OK, so in light of that, here’s what I need.  Or want.  TomAto….TomAHto. Here’s the reality in no particular order….

1) I need to refuel.  And it’s not by grocery shopping with only 1 kid instead of all 3.  I need to get out of the house.  Alone.  I need to ride in my car and listen to adult music.  I want to use the public restroom in the small stall. The one without the changing station.  Alone.  I don’t need extravagance.  [I mean, I won’t turn down extravagance, of course.  But I don’t need it.] ;) You know what I’d love?  To wander the isles of Target for an hour.  Or to sit at Starbucks alone for 30 minutes.  Or to walk in a shopping mall without pushing a stroller.  It really is that easy.  Will I come back completely changed and ready to conquer the world? Honestly?  Sometimes yes.  But mostly, no.  But what I WILL come back with, is a little more life in me.  I will have a spring in my step.  It’s a little shot in the arm.  I reeeeallly need this.  When you ask if I want it, and I say, “I’m OK.”  I need you to tell me to go anyway.

2) Please don’t call and ask what’s for dinner.  If anything, call and ask, “Do we have dinner plans?  If not, can I stop by the store and pick anything up?”  I love you.  And I love providing nourishment for our family.  But when I have spit up running down into my bra and a toddler who just learned to take off his own dirty diaper, The Call adds that little extra pressure in my day that just makes me want to accidentally change the locks on the front door.

3) When I take the kids to the pool, please know that I didn’t spend the day poolside with a cocktail.  Sometimes I feel like that’s how you view the life of a stay at home mom.  In reality, every 2 minutes, I’m doing roll call to make sure everyone is above water.  “1..2..3..…1…2…3…” over and over and over and over.  I’m changing poopy swim diapers on hot concrete and peeling wet swimsuits off tiny bodies because they have to go potty AGAIN.  I’m schlepping towels and sunblock and swimming goggles and dive toys and flippers and water shoes and cover ups and diapers and wipes and snacks and drinks.  I have one child who has no fear of water and is jumping into areas he’s not allowed to, and another child who’s deathly afraid of the water and is leaving claw marks in my arm.  Blood has been drawn.  A walk in the park is not a walk in the park.  It’s chasing, and counting, and disciplining and refereeing.. A day at the pool is all of that, in a big hole of water.  Attempting to avoid death.  For real.

4) I’ve been nursing a baby all day long.  My “nursers” are over stimulated.  The last thing I desire when you get home from work, is to have one more person perusing the “food court.”  Those are not yours right now.  They are on loan to the person they were actually created for.   Your time will come.  It’s just not today.  If you will understand this and not let it become a point of tension, I’m certain you’ll get extra rewards in heaven.

5) However, when we’re home and you walk by me in the kitchen and grab my butt, and I swat you away, I don’t mean it.  I secretly love that you still want to be playful and frisky.  The timing may not be right, or I just don’t know what to do with your playfulness because my brain is counting the number of loads of laundry waiting for me.  But please don’t stop.  I need to know you still like me.  I understand this is confusing in light of the point above.  I can’t explain everything.  I’m just informing.  I’m complex like that.

6) I need a Girls Night Out every once in awhile.  While we both know you rock, I  need some time with girlfriends as well.  Unless, of course, you would like to discuss bikini waxing, my period and the latest fashion trends with me.  No?  Cool. Girl’s Night Out it is.

7) I need non-sexual touch.  I know you don’t quite understand what that is.  Just pretend it’s valuable and possible.  The grabbing mentioned above is fun and all, but sometimes I just want to feel your arm on my shoulder, without it slowly moving a few inches south.  I need your physical affection without motive.  I need to know that you like to just be with me.

8) When you walk in the door, let’s make a deal:  You won’t walk straight to the family room and collapse on the couch with the remote… And I won’t greet you at the door with all 5 kids, dump them on you and clock out.  When you come home from work, let’s do it together. Share the load.  If you need to decompress from your day at work, please take the long way home.  Drive around the block a few extra times if you need to.  Just don’t walk in and disconnect.  You are my Knight.  I love knowing you’re coming home.  I can’t feel like I have another child to care for when you walk in the door from work.  I need my partner.  My teammate.

9) That trip we took with the kids was awesome. We created family memories.  We had fun.  But that’s exactly what it was – a “trip.”  I now need a “vacation.”  A vacation is like a trip.  Just without the diapers and wipes and baby food and high chairs and primary color toys.  Oh, and without the tiny humans that come with those things.  Don’t get me wrong, I love those tiny humans. But a break to refuel, refresh, clear my mind, etc..is invaluable.  I have no way to explain what a true vacation will do to me. Other than to say hotel room sex is fabulous.  The end.

10) When you come home to a clean house, be assured it didn’t look like that hours earlier. There were crackers smashed on the floor, toys everywhere, food smeared on walls, 8 outfit changes from our preschool daughter strewn around the house…  If you come home to a clean house, please notice.  Please say something.  Acknowledge that it obviously took superhuman powers to get it to the state it is.  It sounds silly and needy.  Maybe I am.  But you know that “atta boy” you got from your boss at work that made your day?  Ya, I need that too.

11) When we go to a restaurant, sometimes I need you to offer to sit next to ‘the kid.’  You know, the one that needs extra assistance.  The one that cries and grabs and throws and needs.  When I say, “No, it’s OK. I’ll sit next to The Child” I need you to gift me with the break anyway.  I’m not saying every time.  But we both know that going to restaurants with The Child is difficult. I’d so appreciate sharing that load with you.

12) I need to go on a date.  With you.  I need to wear clothes that don’t smell like any type of child’s body fluid.  I need to order food for just me.  I need to eat it while it’s hot.  I need to look into your eyes.  I need to hold your hand.  I need adult conversation.  And while the topic of kids might creep into our conversation, let’s commit to keeping that to a minimum.  We spent so much of our dating years getting to know each other. Asking questions.  I was your student and you were mine.  A lot has happened since then.  You and I have changed and grown. Let’s learn about each other again.  Re-discover who we are today.  Let’s know and be known.   Let’s date.

13) Let’s commit to not comparing.  My friend might be prettier.  Or a better homemaker.  Or parent with ease.  Her husband might be more romantic.  Or more successful.  Or a more engaged father.  There’s always going to be someone who does what we do, but better.  Or so it seems.  Let’s commit to not comparing.  Comparison will steal our joy.  It will take the wind out of our sail.  It will make us feel defeated.  Or frustrated. Or angry.  Or all of the above.  Let’s be honest - everyone else is just as messed up as we are.  We just see the beautiful, shiny outsides of them that they put on display, and tend to compare it to the dysfunctional, broken insides of ourselves that only we know.  Let’s just be the best “us”we can be – keeping our eyes ONLY on OUR path.  I love you.  I chose you and you chose me.  Let’s be in for US and US only.

Thank you for hearing me.

You may not understand it all.  I don’t even know if I do.

This season is glorious and difficult.

And in all the uncertainty, the only thing I do know is there is NO ONE I’d rather do this with, than you.

You are exactly the “who” I need.

The other stuff is just the “what” I’d love from you.  I ask you to just try.

And if you’re willing, I’d love a list like this from you in return.
This is a tough season for us both. I know you have needs you rarely express as well and I’d love a peek into those if you’d be willing to share.

I love you and love that we’re living in what we’ll someday call “the good old days.”

You have my heart forever.

<3

I'm giving credit to Deanna Rischer Ramsay because that is the page this was shared from. I don't know where she got it from, but it is awesome.

Related articles (I only glanced through these articles, so I'm hoping thy're related, or at least somewhat related, lol) And sending a shout out to the awesome blogger mommies who write such fantastic material :)

• On being a stay-at-home-mom.. (brendalyn143.wordpress.com)


• A Letter From Your Wife (From It's Just Emmy) (kindacrunchy.com)


• Marriage: Living Through Each Other (whatothers.wordpress.com)

What do you have control over in your life?

I know I've been a total slacker on my blog the last week, but I have not been even slightly motivated to write...and well, when you're not motivated to write, you don't write.

Life has gotten in the way of my happiness again, ironically enough, so here I am, writing about it. My therapist has urged me to write about what I have control over in my life, and what I do not. You see, we're in a bit of a financial pickle, and it's causing me lots of emotional pain. We bought a new car because our old one died on us, but the down payment they wanted was just slightly out of our price range (not to mention the car payment, we've got to refinance ASAP)...and then my dear husband got less than half a check on his final check, and he only got one check this month, and just money problems have over taken every aspect of my day.

My therapist spent a lot of time talking to me today about what of this situation I can control, and what I can't. I can control how I react to it. I can still get out of bed everyday and take care of my kids and the house. I can still pay my tithing and have faith in our loving Heavenly Father to continue to provide for us, and trust that he knows what's best for our family.  I can look for ways to bring in small amounts of income, or other ways to cut down our debt to help out with expenses.

On the flip side...I could be crying my eyes out...I could be lying in bed ignoring the world, I could be making things more stressful on my husband than things already are. I'll admit I've spent more time in bed the last few days than has probably been good for me, but that's partly due to a medication change that's kicked my butt. I'm feeling better now though, and I'm working hard to catch up on all the laundry and dishes and cleaning that 4 days of doing nothing will all accumulate in a house.

I even went shopping today and bought some house cleaning supplies that we were in dire need of, lol. I'm almost excited to get started on the cleaning party that's going on here tomorrow. We'll have a clean house for maybe 3 days because Heckle and Jeckle will be going to Grandma's.

So all I really have control over right now is my attitude toward the difficulties we're facing at the moment. And my actions toward my husband are something I can control as well. I can be more loving, and supportive of him as we transition into this new phase of our lives.

So what advice do you have for us? How can I support my husband better? How can I keep my attitude more positive, even when I don't want to keep it positive? What has helped you do so in the past? Let me know in the comments below!

The weak customer chooses the understandable rack.

Random eh? I'm trying to get a blogging gig, and they want me to type a random sentence in to prove this is my blog..so I'm proving it, lol. If any of you guys know of any sites that pay bloggers for blogs about mental health, I'd make a post especially for you, interview style, with every good feature you have about you posted on my blog for the world to see :)

It's time to say farewell to all you lovelies...

After much thought and deliberation, I have finally decided to make wordpress my blogging home. It was a very painful decision, but I felt it was ultimately in my interests as a blogger.

I'd love it if you followed me over there, my site is still the beingmebeingbipolar, just add wordpress instead if blogspot.

www.beingmebeingbipolar.wordpress.com

Everyone's comments have helped me so much over the last few months and I have definitely drown imensdely as a writer. For those of you who won't make it over, I wish you the best, and for those of you who will, I look forward to your comments on my new posts there.

Warmest Regards,

Tricia

Don't ever feel alone with bipolar disorder...

Do you ever feel all alone with your bipolar disorder? That there is no one out there who could possibly understand the great heights we reach, just as we must hit the pits of despair as well.

I know everyone suffers bipolar disorder differently, but here are a few of my favorite people who I'm proud to stand and be counted with.

Beethoven anyone? Demi Lovato, (possibly) Brittany Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Carrie Fisher, Sinead O'Connor, Vincent Van Gogh, Emily Dickinson, Virginia Woolf, Linda Hamilton, and Vivien Leigh.

Best known of these is probably Carrie Fisher, she's certainly been one of the most outspoken actresses about her disorder. Here's a little bio on her:

Carrie Fisher, actress, 54, best known for her role as Princess Leia in theStar Wars trilogy, has experienced plenty of turbulence in her life—and not just aboard the Millennium Falcon. After years of struggling with mania and depression, Fisher was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was 28.

Fisher told USA Today in 2002 that she now leads a normal life and her behavior is much more predictable, thanks to the lithium prescribed by her doctor. But it wasn’t always so easy. “I hacked off my hair, got a tattoo, and wanted to convert to Judaism," she said of her most recent manic episode.

Ah, the readers, the writers, the dreamers and me...here a few other bios just in case you needed more enlightenment on why you are amazing for just being you. Starting with a Emily Dickinson and ending with Vivien Leigh, just a few amazing people with bipolar disorder. I'll try to do another one of there as interest shows what's read and what's not :)

Emily Dickinson

This introverted poet’s work is often dark and gloomy. While it is impossible to know for sure if her mental illness would have been classified as bipolar disorder today, a 2001 study in theAmerican Journal of Psychiatry that examined cycles in Dickinson’s productivity suggests that may be the case.
Dickinson’s doctor diagnosed her with “nervous prostration,” which, according to the study’s author, psychiatrist John F. McDermott, MD, was “characterized by anxiety and depression.” In Dickinson’s time, physicians had not yet identified bipolar disorder as such, but, Dr. McDermott notes, Dickinson’s writing patterns are “not inconsistent” with the symptom profile of the disorder.

Linda Hamilton

Actress Linda Hamilton is best known for her role as Sarah Connor in Terminatorand Terminator 2: Judgment Day. She also starred in the TV series Beauty and the Beast. Despite her professional success, though, she was self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and her mood swings damaged two marriages. Hamilton struggled with symptoms of bipolar disorder for 20 years, a time she calls the lost years, before overcoming it. Though she initially worried that treatment would diminish her talents, she is now on medication and speaks openly about being bipolar. "Somebody needs to come out and make this okay for people to talk about and get help and take advantage of the resources," she told the Associated Press.

Virginia Woolf

The dark diaries and letters of Woolf, who suffered four major breakdowns before drowning herself at age 59, have convinced numerous scholars that the writer must have had manic-depressive illness. According to a 2004 article by psychologist Katherine Dalsimer, the “mood swings from severe depression to manic excitement and episodes of psychosis” that Woolf experienced would be diagnosed as bipolar today.

Vivien Leigh

Best known for her iconic Oscar-winning role as Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind, Vivien Leigh also captured the public's attention with her marriage to fellow actor Laurence Olivier. However, Leigh was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and her unpredictable behavior eventually ruined her professional reputation and destroyed her marriage to Olivier. "In her day there were no pills, there were no clinics, there were no publicists, there was nobody between Vivien and an outside world which she found chilly, hostile, and sometimes, because of her mental state, could not cope with," said her friend Sheridan Morley in a BBC documentary.

Feel better? Invincible? Unbreakable? Well you should be feeling that way. Look at what just a few of have done. This handful of names has changed histories! No other group of people with the common theme between them being their diagnosis has this. We are amazing. You. Are. Amazing.Now go out there and change the world. I know I'm trying to.

Music, how I love thee

So tonight's blog is a little different than what I normally post, it has absolutely nothing to do with being bipolar, unless you count loving music as a sign of bipolar disorder :) 

Ever since it first aired, I've loved the music video 'Tonight, Tonight' by the Smashing Pumpkins, and today, I stumbled across another gem of a music video, 'Little Talks' by Of Monsters and Men. The similarities between the two were crazy! I even had my daughter watch and she said she could see that they were similar, so I know I wasn't imagining it. 

I love the make up in both of them, and the..well actually pretty much everything I love. If you want to see some awesome music videos and appreciate some good music, feel free to click the videos below :) 

Watch and tell me what similarities you notice!

Day 27: How am I feeling?

I've seriously been neglecting my blog. 31 blogs in 31 days was a pretty epic fail. Maybe it's because I'm scared of success or of achieving anything, so I doom myself to failure, all the time. But that's another story, another time.

How am I feeling? Why is that such a hard question to answer? Can't normal people do a quick assessment and just know? Why don't I know? Why do I dig and dig and dig, but still aren't sure about my emotions? Why are they so stifled? I know I've written about this before, but it bears a repeat because it's actually really important to me. I want to feel.

I can feel negative emotions and recognize them fairly easily, but positive emotions are a lot harder to get to. I can't associate anything with them. I was talking to Josh today about how I had a lot less issues when we first got together, and he told me that wasn't true, I just wasn't as aware of them. I've never thought of it that way before. I know I'm a lot more reserved now, to the point of standoffishness, but I thought I was happy back then. Josh says it was a false happiness, more of a deluded happiness. It makes sense, in a way. And maybe what I'm going through now is normal. I mean, I was on a manic high for years, maybe I'm just going to be in a more depressed state for years too.

It's all so foggy though. Why is my life so hard to remember? Why are the memories so elusive, so dim? My short-term memory is pretty good, but long term...that's shot.

This is quickly turning into quite the confusing post, and just when I thought I had this writing thing down. Well, I can't help I'm in all sorts of a mixed emotional state tonight, lol. I'm pondering a lot of deep things, and they just trigger more questions than answers. Which I then type out as they come to mind. I'm slow going on the keyboard tonight, usually the words just flow naturally through my fingers, and I can type a post pretty quickly, but tonight I'm struggling for each sentence.

It could be exhaustion. I am pretty tired. We visited my sister-in-law last night, and didn't get home until around 2 AM. And then I couldn't get to sleep until around 4. I'm definitely going to bed much earlier tonight. Then maybe I'll be able to write more coherently tomorrow. Maybe sleeping will be easier now that I've vented about not feeling things normally again. It's been rough the last few nights, even with the Seroquel. Which I certainly didn't take last nite, I'd never have gotten up this morning otherwise.

So right now, I'm feeling tired. And spent. But not irritated. And not depressed. I had a pretty good day for the most part, I did some shopping, watched Dark Knight Rises, took the oldest to the park, and saw Iron Man 3, again. Robert Downey Jr. always cheers me up. Has anyone else ever wondered if he was possibly bipolar? Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but I'd love it if he were. At least, if he'd come out in the open with it and embrace it as part of himself. Or maybe it's just the characters he likes to play, who knows? I watch him act, and watch the characters he plays, and I always wonder. I mean, watch him in Sherlock Holmes, or in Iron Man, doesn't he seem to be running totally manic? I love his portrayal of the craziness we feel inside. At least he's not making people with mental illness look like gun slinging psychopaths. You know, like the news seems to want to portray us.  But I'm definitely digressing here.

I'm going back to how I'm feeling. I'm feeling good I think. I'll take that for the time being and just accept and embrace the positive emotion.

Day 24: Why me?

Do you even wonder that? Do you ever wonder "why me?". Why am I the one who has to go through this?

Have you ever wondered if there was a rhyme to to the reason, or a method to madness? I've never really felt that way about being bipolar. I've never been angry or bitter towards anyone about being bipolar. I've been angry and felt bitter about having it, but never towards anyone.

Can someone explain where the bitterness and negative feelings come from? Or the pity party when it comes to things like this?

I mean, I did use to live a very negative life and always wonder why I was being punished whenever something bad happened, but I've since come to realize that we humans are on this planet to learn through trials and tribulations, so occasionally (or more often) we are going to suffer.

Have you had an attitude adjustment about something in your life? Do you have something in your life that makes you truly wonder "Why me?'. Do you think it's an accurate question to ask, or that it's a valid concern to have? What is it that you wonder about? How do you counteract these feelings, if you do? Let me know in the comments!

Day 23: Seroquel, really?

I'm putting it out there. I hate Seroquel. I know it is an amazing drug and it does wonders for people, but I still hate it. Never mind the fact that it probably helped keep me out of the hospital back when I was pregnant with my last born, or that it's helped stabilize me where other drugs have failed. I still despise and detest it. Why such strong feelings you ask? Because it turns me into a zombie. And it makes me fat. I gain so much weight when I'm on it, it's as bad as Zyprexa.

So why am I bringing all this up now? It's probably because my doctor has put me BACK on Seroquel. I've really been struggling lately, (I'm sure you've noticed my lack of a blog a day like I was so vamped to do), and he feels that it's the best (read: last resort) option available.

I tried going back on it a few weeks ago, and gained 9 pounds in one week. Nine pounds! I quit it, and I've lost 6 of those pounds, but still. I've officially gotten super overweight again. It breaks my heart.

But I'm desperate. I've felt so down and bleak these last few weeks. And for no reason what so ever. Everything has gotten to me. Everything has set me on edge, everything pushes my buttons. I hate living that way, and I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like nothing matters, like I can't function, like I'm a failure, and like I'm not worth the effort.

So, I did the cost-benefit analysis of staying off the Seroquel versus going back on it. I weighed the pros of Seroquel; like feeling better in general, not feeling so down, (eventually) having more energy, and overall feeling more up. The cons include the weight gain, which leads to decreased self esteem, and the zombie like fatigue, which makes daily functioning impossible until it wears off, and the irritation I feel at being on a drug I simply do not like. After having weighed all these factors, I knew I needed to go back on the drug. It depresses me, but I've got to do what's best for me, even when what's best for me doesn't feel like the best thing.

What about you? Have you done something that you absolutely despise because you knew it would ultimately be good for you? How often do you do cost-benefit analysis on things in your life? Do you find these introspective moments helpful? Let me know in the comments what's worked for you, or what hasn't!

Day 21: Whenever you're feeling all alone, think of me...

Do you ever feel all alone with your bipolar disorder? That there is no one out there who could possibly understand the great heights we reach, just as we must hit the pits of despair as well.

I know everyone euffers bipolar disorder differently, but here are a few of my favorite people who I'm proud to stand and be counted with.
 Beethoven anyone? Demi Lovato, (possibly) Brittany Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Carrie Fisher, Sinead O'Connor, Vincent Van Gogh, Emily Dickinson, Virginia Woolf, Linda Hamilton, and Vivien Leigh. 

Best known of these is probably Carrie Fisher, she's certainly been one of the most outspoken actresses about her disorder. Here's a little bio on her:

Carrie Fisher, actress, 54, best known for her role as Princess Leia in theStar Wars trilogy, has experienced plenty of turbulence in her life—and not just aboard the Millennium Falcon. After years of struggling with mania and depression, Fisher was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was 28. 

Fisher told USA Today in 2002 that she now leads a normal life and her behavior is much more predictable, thanks to the lithium prescribed by her doctor. But it wasn’t always so easy. “I hacked off my hair, got a tattoo, and wanted to convert to Judaism," she said of her most recent manic episode.

Ah, the readers, the writers, the dreamers and me...here a few other bios just in case you needed more enlightenment on why you are amazing for just being you. Starting with a Emily Dickinson and ending with Vivien Leigh, just a few amazing people with bipolar disorder. I'll try to do another one of there as interest shows what's read and what's not :)

Emily Dickinson

This introverted poet’s work is often dark and gloomy. While it is impossible to know for sure if her mental illness would have been classified as bipolar disorder today, a 2001 study in theAmerican Journal of Psychiatry that examined cycles in Dickinson’s productivity suggests that may be the case.
Dickinson’s doctor diagnosed her with “nervous prostration,” which, according to the study’s author, psychiatrist John F. McDermott, MD, was “characterized by anxiety and depression.” In Dickinson’s time, physicians had not yet identified bipolar disorder as such, but, Dr. McDermott notes, Dickinson’s writing patterns are “not inconsistent” with the symptom profile of the disorder.

Linda Hamilton

Actress Linda Hamilton is best known for her role as Sarah Connor in Terminatorand Terminator 2: Judgment Day. She also starred in the TV series Beauty and the Beast. Despite her professional success, though, she was self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and her mood swings damaged two marriages. Hamilton struggled with symptoms of bipolar disorder for 20 years, a time she calls the lost years, before overcoming it. Though she initially worried that treatment would diminish her talents, she is now on medication and speaks openly about being bipolar. "Somebody needs to come out and make this okay for people to talk about and get help and take advantage of the resources," she told the Associated Press.

Virginia Woolf

The dark diaries and letters of Woolf, who suffered four major breakdowns before drowning herself at age 59, have convinced numerous scholars that the writer must have had manic-depressive illness. According to a 2004 article by psychologist Katherine Dalsimer, the “mood swings from severe depression to manic excitement and episodes of psychosis” that Woolf experienced would be diagnosed as bipolar today.

Vivien Leigh

Best known for her iconic Oscar-winning role as Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind, Vivien Leigh also captured the public's attention with her marriage to fellow actor Laurence Olivier. However, Leigh was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and her unpredictable behavioreventually ruined her professional reputation and destroyed her marriage to Olivier. "In her day there were no pills, there were no clinics, there were no publicists, there was nobody between Vivien and an outside world which she found chilly, hostile, and sometimes, because of her mental state, could not cope with," said her friend Sheridan Morley in a BBC documentary.

Feel better? Invincible? Unbreakable? Well you should be feeling that way. Look at what just a few of have done. This handful of names has changed histories! No other group of people with the common theme between them being their diagnosis has this. We are amazing. You. Are. Amazing.

Now go out there and change the world. I know I'm trying to.

Day 18: Thankful Thursday! (again, it happens every week :D)

We all know it's my favorite day...thankful Thursday!

So what am I thankful for today? Today I'm thankful for NAMI. What is NAMI you ask? That's a great question.

NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and the offer so many wonderful things. They offer support groups not only for individuals with mental disorders, but also for family members of those with mental illness. They also offer classes for both the mentally ill, and family members. In fact, I'm a certified BRIDGES instructor, meaning I can teach a class about mental illness to other people with mental illnesses. I teach about conflict resolution, medications, the types of mental disorders, being active in your treatment plan, how to explain things to your family, all sorts of fun stuff. There is another class for families, called Family to Family, that teaches family members about mental illnesses, what to look for, and how to support their loved ones with the disorder. There's even a class called Basics, which is for parents of teens and children who have a mental disorder. The support groups they have are wonderful, here in Utah, we have support groups that meet twice a month, as well as board meetings, and presenters once a month.

I love being involved with NAMI. The support I have received, and the friends I have made habe been such a blessing in my life. If you'd like to find your local NAMI chapter, here is the link for that. The actual NAMI website is here.

Please check them out, support their cause, and don't hesitate to ask questions.

Have you heard of NAMI? Did you know about all the amazing things they offer? Is there anything I didn't mention that I should have? Tell me in the comments below!

Day 15: Let it go already!

I'm finally dealing with it. My second to last schema. It;s been haunting me, and I've been avoiding it, but tonight I'm going to talk about the Unrelenting Standard/ Hypercriticalness schema. Remember, Unrelenting Standards or Hypercriticalness refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self esteem. Usually these people's parent were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.

Oh boy does this schema hit a chord with me. Maybe that's why I've struggled so hard to finally write about it and work through the issues surrounding it. I have exceptionally high standards for myself, and hold others to the same, which if they were actually able to meet, then it would mean the second Coming had occurred and we were all finally perfect. I'm so bad that I give myself a nervous breakdown over the state of the house. The laundry overwhelms me to the point of tears. The dishes overwhelm me into hysterics. My living room overwhelms me to where I'm hiding in my room under the covers crying. I can't start small, and so it is insurmountable. That's my black and white thinking problem., I can't even start to find a solution to a problem if I can't see an end to it at the end of the tunnel. It's taken months of therapy for me to slowly come to terms with the fact that this is not a black or white area of life. There is grey here. My house doesn't need to be absolutely spotless, but the cockroaches don't need to feel at home either..

And of course I'm my own worst critic. I've complained that I don't know enough people. I think if I could get a feel for what other people's houses looked like, I might be more okay with mine because I could gauge how close to the middle ground mine was. But since I have only Martha Stewart magazines and TV houses to go off of, I constantly think my house is falling entirely too short in how it should look. 

I could laugh this off as a horrid quirk of mine, but it extends to other aspects of my life as well that have more far reaching consequences. I have such high expectations for my children, and I don't know if they're reasonable (read: healthy) or not. My therapist has really worked with me on trying to see my children as they are, and not as mini adults, but it's taken a lot of time to even try to see some slight improvement in this area. Let's take my son for example. He's 3. And he makes Max from Where the Wild Things Are  look positively tame. I've been at my wits end more than a time or two because he just doesn't listen; He's run out in to a parking lot and roads more than once. He's gotten lost at the store more frequently than I'd like to admit. He's been disciplined so many times I'm ashamed to give a number there. I was convinced he's ADHD because of how wild he is, but I finally broke down and took a Positive Discipline class, which focuses on the Love and Logic curriculum, which other things added in. Between that class and therapy, our relationship has really started to improve.  Another thing I do to try and help my relationship with my son is to watch other mums who have sons that are my little boy's age. I watch what these boys do, how the parents react, and what they let go and what they don't. 

So that's just one example of where being hypercriticical is probably providing years of income for a therapist some years down the road from now. And then there's my oldest. She is the most amazing, sweetest, kindest, lovable, responsible, snarkiest, brattiest, empathetic, wondrous 12 year old you will ever meet. I read Laura Ingalls Wilder as a child, and again as a young adult and was very impressed by all that the Ingalls children did and were responsible for. I made the decision that my children were going to have real responsibilities and chores like that because I wanted them to grow up with a sense of pride, accomplishment, and lack of entitlement in their world. So my 12 year old is responsible for tending her younger siblings when need be, and has been responsible for them since she was 10, she is responsible for her own laundry, and she has the garbage and dishes are her two chores she does regularly, with mowing the lawn and other chores added in as needed. I hope I'm doing well by her and not creating a terrible monster who will need years of therapy by the time she's an adult.

So those are a few examples of how the unrelenting standards schema affects me. If you relate to it, what does it do to you? Do you see any of yourself in this schema? As usual, let me know in the comments! 

Day 14: What Are the Signs of Emotional Abuse?

This is a topic near and dear to my heart, and today I was struggling for a quick and easy blog topic, and Psych Central had an article about emotional abuse that was perfect. Yay!

Did you know emotional abuse is much more elusive than physical abuse and sexual abuse? That the people suffering from it may not even know that's what it is, and more surprisingly, the abusers may not even realize what they're doing is considered abuse! Although some people may not realize this, (I happen to know first hand), emotional abuse can be more detrimental to a person than even physical abuse because it alters how we feel about ourselves. It truly cripples us because we allow something untrue to define who we are and thus act according to that false assumption. 

How can you tell if you are a victim or perpetrator of emotional abuse? Here are several good questions you can ask yourself to see where you fall.

In the area of humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing do you:

 Do you get put down in front of others or made fun of?

Is sarcasm a way to put you down or degrade you?

When you try to stand up for yourself, do they say 'Oh I was just joking around.' or that 'you're just too sensitive'?

Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”

Are you regularly made to feel devalued by people ridiculing you, disregarding your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, or even your feelings?

Or how about in the area of domination, control, and shame, do you find that:

• Do you feel treated like a child?
• Are you constantly corrected or chastised because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
• Must you “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
• Who controls your spending; you or them?
• Are you treated as though you are inferior to them?
• Do they make you feel as though you're never right?
• Are you constantly reminded your shortcomings?
• What about minimizing your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
• Do you receive disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior from them?

What about accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings, are you the subject of any of these, or guilty of any?

• Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
• Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
• Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
• Do they have trouble apologizing?
• Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
• Do they call you names or label you?
• Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
• Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?

Or how about emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect?

• Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
• Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
• Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
• Do they not notice or care how you feel?
• Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?

And finally, what about codependence and enmeshment?

• Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
• Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
• Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
• Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

If you read this and answered yes to more than a few questions, you may have some very toxic people in your life. These people won't help elevate you to where you deserve to be in life, and you need to start taking steps to remove them from your life. If you asked these questions to yourself and found that you felt you were treating someone else this way, it's time to stop. Apologize to them ASAP, and start making the necessary changes to become a better person who people would want to have as a friend.

This struck a chord with me because I answered yes to more than a few of these questions when I thought about certain people in my life. I'm now at a cross point in my life where I have to decide whether I want to approach this subject with those people in my life, or just start letting them phase out of my life. I'm proud of myself for being able to take an honest look at my life and see where the toxicity is coming from, but seeing it is one thing, actually doing  something is totally different. Let's see how well my venture into improving this aspect of my life goes.

How about you? What happened when you read over these questions? Was there anyone in your life that you specifically thought of as you read through these? Did you feel that maybe you were guilty of some of these traits? As always, let me know in the comments below!

Day 13: So how do these schema things operate?

We've discussed all 18 schemas, well, all except two, which I promise I will eventually write about, but today I want to talk about the most important thing of all...once you know what your schemas are...how do you go about changing them?

First off, you need to know that there are two primary schema operations: schema healing, and schema perpetuation. I bet you can guess which one is the more valuable one, right? All thoughts, behaviors, and feelings may be seen as being part of one of these operations.

Schema perpetuation is the routine processes in which schemas function and perpetuate themselves. This is accomplished by cognitive distortions, self defeating patterns, and schema coping styles. Cognitive distortions are a central part of cognitive therapy and consist of negative interpretations and predictions of life events. The schema will highlight or exaggerate information that confirms the validity of that schema and will minimize of even deny information that contradicts it. Unhealthy behavior patterns will perpetuate the schemas existence. Just as an example, a person with the Mistrust/Abuse schema may seek out abusive relationships in adulthood and remain in them, providing constant evidence that this schema is true. I can attest to this, I seemed to subconsciously pick out douche-bag after douche-bag to date during my twenties. Even Josh wasn't the sweetheart he is now when we first met. I just thought I deserved to be treated with disrespect and no appreciation because I was a worthless person. Now that I've grown and worked through my insecurities, I can see that I deserve so much better, and I have higher standards for my relationships nowadays. This goes for all my relationships with people, seeing as I'm involved in only one romantic relationship, lol.

So, in order to fully understand how schemas work, we need to recognize that there are three schema coping styles that are out there. These styles are schema surrender, schema avoidance, and schema overcompensation. It is through these three styles that schemas exert their influence on our behavior and work to ensure their own survival. We'll go into deeper detail about these types of coping skills in future blog posts.

So now. Schema therapy. When treating people with schema therapy, one of the most important innovations is the concept of mode. I'll define a mode as the set of schemas or schema operations that are currently active for an individual Or you could think of it as simply a mindset or state that you might be temporarily in. I'm sure you can relate to the idea that we all have different parts of ourselves that we go in and out of all the time. Just as an example, if someone tells she is having a bad day because her toddler is in his raging bull mode, you'd probably know exactly what she meant.

The exact pattern of work with modes will vary from session to session in therapy. Nut some of the more common activities in mode work can be described. The history of the mode is often discussed; the person will speak about when the mode started and what was going on at the time. Connections are made between modes and current problems. Dialogues can be conducted between different modes when there is a conflict. Just as an example, a miser mode and a playboy mode might have it out over what type of car to buy. There is always an effort to link the mode work with other aspects of the therapy.

So what do you think of all this? Does it sound like it's just mumbo-jumbo new age hippy therapy, or does it have the ring of truth in it? Are you more or less interested in discovering what your modes are, and how you can work through them in therapy? Do you have family members or friends who you recognize some of these schemas in, and does it make you more or less empathetic towards them? Feel free to let me know below in the comments! Also, please, give me your opinion on this topic of how schemas work and how modes tie into schema therapy.

DAY 10: A song that touches my soul

I'm still avoiding writing about my last two schemas. I wonder if there's a subconscious reason for that or not. Hmm. Maybe I'll delve deeper into that in a later post. Music has been on my mind a lot today, so I'm going with this post instead of my usual schema post. I hope you get some illumination out of this :)

I'm in a lot of bipolar support groups, and one of the common themes surrounding nearly everyone is the love of music. Music seems to bring a voice to our innermost feelings in the way mere words never could. I know there are songs that I cling to when I'm in the pits of despair, and there are songs that describe my mania with perfect ease, which I couldn't do even if you gave me a thousand sheets of paper to write on. I want to share a favorite song with you today and would love to hear back from you what yours is as well. What do you listen to when you're down? When you're up?

This song by Johnny Cash speaks volumes to me. I know he is talking about how drug addiction has ruined his life, but it ties in so well to how I've ruined my life thanks to mental illness. The lyrics are powerful and hit me hard every time I hear this song....I'm going to break this song down line by line and see if I can show you the raw emotion that I feel from this song. I hope my ramblings on this matter don't bore you too much.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

I've done this before, too many times to count. I used to be a cutter because I'd feel so numb. I'd cut just to feel alive again. Now I turn to other methods to not feel because I'm scared of my emotions and I just want to shut down. I've never done hard drugs but I relate oh too well to wanting to kill the pain away but still remembering everything anyway.

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

The chorus is especially haunting for me because I don't know what I've become or how I got here, and I've lost so many people along the way. I think of those closest to me, and they could have everything I have, which is still nothing. I'm so scared of finding new friends and meeting new people because everyone I've known I've let down and I've hurt so many people. I've burned so many bridges I'm surprised I don't live on an island with no way off.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

I suffer in silence these pains that I bear. I'm a manipulative liar without even meaning to be, everything I do or say is twisted around by others, or misinterpreted in ways I never expected, and it hurts to be viewed as such.  And it seems there's nothing I can do about it. If I try to defend myself, it gets thrown in my face that I'm bipolar, therefore, I'm not to be trusted...A popular saying amongst us beepers is that 'I'm full of broken thoughts that I can not repair", I'm prone to saying it myself because I feel so broken and lost so frequently. These thoughts I have, they can't be repaired, I can't fix anything there. I'm still here, lost, broken, alone, and you are not the person I thought you were.

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I tear up here because if only I could do things differently, if I could just change the past, I would not have done the things I did, I would find a way to make things right. I would find a way, just like the lyrics say, I wouldn't make you hurt, I wouldn't make me hurt, I wouldn't let you down, I wouldn't lost that job, or say those things, or take those pills. I'd make it right, I'd make it right. My family wouldn't suffer, or have ever suffered because of me, I'd still have the friends I had, I wouldn't be so damn afraid of myself all the time. I would find a way.

Maybe this was a pointless post, how can I expect to touch someone with an emotion that I feel? How can I make you see that this is me, trapped in music's form? It's impossible. I almost want to delete this post and not share it because I don't think anyone will understand, but that's not my way. I want my innermost thoughts laid bare one day when I write my book, I should not be ashamed to share my innermost thoughts here either. So read away, and laugh if you want, or not. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Do you have music that moves you, that describes parts of you perfectly? I want to know what they are!

Day 9: Change can suck sometimes.

This writing thing is hard. I don't think I realized how hard it was coming up with something new every day until I started trying it. I'm glad I've got my schemas going on and can discuss those, but it's hard to keep writing when I really don't want to. Just a quick note here, I thought I could write about my 5th schema tonight, but it's just not happening. When I started I was in a great mood, and was motivated, and had energy, and life was amazing. And then I cycled.

I feel like crap, and I just want to curl up into a ball and not deal with anything. I've fallen into this deep pit of despair and see no way out, so I'm just struggling to stay afloat. This is the hell people with bipolar live with. I go to bed and have no clue what emotion I'll be dealing with when I wake up the next morning. I've been crushingly depressed the last 2 days, and for absolutely no good reason. I was happy as a clam for a good few weeks, there was no reason for things to change, but they did. All I can do is wait as patiently as possible for this dark cloud to lift and the sun to come out again. I get so sick of waiting patiently though. I get so sick of the sun going down so often and for no reason. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I don't see me living a long and fruitful life going up and down like this. I can't hack it. The people around me can't hack it. I mean, don't freak out, I'm not suicidal now, but that option sure looks more and more appealing the deeper I fall into this black hole. And its not even because I see no way out. I know this too shall pass, and I'll feel on top of the world again, but I don't know when. And even though I'll cycle back, I know I'll then start playing the waiting game again for the next time I crash. And I don't want to live like that. It's a bullshit way to live your life. It's a horrible life to let others into because it becomes their hell too.

I mean, in fact, life is going rather well. My husband got offered his new job, and he starts in 2 weeks, we bought a new car yesterday that is ten times nicer than any one we've ever owned before. We're paying an arm and a leg for it, but with Josh's new job, we can afford it. I want to refinance ASAP though, just so we're not continuing to pay an arm and a leg. I try to live as non-extravagantly as possible for some reason. We've been through two unemployment eras since this depression hit, and I like to keep our debt to income ratio as low as possible. You know, just in case. I think this preparing for the 'just in cases' in the worlds are wearing me out. It is physically and mentally exhausting trying to worry about every scenario that could go wrong, and yet I keep doing it. Josh is sitting over here happy as a lark about his new job, and our car, and the change that is happening all around us, and I'm lying in bed crying about nothing.

I think what is really eating at me is the change that's happening all around me. Even though it's good change, beepers don't do so well with change. I mean, our insurance is changing at the end of the month and we'll have copays again, and our prescription costs will be higher, and yeah. We met our out of pocket back in March, so we've been enjoying free healthcare since then. Starting in August we'll be paying for services again. I'm trying to think of what all I need to have done in the next 2 weeks before we roll over into a new insurance plan, lol.

And then there's the housing issue. I found a house. A glorious house. A gloriously perfect house. And it made me realize that we're not going to live here forever, and that's another change I'm not prepared to deal with. We didn't get the gloriously perfect house, someone else jumped on that offer before we could, but that's okay. God works on his own time, and when it's time for our gloriously perfect house to appear, it will. But I'm already overwhelmed and depressed about the thought of packing everything up, and going through the work  of moving into a new place, even though it's at least a year away before it happens. I am not being very mindful right now. Right now, mindfulness sucks, and is hard, and I don't even want to deal with trying to do it.

So that's been life the last few days. My mum is super worried about me, and Josh is super worried about me, and I just don't care. Right now I'm teetering on the edge of destruction, so it's a good thing I see my psych doctor tomorrow so I can talk to him and see what he recommends. We'll see if he thinks I'm dangerous enough to be admitted. I mean, idt I am, just because I'm not actively suicidal, but he's a new doctor, so I don't trust him too much just quite yet. And besides, I made a goal of 31 blogs in 31 days, and well, they don't allow electronics on the psych ward, I wouldn't be able to keep up if I missed a week of blogging. I'm giggling at the thought of trying to get my inpatient therapist to approve letting me have an hour a day to blog for 'therapeutic' reasons. I make myself laugh. I love it. Josh thinks it's cute how much I manage to amuse myself. I'm like a puppy chasing it's tail and being perfectly happy.

Speaking of puppies, I have to share with you the cutest story. My son is 3, and one of his favorite things to do when he's not being Batman is to be our puppy. He'll crawl around and bark, and come over and nuzzle our knee to get petted. If only he'd show some interest in potty training, he'd be the perfect pet. Well, our 18 month old has a speech delay due to mild hearing loss, so she doesn't talk or anything yet. She makes a lot of sounds, which is good, it means her hearing is probably either improving, or just staying mildly impaired. So, I guess needless to say, when she does something with sound or anything interacting with us, we get wildly excited. I tell you about my son's game of playing puppy so you'll understand this story with my daughter. She's been walking since the end of March, and doesn't generally crawl anywhere anymore. But for some reason the other day she started crawling around on the floor going 'ruff, ruff, ruff'! Believe me, it doesn't sound like that, but whenever we say it, she gets down and starts making the same sound. It is so freaking adorable. If I had it captured on video, I'd be linking it for your viewing pleasure.

I'm glad I made the decision to write tonight. I'm actually feeling a whole lot better now than I was when I first started. There's still so much more I could write about, like my disgusting house and how depressed I am about it, and how hard I am on myself for not being able to keep it clean, but that's related to my unrelenting standards schema, so I'll save it for when I finally write about that. I keep making the goal to get one room a day clean, and my poor mum, she was worried enough about me today, she came over and helped me achieve my goal of getting the kitchen done. Me, my oldest, and my mum all worked on it, and it's nice and sparkly now. With any luck, I'll have the urge to finish up my living room tomorrow, and then I'll have two nice and sparkly clean rooms. That will thrill me to no end.

What brings you up when you're down? How do you respond to change? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Day 12: What about those other schemas?

So I think I've given up writing about schemas for the time being. MY schemas anyway. I have two more I haven't talked about, and I don't think I'm ready to approach them just yet. I'll get there, but not tonight.

Tonight I'm going to talk about all the schemas I don't have, just for those of you who may relate to them.

These schemas include:

• Emotional Deprivation
• Abandonment/Instability
• Dependence/Incompetence
• Vulnerability to Harm and Illness
• Enmeshment/Undeveloped-Self
• Failure
• Subjugation
• Emotional Inhibition
• Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking
• Entitlement/Grandiosity
• Negativity/Pessimism
• Punitiveness

So what do all these mean? 

Emotional Deprivation  is the belief that one's primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs can be described in three categories: Nurture-or needs for affection, closeness, and love; Empathy-needs to be listened to and understood; Protection-needs for advice, guidance and direction. Generally parents are cold or removed and don't adequately care for the child in ways that would adequately meet the above needs.

Abandonment/Instability  refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will imminently end. As children, these people may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child's needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions on which the child was left alone of unattended to for extended periods.

Dependence/Incompetence refers to the belief that one is not capable of handling day-to-day responsibilities competently and independently. People with this schema often rely on others excessively for help in areas such as decision making and initiating new tasks. Generally, parents did not encourage these children to act independently and develop confidence in their ability to take care of themselves.

Vulnerability to Harm and Illness is the belief that one is always on the verge of experiencing a major catastrophe (financial, natural, medical,criminal, etc.). It may lead to taking excessive precautions to protect oneself. Usually there was an extremely fearful parent who passed on the idea that the world is a dangerous place.

Enmeshment/Undeveloped-Self is a pattern in which you experience too much emotional involvement with others-usually parents or romantic partners. It may also include the sense that one has too little individual identity or inner direction, causing a feeling of emptiness or of floundering. This schema is often brought on by parents who are so controlling, abusive, or overprotective that the child is discouraged from developing a separate sense of self.

Failure is the belief that one is incapable of performing as well as one's peers in areas such as career, school, or sports. These people may feel stupid, inept, or untalented. People with this schema often do not try to achieve because they believe that they will fail. This schema may develop if children are put down and treated as if they are a failure in school and other spheres of accomplishment. Usually the parents did not give enough support, discipline, and encouragement for the child to persist and succeed in areas of achievement, such as schoolwork or sports.

Subjugation refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these people fear that unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. People who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there generally was a very controlling parent.

Emotional Inhibition is the belief that you must suppress spontaneous emotions and impulses, especially anger, because any expression of feelings would harm others or lead to loss of self-esteem, embarrassment, retaliation or abandonment. You may lack spontaneity, or be viewed as uptight, This schema is often brought on by parents who discouraged the expression of feelings.

Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking is the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the approval and recognition of others at the expense of one's genuine needs and sense of self. It can also include excessive emphasis on status and appearance as a means of gaining recognition and approval. People with this schema are generally extremely sensitive to rejections by others and try hard to fit in. Usually they did not have their needs for unconditional love and acceptance met by their parents during their early years.

Entitlement/Grandiosity is the belief that you should be able to do, say, or have whatever you want immediately regardless of whether that hurts others or seems reasonable to them. You are not interested in what other people need, nor are you aware of the long term cost to you of alienating others. Parents who over-indulge their children and who do not set limits about what is socially appropriate may foster the development of this schema. Alternatively, some children develop this schema to compensate for feelings of emotional deprivation or defectiveness.

Negativity/Pessimism is a pervasive pattern of focusing on the negative aspects of life while minimizing the positive aspects. People with this schema are unable to enjoy things that are going well in their lives because they are so concerned with negative details or potential future problems. They worry about possible failures no matter how well things are going for them. Usually these people had a parent who worried excessively.

Punitiveness is the belief that people deserve to be harshly punished for making mistakes. People with this schema are critical and unforgiving of both themselves and others. They tend to be angry about imperfect behaviors much of the time. In childhood, these people usually had at least one parent who put too much emphasis on performance and had a punitive style of controlling behavior.

What is interesting to me is that as I was typing this out tonight, I realized that I have some of the traits of quite a few of these schemas as well. Emotional Inhibition is a big one I related to because I suppress my emotions so much because I'm afraid of the consequences of showing them. Hell, the last time I got really desperate and felt hopeless, it led to such intense feelings of anger that I ended up with 2 felony charges and 4 misdemeanor charges. They were all dismissed, thank God, but that was only because my attorney managed to get me a plea in abeyance. Can you blame me for being a little scared of letting my feelings out after that?

 Negativity/Pessimism is another one that I strongly related to. I struggle with seeing the bright side of things, even when there is no downside! I mean, take Josh getting this new job for example. There are so many positives that are coming along with this, yet I'm still petrified and worrying about all the completely hypothetical 'what-ifs'. I think this is also closely tied to the Vulnerability to Harm and Illness schema, because I constantly worry that we are on the verge of financial ruin, or that a natural disaster could strike us at any given moment.

The Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self schema was another one that I saw myself in. I've lost so much of who I used to be, it's like I'm an extension of Josh, which I don't want. Yes, I'm his better half, but even better halves need to be able to identify who they truly are. I've started doing that, if you recall one of my previous posts, I discuss who I am, and what I am, deep down inside. 

I also related to some the Dependence/Incompetence traits because when I'm cycling into a downward spiral, I truly can not handle the day-today responsibilities of normal life and do need help with many activities that are typically handled individually. 

And then there's Failure. Oh, Failure. I'm surprised this isn't actually one of my schemas to begin with. I feel so stupid and untalented all the time. I compare myself endlessly to others, even though I shouldn't. I'm petrified of failure, so much so that I avoid even trying. I'm working on overcoming this trait, slowly but surely. And I think I'm making progress too.

I also related to the Abandonment/Instability schema as well as the Emotional Deprivation schema. I am terrified of losing anyone I've formed an emotional attachment to, to the point that if I've befriended you, I will probably soon try and push you away because I know the relationship is going to end anyway, and I don't want to be hurt by you ending it first. This ties in to the Emotional Deprivation because I truly think that no one can ever meet my primary emotional needs. At least, I did feel this way at one point, but thanks to the unwavering support I've received from my husband, this thought process has changed.

I wonder if I were to retake the schema test, if I would have any of these schemas now, especially since I've spent so much time working through the schemas I actually do have, trying to resolve them. So what about you? Which of these schemas do you think fit you to a T? What do you think you could do to start changing these life traps that you're stuck in? Tell me in the comments below, I'd love to hear!